Sherming

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, On relationship and recovery by Patricia Evans

Recommendation

Author Patricia Evans meticulously researched, described and documented verbal abuse in her previous book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. This time, she gives domestic abuse a human face by including the experiences of verbal abuse survivors, recounted in their own words. You witness their struggles, confusion, pain and courage as they endure abuse, rediscover themselves and, ultimately, hopefully, move on. Particularly heart-wrenching are the stories of women whose abuse was denied, not only by their abusers, but also by their family, friends and even their counselors, exacerbating their feelings of isolation, guilt and bewilderment. One survivor says, “When I talked to a therapist about it, she said to go shopping.” Evans covers the same ground as in her previous books, but the addition of excerpts from victims’ letters makes it worth the read. If you feel you might be suffering from verbal abuse, or care about someone who is, getAbstract recommends Evans’ book. For counselors and therapists who work with couples, it’s required reading.

Take-Aways

• The perpetrator of verbal abuse wants to control and manipulate his mate.
• The (almost always male) abuser employs many tactics to exercise power over his spouse, including accusing, blaming, criticizing, denying her and withholding love from her.
• The victim’s efforts to love harder or behave better prove futile in stopping the abuse.
• When a woman becomes aware that she is a victim of verbal abuse, she realizes she is not at fault.
• Friends, relatives, the abuser and even the therapist often blame the victim.
• Verbal abuse degrades the victim, sapping her life energy and destroying her spirit.
• Abuse victims feel trapped in the abusive relationship because they lose the confidence and self-esteem they need to change their situation.
• Many women make plans to escape abuse once they recognize it for what it is.
• Strategies for coping with verbal abuse include keeping a journal, joining a support group and taking care of your own needs.
• To heal from verbal abuse, relearn how to act in your own best interests and give yourself time to go through the process of recovery.

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out Book Summary

Speaking Out

Survivors of verbal abuse come from all walks of life. Some are rich, some poor; some grew up privileged, others destitute; some have been loved, others have been mistreated; they are educated, intelligent, self-made mothers, daughters and wives, and now they are also survivors. As one survivor says: “I just now am becoming able to discuss my abuse, but if there is anything I could do or say to anyone to prevent or to help, I am willing to come forward and speak.”

It’s All about Control

One former victim asks, “How could he be so cold and cruel to me, and so happy-go-lucky around others?” The motivation behind verbal abuse is control. By diminishing his partner, the abuser feels in charge and in power. He – for verbal abusers are usually male – uses many tactics to make his partner feel secondary. He tries to control her time, space and access to money. He withholds love and affection, sulks and acts like the victim, yells and hits things, walks away or refuses to communicate. He tries to tell his mate what she thinks and feels. Then, he blames her for the way he acts, telling her the consequences of his actions are all her fault. The abuser needs to exercise power over his partner so that he doesn’t feel vulnerable or powerless. This power-over makes every interaction in the relationship a contest that he needs to win more than anything else.

“Women have taken the time to write at length about how verbal abuse had circumscribed their lives within the narrow boundaries of self-doubt and paralyzing pain.”

Verbal abuse falls into 15 categories: “withholding; countering; discounting; verbal abuse disguised as a joke; blocking and diverting; accusing and blaming; judging and criticizing; trivializing; undermining; threatening; name calling; forgetting; ordering and demanding; denial and abusive anger.”

Power Over

A verbal abuser needs to exercise power over his mate. In doing so, he is denying her “creative force,” an energy that is life itself, and which renews, flows, and gives birth to artistic expression and a feeling of integration. You experience integration when you live your life in harmony with the world around you. Verbal abuse causes disintegration. When an abuser continually contradicts a woman’s perceptions, feelings, thoughts and instincts, it creates disruption and doubt. In the words of survivors:

• “He kept saying that I have to have everything my way, and after a while he convinced me, but now, in the perspective of time, I think it was not so.”
• “I feel frustrated, helpless, defenseless, angry, frightened, crazy, indecisive, frozen.”
• “My motto was ‘Peace at any Price’.”
• “I had lost much of my identity, but was not aware of it.”
• “He never admitted being wrong; never, ever, apologized.”

“Abusive men stop at nothing to squelch, put down, correct, criticize, belittle, trivialize, ignore, snub, sneer at, and, when all else fails, put on displays of rage in order to dominate and control their mates.”

Many victims of verbal abuse try to change their abusers by giving love. They feel that if only they could get it right, express themselves correctly, or make their partners feel loved and secure, then the abuse would stop. However, the verbal abuser does not want his victim to change. He is not seeking to resolve conflict. He only wants to exert his power through control and manipulation.

Out of Darkness

Survivors explain the road to recovery:

• “It was like being in a dark room and the lights came on – already there are changes being made. He knows I’m different.”
• “My marriage has always been confusing to me. Until recently, I did not realize that I was being verbally abused.”
• “For the first time I believe that it’s not me, that I’m not stupid, dumb and weak.”

“There is clearly an imbalance of power in our culture, and it appears to be reflected in personal relationships.”

These survivors tell you what it is like to become aware that you are suffering verbal abuse. The victim realizes that she is not at fault. Her mate is not seeking mutuality. He is trying to control her by keeping her down. As difficult as this realization is, with it comes relief and understanding. Her newfound awareness releases her feelings of ineptitude, confusion and guilt.

“It’s Your Fault!”

One exceptionally insidious aspect of verbal abuse is that the abuser often blames his victim. This causes her to question herself and search for answers within: What am I doing wrong? How can I change to improve my situation? But the reality is, as one survivor put it, “He abuses because he is an abuser,” not because she is doing something wrong – so all the soul-searching in the world on her behalf won’t put things right.

“The survivors of verbal abuse consistently reported that they came to believe what they were hearing.”

Placing the blame on the victim erodes her self-esteem and makes her doubt her own perceptions. Society in many cultures treats women as inferior, setting them up to take blame. Survivors speak of looking for validation and having their efforts thwarted by the very people they turn to – therapists, clergy, family members and friends. Often others will tell them to “try harder,” or that they “love too much,” are “too sensitive,” “crave high drama and excitement,” “must forgive,” are “a martyr” or that “both partners are responsible” for the abuse. Even therapists sometimes overlook evidence of verbal abuse in couples who seek counseling, missing the fact that a couple cannot attain mutuality in a verbally abusive relationship. Says one survivor, “No one seems to understand or believe that I am suffering abuse. Even professional therapists don’t seem to see verbal abuse as serious, at least not the ones I’ve seen.”

Dying Inside

One woman explained how abuse unfolds: “When your words are not heard, when conversation has become a series of bored one-syllable responses to your questions, when plans are made without regard for your schedule, when your partner talks more, and more lovingly, to your dog, when your accomplishments are received by patronization, when your laughter is met by silence, when you begin to feel like a different person than you were growing up…it is a terribly wrong picture.”

“The abuser is often so used to relating to his mate in an abusive way that it does not even occur to him that he is being abusive.”

These words describe how the abuser “kills the spirit” of his victim. Through repeated behaviors that diminish his partner, he slowly saps her of her life energy. Verbal abuse victims often experience symptoms similar to those of depression, including “feelings of hopelessness, low energy, poor concentration, difficulty sleeping, marked lack of interest in daily activity, low self-esteem, weight loss and even thoughts of suicide.”

Why Stay?

Why do victims of verbal abuse stay in abusive relationships even after they realize what is happening? The reasons are numerous. Some women stay because they lack the financial resources to make it on their own. Others are afraid of what an abuser might do to them if they try to break away. Many victims have lost their confidence or are still hoping their partner will change. The ongoing abuse has isolated them from friends and family. They feel trapped with no way out of the relationship.

“ Remember, there is nothing you can do and no way you can get him to change.”

One survivor explains, “I must leave because all I do is cry. I do not work because he wants me at home. My friends and family are far away. He accuses, blames, judges and criticizes me numerous times a day. He is always ordering me and when I stand up, say ‘Stop it,’ or just leave the room, he tends to be angrier. Why have I stayed in this awful relationship? Obviously my husband is just a mean man.”

“The voices of the survivors seem to echo and merge in one voice seeking truth, understanding, and validation.”

Many women do make plans to leave and escape the abuse, particularly once they recognize it for what it is. They have gone through the stages of abuse, “oppression and control, disintegration, awareness, blaming, killing her spirit, feeling trapped and finally, escape.” Two survivors described their feelings:

• “To leave takes faith in yourself and the ability not to listen and not allow yourself to be confused or deflected. I am filing for divorce, knowing it is the best thing for me, but I am still frightened.”
• “I will go and keep going. I cannot say I love my mate. I feel too injured. He has said too much and gone too far.”

The Figures

A survey of 250 victims of verbal abuse revealed that 71% of respondents felt trapped in their relationships and 83% were afraid of the abuser. More than half of the women who responded also experienced physical abuse. The majority (more than 83%) did not believe their mates would ever change. The overwhelming majority, 93%, also said the verbal abuse increased over time. The survey found that the five most common methods of verbal abuse were, in descending order: “abusive anger; accusing and blaming; judging and criticizing; withholding; and denial.

What to Do If You Choose to Stay

If you decide to stay in a verbally abusive relationship while you develop your resources, get further job training or education, or to work on your marriage, you can employ many coping strategies. Continue to be aware that your partner is exercising power and not looking for mutuality in your relationship. Don’t turn to drugs or alcohol for solace. Exercise, eat well and stay healthy. Join a support group so you don’t feel isolated. Research your legal rights in the jurisdiction where you live. Try keeping a journal to record your thoughts and feelings. As one woman says, “Writing is for me sanity-saving. Writing down your experiences and feelings helps to keep reality clearer for you. It is a confirmation of yourself and your experiences that is eroded by your mate, your family, friends and the general world you live in!”

“When we discover ourselves actively and consciously, when we discover our own value, we awaken what was lost in the trauma or the abuse.”

A healthy relationship is one of “equality, partnership, mutual benefit, good will, validation and intimacy.” You can’t change your partner by trying harder, loving him more or trying desperately to do everything right. The only way he will change is if he is committed to changing in order to help himself and salvage the relationship. The pattern of verbal abuse will not change overnight. Breaking it requires constant vigilance from both partners, and a willingness to communicate and listen. However, the benefits of a mutual relationship are worth the work.

“Recognition is the hardest step; after that, nearly anything is possible.”

Once he has committed to change, the abuser should join a men’s therapy group designed for abusive personalities. He should read material on the subject. He must ask his partner to remind him when he is acting abusively at the time of the offense. Lastly, and in some ways most difficult, the abuser must allow himself to feel the pain he suppresses instead of taking it out on his wife instead. Only when he works through his pain can he become a whole, compassionate and empathetic person.

Into the Light

Recovering from verbal abuse requires time. As one survivor put it, “Just acknowledging the terrific loss of self and spirit helps start the process of healing and rebuilding a self – I am enough, adequate, worthy.” Survivors of verbal abuse must relearn how to act in their own best interests. Begin by nurturing your “inner child.” That is the part of you that is emotional, full of wonder, confidence and interest in the world around you. Verbal abuse wounds your inner child. To nurture her back to health, act as your own loving parent providing security, warmth, acknowledgment and comfort.

“The abuser will usually not admit that there is anything wrong in the relationship at all.”

Identify where your talent and passion lie, and accept them as your gifts, which you contribute to the world. Understand what you need to feel happy and fulfilled. Make a plan to achieve your goals and work toward them every day. Lastly, add structure and substance to your day and let the comfort of your routine soothe your troubled spirit.

About the Author

Patricia Evans has authored four books on the topic of verbal abuse and has worked extensively with abuse victims. She is founder of an institute for interpersonal communication, and works as a consultant, speaker and facilitator.

Video & Podcast

The Sexual Harassment Handbook, Everything You Need to Know Before Someone Calls a Lawyer by Linda Gordon Howard

Recommendation

Employers are increasingly aware that sexual harassment is a problem and that they may be in for trouble if an incident happens in their workplace. However, they still struggle to understand exactly what it is and how to prevent it. In this useful manual, attorney Linda Gordon Howard explains U.S. law in plain language and provides real-life examples of sexual harassment. She points out that sexual harassment affects more than the actor or the target; it can create mistrust and poison the entire workplace atmosphere. She provides advice about investigating complaints, taking action and creating policies. getAbstract recommends this book to human resource managers and supervisors who wish to create workplaces that comply with the law and remain free of hostility.

Take-Aways

• Sexual harassment can occur when one person, male or female, has power over another.
• Legally, sexual harassment is unwelcome behavior that has a detrimental effect on an employee’s performance.
• Much sexual harassment is unintentional.
• Workplaces don’t need to become dour settings where jokes and flirting are forbidden.
• Supervisors should never become romantically involved with the people they oversee.
• Regardless of how you say “no” to a sexual come-on, the person who made the request should listen to you.
• Employers must do more than announce sexual harassment policies; they must also investigate complaints.
• Employers should encourage employees to report sexual harassment.
• If you’ve been harassed, document everything before you forget the details.
• Being named in a sexual harassment complaint doesn’t mean you are guilty.

The Sexual Harassment Handbook Book Summary

How Sexual Harassment Became an Issue

The workplace is a nonthreatening environment where people can get to know each other. Romance is nothing to worry about and is quite different from sexual harassment. Romantic relationships are consensual, and the people involved share similar feelings. In contrast, sexual harassment is nonconsensual and unwelcome. It usually occurs in four kinds of situations:

1. One person does not want a relationship, but fears that if he or she doesn’t obey a direct supervisor the consequences will be dire.
2. A harasser offends a co-worker with comments or actions.
3. Co-workers end a romantic relationship, and one wants to reunite while the other doesn’t.
4. A group harasses an individual they dislike.

“The currently available tools do not acknowledge the biological and social fact that when people work together, sexual attraction and sexual behavior are inevitable.”

Although sexual harassment has been around forever, changes in law and culture, especially women’s mass entry into the workforce during the last half of the 20th century, have changed society’s view of it. Public awareness of the problem has increased due to high-profile incidents, such as the confirmation hearings for U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, during which Anita Hill – a lawyer who had worked for him in the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) – accused him of sexually harassing her.

“The difference in perception of sexual harassment between men and women does not represent an inherent failure of men, but rather a difference in experience and exposure.”

Employees gained protection from harassment with the enactment of antidiscrimination laws such as Title VII, which forbids companies to discriminate on the basis of race, religion, sex or disability, and protects employees from wrongful treatment and poor working conditions. The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that men can be deemed to have harassed other men (and, by implication, that women could be seen as harassing harass other women); that employers are responsible financially and legally if harassment occurs, even if the employee never reported it; that having antiharassment policies in place can protect employers from liability; and that the employer is responsible if an employee loses a job or benefits as a result of sexual harassment.

“It is possible to work together as human beings who value each other, even flirt and joke together, while steering clear of offensive behavior.”

Executives at more than half of businesses in the U.S. believe that sexual harassment is a serious issue that they should address. Many employers conduct training and have instituted antiharassment policies.

Everything You Need to Know about Harassment You Learned in Kindergarten

Three rules, which most people learned as children, can help you avoid becoming the target of harassment accusations:

1. “Leave anyone alone who doesn’t want to play” – Listen to what others say, and do as they ask. This isn’t easy, because most people don’t want to reject others and don’t always communicate their wishes clearly.
2. “Don’t be mean” – Often you don’t intend to hurt, offend or humiliate someone. However, the law doesn’t take into account your intention; it considers only the effect of your behavior. “I was just joking” is not a valid defense.
3. “Don’t pick on little kids” – In the workplace, “little kids” means those with less power than you. Sexual harassment is mainly about power, not sex. Supervisors must be particularly sensitive and avoid using their authority to coerce others.

Defining Sexual Harassment

Terms such as “victim” and “harasser” can affect how others see the people involved in an incident. To sort out what really happened, use neutral terms such as “actor” and “target” to identify who did what. The legal term “responsible supervisor” refers to the person who investigates the sexual harassment complaint. Co-workers who witnessed the incident are the “active observers.”

“Women in positions of supervisory power are able to impose unwanted and offensive behavior on their male and female subordinates just as men in supervisory positions are able to do.”

Legally, sexual harassment is unwanted and has a negative effect on the target. To fit the definition, it must include these four elements:

1. The actor does something verbal, visual or physical, such as touching or flirting.
2. The target views the action as unwelcome or unwanted.
3. The action is somehow sex- or gender-related.
4. The interaction damages the target’s performance, work environment or job security.

“The pursuit of female company or sexual satisfaction is one thing, but using one’s authority as a supervisor or taking advantage of the woman’s inability to escape the attention without leaving her job is another thing altogether.”

Sexual harassment incidents are usually of two kinds:

• “Quid pro quo” – Exchanging a job, promotion or benefit for sex or related activity.
• “Hostile environment” – Creating a poisonous atmosphere. For example, the men in one office regularly pinched and touched a female co-worker, and used vulgar language toward her. Although she didn’t lose any tangible benefits, she experienced harassment nevertheless.

“Once the target submits a formal complaint, no matter how understanding the employer is or how conciliatory the employer represents the complaint procedure to be, the process becomes adversarial.”

Although the legal definition of sexual harassment may sound clear-cut, with language such as “unwelcome” and “sexual,” you can’t always be sure when you’ve crossed the line. Generally, when the target expresses disapproval, you’re harassing him or her. But people don’t always express their dissatisfaction, and the courts don’t view certain one-time behaviors as harassment.

Dealing with Sexual Harassment

If your supervisor makes unwelcome advances, tell him or her. Focus on the action rather than the supervisor’s character or motives. When you approach a supervisor with a complaint about his or her behavior, the supervisor should thank you for the feedback and agree not to do the offensive action again. If that doesn’t work or if you are reluctant to speak up, report the problem to the appropriate manager as soon as possible.

“The key to dealing with an accusation of sexual harassment is recognizing the target’s communication for what it is: a complaint.”

To minimize the possibility of sexual harassment accusations, supervisors should not initiate sexual relationships with subordinates and should reject their advances. Even if your subordinate seems to welcome the relationship, avoid entanglement.

Women sometimes reject men’s advances tactfully by saying something such as: “I have other plans” – leading some men to think they are still open to another invitation. When someone turns you down, no matter how politely, take the response as a final no.

“It is tempting to dismiss an employee’s concerns if other employees put up with, were not bothered by or were amused by the behavior.”

Harassment among co-workers is different from harassment by supervisors, since co-workers don’t have the power to withhold tangible benefits. However, if an employee complains about sexual harassment from co-workers, and the employer either has no policy or fails to investigate the problem, then the court may hold the employer liable.

Conduct a Self-Assessment

Look at these three aspects of your behavior to make sure you’re not offending those around you:

1. “Innocent interaction” – In an innocent interaction, you don’t have an agenda. Determine if your actions or statements are offensive, sexual or condescending by examining the response you seek. Ask yourself whether you would have done the same if the target was the other gender. If your answer is yes, then your interaction was probably innocent.
2. “Gender-specific agenda” – Flirtatious comments, including invitations for drinks, dinner or other social activities, or references to the target’s body parts, appearance or social life can be harassing if the target doesn’t welcome them. If the target responds by laughing uncomfortably, changing the subject or ending the conversation, he or she probably finds your comment unwelcome.
3. “Hostile agenda” – If you don’t care about the target’s response to your actions, you may be acting out of anger or resentment, not fondness or attraction.

What to Do if Someone Harasses You

Take nine steps if you experience sexual harassment:

1. Admit that a problem exists – This doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong, but rather that the actor is bothering you and that you need to take action. It’s not your fault. Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed by the situation.
2. Ask the actor to stop – Explain that the behavior upsets you. You may have to bring it up more than once to get your message across.
3. Talk to someone you trust – Find someone who can provide support, help you recognize your feelings and take the right follow-up actions.
4. Look up your organization’s sexual harassment policy – Determine whether the behavior constitutes sexual harassment.
5. Document everything – Write down names, dates, actions and how you felt. Identify potential witnesses. This diary can serve as evidence. Keep it at home, since information at the business site belongs to the company, and if you leave your job, you won’t be able to take the documentation with you.
6. Report the behavior – Your company’s policy should include a procedure for reporting complaints. Reporting may make you feel uncomfortable or you may want to avoid confrontation. You may not want to see the actor fired; you just want the behavior to stop. However, this might not happen if you don’t report it.
7. Answer questions during the investigation – Be prepared for more than one interview session, and make sure you have enough copies of all relevant information. Never give away your originals.
8. Seek help from an external agency – If your employer doesn’t plan to investigate, then turn to an external organization such as your state antidiscrimination agency or the federal EEOC. The EEOC requires you to file within 180 days of the incident.
9. Get a lawyer – You need a lawyer if your employer has taken no action or if the external agency requests that you sign documents. Lawsuits can take a long time to resolve and can be emotionally and financially draining.

What to Do If Someone Accuses You

If you face an accusation of harassment, take it seriously. Listen to the target. Talk with employees to learn what behaviors they consider acceptable. Stop doing anything your target identified as unwelcome. Review your employer’s sexual harassment policy. Get the advice and support you need to evaluate the situation and find a resolution. Document all activities. Refrain from trying to convince the target that you did nothing wrong.

“The tendency to impose maximum penalties for every violation tends to discourage targets from reporting incidents of sexual harassment.”

If you receive a formal complaint, read the documentation and contact the manager who sent it to you to find out about the complaint process and what you must do. Remember that your company has a responsibility to investigate complaints; a complaint does not mean that you are guilty. Some workers make revenge complaints after they’ve been fired.

The Role of the Supervisor

When you receive a complaint, listen. During the initial contact, learn about and understand the problem. Determine whether the incident is sexual harassment. Ensure the employee’s safety. After resolving any security issues, explain to the employee what happens next. If you’re not sure what to do, find out. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

“Basic prevention activities are usually enough to eliminate much of the employer’s risk of liability.”

Explain the company’s sexual harassment policy, give the employee a copy, and answer any questions about the policy and procedures. Respect the employee’s concerns. Ask for documentation. End the meeting by telling the employee what you will do and when to expect follow up. Soon afterward, contact the responsible person or the EEOC.

The Employer’s Responsibility

Organizations must have policies that explain sexual harassment clearly, and outline procedures for reporting and investigating a situation. The complaint procedure should be easy to follow and use. Though only a handful of states require employers to conduct sexual harassment training, you may want to provide it to communicate the policy and norms for your workplace.

About the Author

Linda Gordon Howard is an attorney, consultant and trainer with expertise in legal and management practices related to sexual harassment.

Tales From the Boom-Boom Room, Women vs. Wall Street by Susan Antilla

Recommendation

Susan Antilla presents a powerful and startling indictment of the sexist behavior of stock brokers working for Wall Street and its offshoots, specifically Smith Barney’s Shearson/American Express office in Garden City, Long Island. Women struggled to be hired, and then found that the men in charge of their careers practiced all sorts of sexual harassment and intimidation, from jokes to displays of sexual prowess, physical contact and threats of rape. As she describes, the bosses sought to bar women or trap them in low positions. While painting the broader picture, Antilla focuses on whistle blower, Pam Martens, who revealed the situation when she sued for damages. This skillfully written book reads like a fascinating novel, so graphic and dramatic that it is more like a screenplay than a report. getAbstract.com believes it will draw intense interest from everyone affected by this issue: female executives who face glass ceilings and harassment, male executives who must determine their own philosophies toward their female colleagues and human resource professionals who are charged with watching out for them both.

Take-Aways

• In the early 1980s, a growing number of women began to enter the securities industry.
• Women found a very hostile working environment in the industry.
• One of the biggest securities firms, Smith Barney, had a network of retail brokerage companies through Shearson/American Express.
• Pam Martens, who later became lead plaintiff against Smith Barney, worked in its very successful Garden City, Long Island, Shearson branch.
• Branch manager Nick Cuneo created a fun atmosphere for Garden City brokers, who turned the office basement into the party-filled “Boom Boom Room.”
• Male brokers there subjected women to verbal harassment and inappropriate touching.
• Martens sued and began exposing the security industry’s mistreatment of women.
• When a class action settlement was offered, Martens rejected it as insufficient.
• Martens drew public attention to the abuses and her lawsuit led to improved conditions for women in the securities industry.
• She won no settlement money since her individual civil suit failed.

Tales From the Boom-Boom Room Book Summary

So Sue Me

Most women face a very hostile work environment when they sue for sexual harassment, and that’s what happened to Pam Martens when she litigated against Smith Barney in the 1990s. Women in the securities industry were initially afraid to talk about sexual harassment, but when they did, their stories of discrimination were strikingly similar.

“The most egregious sex discrimination cases settle for generous amounts, with plaintiffs promising in exchange not to disclose what happened to them – or the price they were paid for their silence.”

These women were scared to come forward for good reason: public attention provoked retaliation from their companies, ranging from subtle social and business exclusions to withdrawal of privileges. A woman who claimed emotional distress – in a climate charged by lawsuits – risked having her psychological, marital and gynecological records subpoenaed and presented to an arbitration panel. The pressure caused emotional problems for many women. Yet, those who pressed their harassment suits found that the most outrageous cases of sexual discrimination were usually settled for fairly high amounts. However, the plaintiffs had to promise to keep quiet about what happened and what amount they were paid.

“Smith Barney became less tolerant of hostile workplace incidents after the women’s lawsuit and was not shy about releasing information about firing men who were involved in improper behavior.”

As this case against Smith Barney proceeded, neither the firm nor many of the plaintiffs would discuss it. However, once the lawsuit was settled, the company became more strict about preventing sexist incidents, changed its policies and fired men who engaged in inappropriate conduct. Before that transition, women encountered difficult, oppressive conditions in the company and in the securities industry.

Insecure in the Securities Biz

By the time Pam Martens first joined the Shearson/American Express office in Garden City, New York, it had already developed a culture as a party center for hard-driving, competitive brokers. The branch was located in an attractive upscale New York City suburb, but in the office, women were treated like tramps and prostitutes by male co-workers who called them names such as “bitch” and “whore.” The men even discussed their sexual exploits in front of their few female colleagues.

“Just about everybody loved Cuneo, because he believed in fun and he believed in having his staff, mostly male heads of households, make money. Big money was spent on entertainment, too.”

The greatest bull market in U.S. history began in 1982. It was a boon for the Shearson/American Express network of 352 retail stock brokerage companies. Garden City was a celebrated office with one of the highest outputs in the system. The head of the office, branch manager Nicholas F. Cuneo, reflected the old style approach to retail sales. He was “loud, direct, demanding and frequently crude in the office,” and the men he managed were much like him. He was displeased when women started working in the office, as were many of the other men. He even told women applicants not to expect to be paid as much as men.

“The early 1980s was a time when men in branch offices of brokerage firms were encountering significant numbers of female colleagues for the first time. For some of them, it was unsettling.”

Cuneo’s hard working, hard partying office performed quite well – ranking in profitability among the top ten percent of the company’s branches. He encouraged a fun atmosphere, where drinking was common at the office and at the local saloon. After the branch moved to a flashy new site, a former furniture store, the brokers set up a party room in the basement where the furnace was located. The “Boom-Boom Room,” as they called it, was adjacent to the conference room where brokers were praised or scorned at mandatory weekly meetings. The office emphasized making the highest commissions possible, with little concern about customers. The brokers often engaged in dubious practices, such as pushing questionable stocks and exaggerating or concealing the performance of mutual funds. Punishment for such actions was rare. At the time, illegal practices, such as insider trading, were common. Speculators such as Ivan F. Boesky would soon become household names. The public was mostly unaware of boiler room tactics, such as cold call scripts filled with exaggerations.

“Cuneo’s flock of hard-charging brokers worked the phones each day in their highly competitive jobs.”

Throughout the security industry, generally, and at Shearson/American Express, in particular, women were often treated poorly, as Pam Martens found when she joined the office in 1985. She came from West Virginia’s Appalachian mountains, and had been raised in an environment that mistrusted big employers. At 35, she sought a job where she could make good money to support her young son, Sean. But when she started in the brokerage’s training program, she earned $19,000 a year while male trainees were paid $30,000.

Taking It at Shearson

Over the next decade, Martens did the best she could to survive and do well despite Shearson’s difficult environment. Her workplace was characterized by continual harassment, mistreatment of customers and fights between competing brokers. She frequently heard the salesman around the corner from her scream at paying customers. The salesmen often shouted and pounded their fists as they argued about who got what account. Marten’s first assignment was to work in the basement bullpen making cold calls for the more experienced upstairs staff. Meanwhile, veteran brokers were stocking the room with party supplies to turn it into the “Boom Boom Room.” Along with eight male brokers, she worked at first with two other women and, later, with three. They helped make her job more enjoyable.

“Up to 1984, the year that Pam Martens set her sights on Wall Street, not much punishment had been meted out for stock transgressions, which were done with a strong dash of arrogance – that is, with a win, a nod, and a quick call to a Swiss bank.”

However, these women encountered harassing incidents over and over. For instance, one broker ranted about not only women, but also blacks and Jews. Even after Martens graduated from the bullpen to her own private office, the outrageous behavior around her continued. Once, the men held a belching contest. Another time, they wrote disparaging comments on the board about the sexual practices of one of the female workers. Cuneo tried to reduce Pam’s earnings after she started doing very well. He attempted to limit her to a $40,000 a year salary after she earned $80,000 in commissions, though she refused. He also transferred some of her accounts to other brokers. Still, she managed to survive and prosper.

The Battle Begins

An event in 1994 precipitated the process that led Martens to become a lead whistleblower in the Smith Barney lawsuit. Cuneo announced that he expected sales assistants to volunteer some personal time each month at the Hospice of Long Island, his favorite charity. Employee Roberta Thorman complained that this was unfair. That, and a series of other incidents, led Martens to begin drawing parallels between Cuneo’s dictatorial ways and the oppression of West Virginia’s coal miners. She began to see the office’s other wrongs against women in this context. Even though the industry had a pattern of harassment, individual women were still isolated. In one case, Linda Atkins Smoot charged that Roger Shuster, her Smith Barney boss, repeatedly touched her inappropriately, verbally abused her and wrote a provocative letter to a client that killed one of her potentially lucrative deals.

“The public was largely oblivious to the boiler room tactics.”

Martens launched a “mass awakening” of women in the industry by meeting with Thorman and contacting some of the women who had worked in Garden City. Common patterns of mistreatment emerged. She began to believe it would be necessary to sue Smith Barney, particularly since standard complaints to the manager and the human resources department were ineffective. Accordingly, in October 1994, she wrote a six-page letter to Smith Barney’s new president James Dimon. Her letter detailed a series of complaints. She described the bad treatment several women had experienced and suggested that someone was covering up for Cuneo. As Dimon considered what to do, Cuneo struck back with a counteroffensive. Three brokers said that if she did not retract her letter, they would dig up dirt about her. She refused to back down and, as Dimon investigated, he began to realize that more and more of her allegations were true. He was under pressure to bury the charges, even when Martens herself reported that she heard Cuneo make rape and death threats against her if his career was threatened. Eventually Martens realized that she had to sue her employer.

Suing Smith Barney: Work For It

Martens hired Judith Vladeck, a 70-year old employment attorney, known for successfully suing big companies and earning settlements in exchange for her clients remaining silent about past ordeals. Vladeck spoke of launching a class-action suit against Smith Barney, preceded by filing forms with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). She asked Martens and two other Smith Barney employees – Judy Mione and Lorraine Parker – to look for more plaintiffs among current and former employees. Within days, Mione and Martens began to suffer retaliation. Checks were missing from three of Marten’s client accounts; other brokers recruited her clients. Eventually, Martens was fired for refusing to attend a mandatory brokers’ conference meeting. She replied that she could no longer attend branch meetings due to “constant abuse, ridicule and harassment” at the all male sessions. She was given an hour to pack her desk and leave. After being turned down by Merrill Lynch and Dean Witter, she was hired by A.G. Edwards.

“Women were beginning to be frustrated when they entered jobs in finance and failed to be paid at the level the men were paid.”

Vladeck proceeded slowly and cautiously, accumulating research, but Martens became impatient. She found different lawyers – Linda D. Friedman and Mary Stowell at Leng Stowell Friedman and Verson – who had represented women against the Olde Discount Company. Friedman and Stowell also suggested a class action suit. When the new team filed fresh EEOC charges (a necessary prelude to a civil rights suit), they added retaliation and defamation to Marten’s grievances, since she had been fired. Her May 1996 filing became the lead claim that other female Smith Barney employees could join. The complaint was filed against Jamie Dimon and Nick Cuneo, plus the New York Stock Exchange and the National Association of Securities Dealers, the forums where most Wall Street employment cases were arbitrated. Suing them highlighted the unfairness of mandatory arbitration.

“The Garden City office was a place where rules in general seemed to be flouted. Watching out for the customer was no way to get ahead.”

The case against Smith Barney and the other defendants soon became a major news story. It exposed the pervasive harassment against women throughout the securities industry. Women from Goldman Sachs, Bear Stearns and Merrill Lynch began calling Martens to describe the discrimination and harassment at their firms. A group of female Merrill Lynch employees sued their company. Though Smith Barney and the securities industry tried to fight back, the news media displayed their discriminatory practices. In 1997, Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs did a 20/20 interview featuring stories of lewd comments, unwanted sexual advances and a boss who stripped in front of other people. The National Organization for Women gave its “Women of Courage” award to the Smith Barney plaintiffs.

“Trouble was brewing in branch offices from New York’s financial district to the Pacific Coast Highway, but women in the securities industry were in the dark about one another’s distress.”

Martens dropped out of the suit. She challenged Friedman and Stowell’s negotiated settlement, since it omitted some key principles, such as an end to mandatory arbitration. She objected that the settlement provide no lump sum or fund for women, just an internal $15 million for a diversity program at Smith Barney. Martens thought the settlement was selling out. A few other women joined her, including Judy Mione, who hired Gary Phelen at Garrison, Phelan, Levin-Epstein, Chimes and Richardson to represent them. After many hearings, the first Martens suit – now without Martens – got certified as a class action by the judge, though Martens objected. Additional class members were invited to file individual grievances. Meanwhile, Smith Barney made changes itself, such as firing some offenders, advancing women to new positions and starting diversity programming. Martens and Mione failed in their separate civil law suit. The judge ruled that because they were no longer part of the original case, they had “lost their opportunity to pursue their individual claims.” Phelan appealed, but Martens received no settlement, except perhaps the satisfaction of knowing that her case helped open the door about Wall Street’s treatment of female employees.

About the Author

Bloomberg News columnist Susan Antilla once worked at the New York Times, where she launched a weekly investing column and an ombudsman column called “Between Main & Wall.” She was the bureau chief of the Money section of USA Today and financial bureau chief for the Baltimore Sun. She was twice a finalist for a Gerald Loeb Award for Distinguished Business and Financial Journalism.

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, What You Need to Know – and What You Can Do by Mary L. Boland

Recommendation

The primary U.S. law regarding sexual conduct in the workplace, which Congress enacted in 1964, has had a profound impact on American society and business. Attorney Mary L. Boland’s comprehensive handbook tells employers and employees how to define and prevent this problem and explains what to do if you are a victim. She provides the right level of detail for nonlawyers, pointing out the kinds of issues, conditions and events that can trigger a complaint. The book is readable and clearly organized, with sections that explain employer responsibilities, legal resources and remedies – from filing a lawsuit to arbitration and mediation. Four appendices and a glossary add valuable information. getAbstract.com highly recommends this lucid, practical book to human resource managers, executives, small business owners and employees at every level, particularly victims of sexual harassment.

Take-Aways

• In a 1992 Working Woman magazine survey, 60% of the respondents said they had been sexually harassed.
• Harassment is common among women in male-dominated fields such as firefighting, the military and law enforcement.
• The private sector spends $1 billion per year on harassment issues.
• In 1999, courts awarded more than $150 million to victims of sexual harassment.
• One study found that in nonprofessional work environments, half of sexual harassment incidents also included a physical act.
• Title VII of the U.S. Civil Rights Act of 1964 outlaws sexual harassment.
• Every state except Georgia and Mississippi has laws against sexual harassment.
• In quid pro quo harassment, an employer requires sexual favors in exchange for hiring or promotion.
• In a hostile work environment, workers are the targets of unsolicited sexual advances that inhibit their ability to perform their duties.
• In workplaces where profanity is common, men often regard women as sexual objects.

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Book Summary

“An Immense Problem”

Sexual harassment in the workplace is an “immense problem” for thousands of men and women, who annually report incidents to federal and state agencies, as well as to their employers. The laws against sexual harassment, which state that no one should be the target of “unwelcome” sexual conduct or “pressure” in the workplace, apply to both sexes, since both can be either perpetrators or victims.

“All employers have a responsibility to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace.”

Women file most sexual harassment complaints. In the 1970s, Redbook magazine found that 90% of the 9,000 women who answered a questionnaire had encountered sexual harassment at work. Another Redbook study found that 81% of women on a California naval base and in a nearby town said they had been harassed. A Cornell University study found that 70% of the respondents reported being sexually harassed. More recently, a 1992 study in Working Woman magazine found that 60% of the 9,000 respondents said they had been sexually harassed.

“The laws say that no one should have to work in a locker-room atmosphere, and no one has the right to sexually bully another person at work.”

Harassment has an economic impact, leading to job problems and lawsuits against private corporations and the U.S. government. During a two-year period in the mid-1990s, the federal government spent more than $300 million defending itself against complaints, while the U.S. Department of Labor estimates that the private sector spends $1 billion per year on harassment issues. These estimates exclude the legal judgments and out-of-court amounts paid to settle sexual harassment claims. In 1999, the courts awarded more than $150 million to harassment victims.

A Form of Discrimination

Any employee at any level can commit sexual harassment. However, because of the nature of supervisors’ responsibilities, you must be especially aware of sexual harassment policies if you manage employees, particularly if you control their working conditions and promotional opportunities.

“Stereotypical views of women pose serious risks for women in a workplace.”

Employees who feel they have been victimized should report harassment immediately, knowing that the law forbids employers to retaliate against workers who complain. The stress of harassment can be very damaging. One study found that 96% of harassment victims suffered emotional complications, and one-third experienced stress-related physical problems. Women who are harassed may become traumatized and fear a violent attack. According to the American Psychiatric Association, some victims develop post-traumatic stress disorder.

“Supervisors can engage in more forms of sexual harassment because of the authority (they are) given, so their acts are considered the acts of the company or employer.”

Employers should act promptly to investigate harassment complaints. If your company ends up in court, it will need to prove that its managers exercised “due care” to prevent problems and to correct those they discovered.

Sexual harassment occurs in all segments of the labor market, public and private, and in all industries. However, complaints are more frequent in professions where women are a minority, including among doctors and investment bankers. Many documented cases of sexual harassment have occurred in predominantly male work environments, such as law enforcement, firefighting and the military. In such workplaces, male workers may stigmatize or start rumors about a woman who makes a mistake, eventually creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that she cannot perform a “man’s job.” Harassment is often intertwined with stereotypes such as the idea that women work in order to find husbands or that they are paid more than they are worth.

Harassment in Law Enforcement and the Military

In 1995, the Los Angeles Police Department settled a harassment complaint brought by a policewoman who was raped. At the same time, it was working to settle more than two dozen additional sexually related complaints. In Grand Rapids, Michigan, nine female police officers sued the city, charging that more than 20 male officers had harassed them between 1996 and 2000. At the time, only 50 of Grand Rapid’s 400 police officers were women. Nationally, by 2001 about 13% of all police were women, yet despite their increasing numbers, they continued to report numerous cases of harassment.

“Favoritism arises when a supervisor promotes his girlfriend to a position you were also qualified for.”

In 1996, a national survey of women in the military found that about half of all military women said they had been sexually harassed. At that time, many women in Army circles reported being raped. The hotline that the Army created to address the problem received about 6,600 complaints in the first two months.

“High levels of sexual harassment exist when there is a low number of women in the workplace.”

One famous example of sexual harassment occurred in 1991 during the Tailhook military convention, when Navy officers publicly groped a female helicopter pilot. She sued and won a $5 million judgment in a civil lawsuit. The Navy eventually found that 117 officers had been involved in incidents at the convention and disciplined more than 70 of them.

“The nature of sexual harassment is necessarily disturbing and distressing, but in preparing to make your report, you must carefully consider the facts that you will include.”

A 2004 Department of Defense survey found that one in seven female trainees at U.S. military academies had been assaulted, although the women reported only one-third of the assaults.

Contributing Factors

Various cultural factors in the workplace can encourage sexual harassment:

• Profanity – In workplaces where swearing is common, women are three times more likely to be regarded as objects of sexual attention.
• Prejudice – Sexual harassment is often an expression of prejudice. People tend to associate and socialize with people who resemble them, and often these preferences play a role in hiring and promotions: men tend to hire and promote other men. When these social relations take precedence over other job qualifications, the courts consider them a form of “unlawful discrimination.”
• Resentment – Men may feel threatened by having women in the workplace, even though women earn about 75 cents for each dollar men earn. When a woman is promoted, she earns less: 69 cents for each dollar a man earns in the same position.

The Impact of Title VII

Title VII of the U.S. Civil Rights Act of 1964 outlaws sexual harassment. Although the term “sexual discrimination” does not appear in Title VII, it is covered under other provisions that protect against employment discrimination. Fair employment practice acts and antidiscrimination laws supplement Title VII at the state level. Victims of discrimination can also seek relief in the civil courts.

“An informal settlement works best when the harassment is relatively minor and the parties desire to continue to work together.”

When Title VII was first passed, some courts treated sexual harassment complaints as “personal relationship” problems and did not acknowledge that they had legal standing. By 1976, though, many courts had begun to consider work-related sexual harassment to be a form of discrimination. Today, all states except Georgia and Mississippi have laws against sexual harassment. These laws differ in terms of coverage, penalties, responsible persons, damages, and caps on compensatory and punitive damages. Victims can file Title VII complaints with the state, federal or local department that has jurisdiction over sexual harassment investigations. In addition, some cities and municipalities have laws governing harassment complaints.

“A Continuum of Harm”

Each case of sexual harassment is unique, but the key variables are usually the severity of the action, who did it and how it harmed the victim. Since offensive conduct manifests in many forms and degrees, the nature and frequency of the act are crucial. The more severe or gross the action, the fewer times it has to happen before it constitutes legal harassment. Some obnoxious behaviors are not sufficient by themselves to constitute a legal basis for a claim. However, harassment may include sexual joking; using sexist words, such as “doll,” “babe” or “honey;” brushing against a person or even staring. Other forms of harassing behavior include asking for sex, sexual coercion and actual physical assault. One study found that 50% of females who were harassed in nonprofessional work environments also became the victims of physical acts.

“A hostile work environment case is established when the environment becomes so intimidating or offensive that it changes the conditions of the job.”

Sexual harassment cases fall into two main categories:

1. Quid pro quo – In such cases, the victim receives unsolicited sexual advances to which he or she must acquiesce to keep a job or receive a promotion.
2. Hostile work environment – These cases are more difficult to prove than quid-pro-quo cases, since the criteria are vague. The courts have found that work enviroments can be treated as “intimidating, hostile or offensive” if workers there receive unsolicited advances that negatively affect their work. One court case found that off-color photos and jokes contributed to a “hostile working environment” that elevated sexual tensions.

The Issues in Harassment Cases

Recently, the number of both types of cases has increased. The courts have taken the following factors into consideration in their rulings:

• “Unwelcome” conduct – Two people who work together may engage in voluntary romantic behavior. However, unwelcome statements or advances may be harassing or discriminatory.
• “Changing conditions” at work – The Supreme Court has ruled that a single comment or flirtatious act does not constitute a hostile work environment. But if many people repeat the same comment, that eventually can constitute a hostile environment.
• Special considerations – If a manager offers an employee a promotion on the condition that the employee grants him or her sexual favors, it is harassment.
• Same-sex harassment – In 1998, a male oil rig worker experienced unwanted advances from a male co-worker and went to court charging sexual harassment. The Supreme Court unanimously ruled that laws against sexual harassment are also applicable to same-gender situations.
• Harassment outside of work – When employees are on work-related business, such as traveling or attending meetings, any offensive conduct may become part of a business-related claim.

Preventing Harassment

To prevent sexual harassment, make sure your company has a formal sexual harassment policy that clearly defines sexual harassment, provides examples of violations, guarantees confidentiality, forbids retaliation, explains legal avenues of recourse, spells out disciplinary actions and establishes follow-up procedures. Make it clear that your organization is committed to resolving all harassment complaints quickly, and maintain detailed records about all investigations and their resolutions, in case the complaint ends up in court.

Restoring Employee Confidence

Remedies for sexual harassment may include issuing back pay; rehiring the employee into his or her old position with the same seniority; granting a promotion; issuing “front pay,” or a salary advance; and injunctive relief, which can take the form of employee education or training. Title VII allows harassment plaintiffs who win against their employers to recover court costs and fees for lawyers and expert witnesses.

“Sexual harassment can cause serious harm to its victims, their families and other co-workers.”

Victims are entitled to compensatory damages for emotional pain and suffering, and to punitive damages. In 1991, Congress capped the amount of punitive and compensatory damages that employers must pay. Limits are based on the number of employees. For instance, the liability of companies with 501 or more employees is limited to $300,000. Liability payments from firms with 15 to 100 employees are capped at $50,000.

“Whatever the job environment, workers have a right not to be sexually harassed.”

Mediation and arbitration are other ways to resolve harassment complaints. “Alternative dispute resolution” is becoming more popular as legal costs increase. Victims who want to maintain their relationships with their employers should consider mediation. Arbitration tends to favor the employer, but it is cheaper than filing a lawsuit.

About the Author

Mary L. Boland has authored legislation protecting victims and co-chairs the victim’s committees of both the Criminal Justice Section of the American Bar Association and the Prosecutor’s Bar Association of Illinois. She has served on the Task Force on Gender Bias in the Illinois Courts and on the City of Chicago Advisory Council on Women. A full-time prosecutor, she has taught at Governor’s State University, Roosevelt University and Loyola Law School.