Sherming

Pregnant Then Screwed, The Truth About the Motherhood Penalty and How to Fix It by Joeli Brearley

Women pay a professional and financial price for having children – in employment opportunities, career advancement and salary. In this infuriating, compassionate book, a British women’s rights activist describes exactly how the workplace fails women with children, what women can do to fight back, and how society can start loving its mothers.

In the United States, women earn, on average, approximately 80% of what men do. And women in every country in Europe, too, receive lower average salaries than their male counterparts – an average of 13% lower across the EU in 2020, according to the European Commission.

But it seems statements about the gender pay gap need to carry a startling, heartbreaking qualification: Women who don’t have children earn about the same amount as men. The pay gap arises because women who have children earn far less than women who don’t – a phenomenon sociologists have dubbed “the motherhood penalty.” Author Joeli Brearley also terms it “the procreation gap”: the literal price women pay for perpetuating the human race.

The Procreation Gap

Brearley lays out the reasons for the procreation gap with passion, clarity and more than a few swear words. And she brings the receipts. First, she notes, women face rampant employment discrimination during pregnancy and motherhood. In the United Kingdom alone, 54,000 women lose their jobs each year just for clocking in pregnant, and nearly 80% of working mothers contend with discrimination or negative treatment at work.

From the moment the stick turns blue, we face challenges and barriers we never previously knew existed.

JOELI BREARLEY

Women do have the right to 39 weeks of paid maternity leave in the United Kingdom, and in 2010, the UK’s Equality Act outlawed discrimination on the basis of maternity or pregnancy. But as Brearley points out, legal rights mean little when employers regularly disregard them – leaving little recourse for women who are already exhausted by childbirth and the travails of mothering an infant. A mere 1% of British women who encounter workplace discrimination related to maternity or pregnancy ever undertake legal action. Yet 77% of working mothers report having experienced some form of workplace discrimination. Young mothers, those with disabilities and minority women face additional challenges.

Get Pregnant, Get a Pink Slip

In 2013, while working for a children’s charity, Brearley received a phone call from the organization’s CEO informing her that her contract had been terminated. Brearley had told her employer that she was pregnant only the day before.

Brearley first sought to bring a suit against the employer, but the combination of legal fees – estimated at £9,000 (about US$10,700) – and a risky pregnancy led her to abandon the case. Women have only three months from the date of the discriminatory action to start proceedings, Brearley explains, a limitation that would have pregnant women, already struggling with financial worries due to the loss of income, also take on the expense and stress of raising a tribunal claim.

No matter how much we try to escape traditional gendered roles…women are constantly being nudged back to the kitchen sink.

JOELI BREARLEY

Brearley soon found new employment. But as she spoke with other mothers, she learned her experience was far from isolated. She founded the nonprofit organization Pregnant Then Screwed in 2015 to support women who’ve suffered discrimination on the basis of their pregnancy or maternity and, ultimately, to end the motherhood penalty. During the COVID-19 pandemic, she took the British government to court for indirect sex discrimination – and won. Brearley serves on a UN working group for women’s human rights, and in 2021, Vogue listed her among the 25 most influential British women.

Guidance for Mothers

Throughout the book, Brearley offers heartfelt advice and practical knowledge to help mothers navigate – and fight back against – a work world that systematically excludes and disadvantages them. Noting that women often fail to take action because guilt and shame hamper their response, Brearley explains where those feelings of guilt and shame stem from societal expectations, inaccurate media portrayals of motherhood, gender-biased scientific studies and denigrating messages from employers themselves, and she encourages women to protect their mental health and assert their rights.

Pregnant Then Screwed has supported thousands of women in insisting on their rights in the workplace, and that extensive experience informs Brearley’s advice to readers who might be undergoing their own difficulties. For example, Brearley points out that many employers weaponize nondisclosure agreements to gag and disempower women who’ve suffered discrimination. She assures readers that these agreements rarely provide legal cover for wrongdoing – and that employers know this.

A Better World for Mothers

After thoroughly defining the problem – the persistent pay gap for mothers; the discrimination women face just for having children; and the challenges and burdens placed on the shoulders of women who become pregnant, bear children or lose them – Brearley outlines solutions with equal precision. She dismisses self-employment as a solution, citing sobering facts: Some 60% of new businesses fail within their first three years; about half of all self-employed people subsist on poverty wages; self-employed mothers often can’t afford to stop working after giving birth; and the gender pay gap stands at a stunning 43% among the self-employed.

We’ve forced our childbearing hips into pairs of corporate trousers that were never designed for us, and, quite frankly, it has given us thrush.

Instead, Brearley calls for specific reforms in a host of areas: flexible working hours for everyone (and fewer hours in the first place); accessible, affordable, high-quality child care; higher salaries for child care workers; a shift to a focus on productivity rather than presenteeism; paternity leave, paid and ring-fenced so fathers can actually spend more time with their children; a justice system that provides access for pregnant and post-partum mothers, and that holds companies accountable; and quotas – such as those already in existence in France, Italy, Germany, Spain, China and India – that ensure women hold a measure of power in corporations.

Although Brearley’s anecdotes and case studies focus on the United Kingdom, her passionate arguments deal with universal themes and problems. If you are a mother or if you have a mother, Brearley’s treatise will likely enrage you. She makes a powerful case that it’s time to stop penalizing women for procreating, and to start building a society that supports mothers.

Video & Podcast

Fearless, The New Rules for Unlocking Creativity, Courage, and Success by Rebecca Minkoff

Recommendation

How did fashion designer Rebecca Minkoff go from barely covering her rent to transforming a T-shirt design business into a multimillion dollar fashion label? Minkoff attributes her success to hard work and fearlessly forging her own path. In her lively, accessible book, she distills the lessons learned during her career into 21 maxims you can apply to your own unique journey. If you just want to imitate someone else’s success, says Minkoff, follow the template of your predecessors. But if you want to create something totally new, dare to do things differently.

Take-Aways

• Fashion designer Rebecca Minkoff offers her tips for professional success. First, own your choices.
• Choose purpose over profit, and give back to your community.
• Be specific about your needs, and seek opportunities you may be missing.
• Conquer your fears. Take risks and venture into the unknown.
• Cultivate strong working relationships, and stay aligned with deep communication.
• Be accessible to a broad audience, and don’t rush yourself or take shortcuts.
• Stop imitating others. Give yourself freedom to experiment.
• Flip your perspective about change, and tune into your intuition. 
• Opt to collaborate rather than compete.
• Prioritize self-care, and design a life that works for you.
• Treat failure as a learning opportunity, and recognize that your goals will keep evolving.

Fearless Book Summary

​​​​Fashion designer Rebecca Minkoff offers her tips for professional success. First, own your choices.

For two decades, fashion designer Rebecca Minkoff worked from the ground up, building her global luxury fashion label. Now, she shares her rules for success. You can choose how you apply these guidelines on your own path toward success. Sometimes pursuing your goals will mean eschewing safe and established conventions, and forging new ways of working. Thus, adopt Minkoff’s advice only when and where you see fit. Remember that true success – however you define it – takes hard work and dedication. Nobody achieves their dreams overnight.

“If I had taken the safe route and always done as I was told, when I was told, where I was told, I’m pretty sure I would be answering the phones at my father’s office in Florida.”

Throughout your formative years, you likely sought permission to do what you wished to do. For example, children must ask their parents or guardians if they want to eat or go outdoors to play. As an adult, don’t ask others to validate your choices before you make them; doing so offloads responsibility onto others for matters you yourself should handle. Instead, embrace your autonomy and direct your own life.

Choose purpose over profit, and give back to your community.

When you were a child, how did you respond to the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” You likely answered authentically – even if your answer was something outrageous, such as a “ballerina cat.” As adults, many people stop believing in their dreams, because they worry that following them won’t pay the bills. Try to reconnect with your sense of purpose, seizing opportunities that align with your unique strengths. For example, if your greatest strength is your ability to listen empathetically to others, then choosing an accounting role, for instance, might not serve your purpose as well as working in a customer service position. Find work that feels truly rewarding to you.

You can help others in your community in many ways. Giving back could mean beautifying your neighborhood or joining a social movement, for example. You have something to offer those around you, and you should take an active role in building the kind of world in which you want to live. You don’t need to spend money to make a difference. Think about ways you could use your time, energy, skills, ideas and resources meaningfully. If you believe you don’t have time to give back, think about the last time you sat down to watch your favorite television show or browsed social media. You decide how to spend your time, so take ownership of the choices you make.

Be specific about your needs, and seek the opportunities you may be missing.

People frequently ask Minkoff if she has time to chat with them about their careers. She turns down such vague requests because it’s impossible to offer meaningful advice to people who ask for generic tips and aren’t specific about their needs. You’re the only one capable of discovering what you need, and you can’t expect others to figure out those needs on your behalf. Try to answer as many of your own questions as you can before reaching out to successful people for help. Do your own research. If your question is common, the public figure from whom you seek help has likely already answered it in a public forum. Once you’ve found answers to general questions, you may discover a bigger, more meaningful question you’d like to ask someone you admire. Be specific when you solicit input. Asking more targeted questions will lead to better answers.

You may find yourself in a tough situation and feel you lack options, or you could face poor options that don’t serve your needs. When Minkoff first moved to New York, before her career took off, she faced a tough choice: She could rent a cool apartment that exceeded her budget or move back home to live rent-free in her childhood bedroom in Florida. She eked out a third option for herself, although it wasn’t instantly apparent: She found a cheaper, less-glamorous apartment on the Lower East Side and started a side hustle working as a stylist on commercials. Search for flexible, creative solutions to your problems that may not be immediately obvious.

Conquer your fears. Take risks and venture into the unknown.

Examine your fears and anxieties, and try to understand what they can teach you about yourself. If you discover your fears are suppressing your full potential, cast them aside. If something you try fails, don’t engage in negative self-talk. Acknowledge the reality of your situation, remove the emotion from it and don’t be afraid to walk away. Avoid wasting your time agonizing about why things didn’t pan out exactly as you’d hoped. Seize opportunities to pivot and forge a new path for yourself.

“Fear is not calling the shots. It’s not in control. You are. You don’t have to listen to it. You don’t have to let it stop you.”

Fear isn’t always a negative emotion. It can help you avoid disaster, navigate dangerous situations and increase your awareness of the world around you. Fear becomes negative only when it stands between you and your dreams. You can overcome this kind of fear and develop the courage to live life on your own terms. Though it can feel overwhelming, your fear doesn’t actually control you. You’re the one who ultimately decides what course of action to take. Overcoming your fear doesn’t mean eliminating it; it means learning to take purposeful action while facing it.

Try something new. You have no guarantees that your ventures will work out, but by taking a chance, you might just reach your desired outcome or generate new ideas for solving a problem you face.

Cultivate strong working relationships, and stay aligned with deep communication.

You can’t have productive working relationships without clear communication. When you communicate in a confusing manner, your outcomes will be sloppy. When you talk to your team, take time to make sure everyone understands the message you wish to convey. Minkoff often stops during meetings and scans for people nodding their heads. If your company is new, prepare yourself for an adjustment period of trial and error. Women often struggle to embrace directness and clarity at work, because people expect them to project positivity at all times. This can muddy your message when you face a problem. Honest feedback can propel your projects forward and bring new perspectives.

Try to understand others’ triggers, and don’t dismiss their concerns, even if those issues seem trivial to you. Articulate your weaknesses so that others understand your shortcomings, as well as your strengths. Delineate your own boundaries and respect other people’s. For example, some may find constant communication disruptive.

Effective communication requires more than just clarity and understanding. To cultivate close relationships, you must display vulnerability. If you want to have a long-term relationship with a friend, colleague or partner, you’ll need to engage in deep conversations that evolve with your relationship. View your conversations as investments in the partnerships you’re nurturing.

Flip your perspective about change, and tune into your intuition.

Be wary of becoming too attached to your ideas; sometimes you’re going to have to expand them or change your approach. Don’t take opportunities for improvement as a sign that your original idea is bad; view them as indications that you’re growing and are moving in the right direction.

If you listen to your gut when making choices, you will less likely regret them. Swap any negative self-talk with positive thoughts. Tell yourself, for example, that you are the best person to make decisions for your business, because you know it better than anyone else. Imposter syndrome can trigger the belief that you aren’t the best-qualified person to make the tough choices in your life. Don’t allow decision fatigue to paralyze you.

“Negative thinking gets the better of all of us sometimes…I ring the alarm when a negative thought creeps in, and I reinforce the opposite.”

Remind yourself that you occupy your current role because you belong there. While some situations warrant expert advice – for instance, if numbers don’t come easily to you, seek out a financial expert – synthesize any information you gather and, ultimately, make your own decisions.

Be accessible to a broad audience, and don’t rush yourself or take shortcuts.

You might think that cultivating brand desirability is inherently tied to exclusivity, but overpricing your product or service, or making your offerings scarce in order to create a cachet of luxury and prestige won’t help you.

“Playing hard to get is overrated…If it feels like an old way of thinking, that’s because it is…Inclusivity is the new exclusivity.”

For example, when Minkoff decided to reduce the price of her bags to get them onto the arms of more customers than would be possible if she kept the price on the high-end of the luxury purse spectrum, her sales increased 548%.

Skimping on details to work faster is unlikely to yield the results you want. For example, you might decide to use a template to get a website up and running quickly, but then you could wind up having to rebuild your site because you don’t get the result you’d envisioned. Cutting corners rarely reaps dividends. Accept that the results you seek require good, quality work, which takes time.

Stop imitating others. Give yourself freedom to experiment.

You may feel tempted to mimic someone else’s strategy and process, but it’s best to discover your own. While finding inspiration in others’ work is natural, being your own director is important. Relish the fact that nobody can replicate your work from a place of authenticity, or in the same singular way that you can.

If you simply follow others’ templates for success, you’ll imitate their results, wins and mistakes. Each industry has its own rules and methodologies, created by the successful people who came before you. If you wish to create something new, you must be a pioneer and an innovator. Dare to fly in the face of what has gone before.

Opt to collaborate rather than compete.

You may be tempted to view others’ wins with envy or jealousy. Women who have a scarcity mind-set due to a historic lack of opportunities may struggle, particularly, with such feelings. But that attitude doesn’t serve you. When you see others successfully doing the work you want to do, cheer them on as an inspiration – a proof of concept. Collaborate with other women you admire to achieve meaningful change. Collectively you are greater than the sum of your individual parts.

Prioritize self-care, and design a life that works for you.

Often, the best form of self-care is connecting with your passion for purpose-driven work. If you feel burned out, reflect on how you’re spending your energy. What aspects of your job make you feel depleted? Perhaps you have issues with a particular colleague or aren’t keen on a new project. Do you love your job? If not, can you find a more meaningful career?

“Burnout comes from living in a constant state of stress. There is no scented candle in the world that will make that feeling go away.”

Reflect on your work environment and get specific about what triggers feelings of burnout. If external factors – such as, say, caring for an aging parent – are causing burnout, find ways to address those issues.

The term “work-life balance” implies a separation between your private and professional lives. But separating those two worlds simply doesn’t work for many people. One realm constantly leaks into the other, and vice versa. Instead, design your life with a broader picture of what makes you feel happy and fulfilled in mind. By taking this approach, you can enjoy your life, overall, even when you face unexpected circumstances that disrupt your sense of balance. Design a life that serves your individual needs. Your approach to navigating your life may shift over time. Accept that you can’t be everything to everyone at all times (working mothers, in particular, often must navigate this minefield), and strive for flexibility, accepting support where possible.

Treat failure as a learning opportunity, and recognize that your goals will keep evolving.

You might fail to reach your desired outcomes just as often as you succeed. Try to take a measured approach to failure: Don’t fall apart or react with shock. Instead, acknowledge what didn’t work and move forward. Treat your failures as learning opportunities, then try again with a positive attitude.

Acknowledge that you’ll never achieve all you want to achieve because your dreams keep evolving along with you. Just as you have endless possibilities, the journey you take toward realizing your purpose is also endless.

About the Author

Rebecca Minkoff founded an affordable luxury fashion label in 2001. She hosts Superwomen, a weekly podcast, and is a co-founder of the Female Founder Collective, an organization that connects women business leaders across industries.

Video & Podcast

The Book of Gutsy Women, Favorite Stories of Courage and Resilience by Hillary Rodham Clinton and Chelsea Clinton

Recommendation

Hillary Rodham Clinton and Chelsea Clinton continue in print their decades-long conversation about strong, capable and brave women, both well known and unknown. The women and girls profiled made a difference in their communities and pioneered future opportunities for all women. An encyclopedic catalog of trailblazing women, this bestseller – which both authors acknowledge is far from comprehensive – will educate, inspire and entertain readers with its empowering overview of what women can achieve.

Take-Aways

• Dorothy Rodham, Hillary Clinton’s mother and first role model, was like the typical 1950s TV mom.
• Margaret Chase Smith was a groundbreaking member of Congress.
• Fifty-eight percent of the women who served in the 116th Congress had been Girl Scouts.
• Title IX legislation, which guarantees that girls have equal opportunities in education, enabled the careers of superstar female athletes.
• Fearless female adventurers were often the first women in their fields.
• Many women who became well known worked for years in obscurity.
• Girls and women hold political positions that reverberate around the world.
• Women banding together over time have accomplished more than any one woman could.
• Women developed new perspectives on old problems, thus changing minds and the world.

The Book of Gutsy Women Book Summary

Dorothy Rodham, Hillary Clinton’s mother and first role model, was like the typical 1950s TV mom.

Dorothy Rodham encouraged her daughter and wanted her to have choices she didn’t have. Clinton’s other female role models were fictional, like reporter Brenda Starr and Jo March from Little Women. Nancy Drew inspired both Hillary and Chelsea Clinton. Their heroes include Harriet Tubman, Helen Keller, dancer Isadora Duncan and Maria von Trapp, whose story inspired The Sound of Music. But history is full of unsung “gutsy” women. You’ve heard of Joan of Arc, but have you ever read about her mother Isabelle Romée? She worked for decades to rescue her daughter’s reputation and reverse the Catholic Church’s charge that Joan was guilty of heresy.

Margaret Chase Smith was a groundbreaking member of Congress.

Margaret Chase Smith’s husband – Clyde Harold Smith – was a Republican congressman. When he fell sick during his first term, she took over his duties, then campaigned for his re-election in 1938. In 1940, he urged his supporters to back his wife. After he died, Margaret Chase Smith won the seat in a special election to become Maine’s first congresswoman. She faced a tough primary, and the local paper declared that her gender disqualified her. She won anyway.

“Smith “was a quiet and steadfast champion of policies advancing women’s rights, equality and dignity; I think she was a feminist without claiming the label.”

When Smith ran for Senate, the Maine Republican Party opposed her. Opponents called her a communist for supporting the United Nations and the New Deal. But she won decisively. She was the first senator to speak out against Joseph McCarthy. In 1964, Smith launched her campaign for the presidency, the first woman to try seek a major party nomination. Other groundbreaking US women politicians include presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm, vice-presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro (the first from a major party), Bella Abzug and Virginia House of Delegates member Danica Roem.

Fifty-eight percent of the women who served in the 116th Congress had been Girl Scouts.

Juliette Gordon Low was born in Georgia in 1860. Lord Robert Baden-Powell, who founded the Boy Scouts, inspired Low to start the Girl Scouts. She and her cousin began with a troop of 18 girls in Savannah. As the organization grew, it championed practical knowledge under the motto “Be Prepared.” Low pushed for educating girls and giving them leadership training and financial literacy. Girl Scouts supported the US Army in World War I as volunteer ambulance drivers and nurses’ aides. They sold cookies during the war years. Their program is the largest “girl-led business” worldwide, selling 200 million boxes of cookies annually. Barbara Walters, Serena and Venus Williams, and Madeleine Albright were all Girl Scouts, as were 59 million of today’s American women. Engineer Sylvia Acevedo, current CEO of the Girl Scouts, created new badge programs for the sciences and other fields that men have traditionally dominated. 

Title IX legislation, which guarantees that girls have equal opportunities in education, enabled the careers of superstar female athletes.

After the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor in 1941, police interrogated Patsy Mink’s father, a Japanese-American engineer in Hawaii. Every medical school she applied to rejected Mink because of her gender, despite her stellar grades. She applied to law school, and the University of Chicago accepted her by labeling her an international student, though Hawaii was then a US territory. When she returned home to Hawaii, she fought to take the bar exam. Firms wouldn’t hire her because she was a wife and mother, so she opened her own law practice. She won a US House seat representing Hawaii in 1964.

Bernice “Bunny” Sandler studied sex discrimination. She found that women often had to meet higher standards than men – or gained admission to college only if the school had a quota for women, no matter their qualifications. Sandler discovered that it was unlawful for organizations – including universities – to discriminate on the basis of gender if they accepted money from the federal government. So she filed a class action suit in 1970 against universities. She enlisted Oregon representative Edith Green, an education advocate, who held Congressional hearings on the matter. Green and Mink drafted the legislation for Title IX, which guaranteed equal opportunities in education regardless of gender. Congress passed it, and President Richard Nixon signed it into law in 1972.

“Nearly 50 years later, Title IX has transformed educational opportunities for generations of women and girls.

In 1973, the world watched mesmerized as tennis stars Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs played their historical “Battle of the Sexes” match. King knew it was important to women that she win, and she did. She was afraid that a loss would undermine Title IX and harm the women’s movement. Later, King came out as a lesbian and a champion of LGBTQ rights and equal rights for female athletes.

Title IX boosted the participation of girls in secondary school sports more than 900%. International athletes train in the United States and return home to elevate sports in their countries. Only 700 girls participated in soccer programs before Title IX. Now, more than 390,000 play, paving the way for the championship US women’s soccer team. Despite winning the World Cup several times, US women’s team members still earned just $250,000 in prize money in comparison with their male counterparts – who, if they had won, would have earned $1.1 million each.

Fearless female adventurers were often the first women in their fields.

Margaret Bourke-White was the first American female war correspondent. She began working as a photographer for an architectural firm after graduating from college. She gained fame for her stunning industrial pictures. She worked for Fortune and became the first foreign photojournalist to photograph the Soviet Union in 1930.

Her husband, journalist Erskine Caldwell, joined her in Europe, where Bourke-White documented rising Nazism. As the US entered World War II, she took a job with a New York newspaper. Caldwell wanted to start a family, but Bourke-White didn’t want to give up her career, and she found little support for working and raising children. She went back to Europe, and their marriage ended. Her assignments took her to combat zones and concentration camps. She photographed Gandhi’s struggle in India and South African apartheid. She published 11 collections of photographs.

“Sally Ride and “her fellow would-be astronauts practiced jumping out of planes with parachutes and surviving in open water.”   ”

Around the time that eighth-grader Hillary Rodham got a rejection letter from NASA saying the space program didn’t accept women, Sally Ride was growing up in Encino, California. She was interested in space, but dropped out of college to become a tennis player. She later studied physics at Stanford University and earned her PhD. She won a place in the space shuttle program in 1978, one of 35 astronauts, including six women, that the program accepted from more than 8,000 candidates. Ride piloted jets. She trained for five years, and gained a spot on the Challenger crew for a mission in 1983. She was the first American woman in space. After her career at NASA, she founded the Sally Ride Science organization to develop science programs for schools. Following her death in 2012, the Navy named a research ship for her. Since Ride, 50 American women have traveled to space. 

Many women who became well known worked for years in obscurity. 

Rosa Parks became known as a civil rights activist in 1955 when she refused to give up her seat on a segregated Montgomery, Alabama, bus to a white passenger, leading to her arrest. Parks trained for years as an activist and was well-versed in black history, nonviolent action and organizing. She served as secretary of the Montgomery chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). Through the years, Parks pushed for antilynching bills and voter rights protection in the days of arbitrary tests and poll taxes in the South. She persevered until she was able to vote. By 1955, she’d had enough of discrimination. The Montgomery’s Women’s Political Council called for a bus strike the day Parks went to court, and it maintained the strike for nearly a year.

Dolores Huerta is less well known than Cesar Chavez, the leader with whom she co-founded the United Farm Workers Union (UFW) in 1962. While he was the face of the farm workers’ movement, she worked behind the scenes organizing rallies and lobbying for legal protections for workers. Migrant farm workers, usually Latino and Asian, faced abuse and financial hardship. The UFW led fruit and vegetable boycotts, and won stronger contracts with farm owners and vineyards.

“In media interviews, “Chavez was asked about his leadership of the organization…Dolores was asked about motherhood and whether she ever wanted to take a day off and go to a spa!”

Huerta and the UFW got California to pass a law allowing farm workers to unionize and negotiate collectively. Huerta spoke out against the health threats of pesticides. She protested many times over the years, leading to her being arrested 22 times. While she was peacefully protesting against Vice President George H.W. Bush, the San Francisco police beat Huerta so severely she had to have emergency surgery. She won a large settlement, which funded her work and the union. Huerta created the UFW motto “Sí, se puede” – “Yes, we can” – which Barack Obama used in his 2008 presidential campaign. He thanked her for her inspiration when he awarded Huerta the Medal of Freedom in 2012.

Girls and women hold political positions that reverberate around the world.

Malala Yousafzai has advocated for girls’ education in Pakistan since she was 11 years old, when she chastised the Taliban for shutting down girls’ schools. The Taliban stormed her school bus and shot her when she was 15. She was still recovering at age 16 when she spoke at the United Nations to promote girls’ education. Her Malala Fund supports education for girls worldwide.

“Greta Thunberg “couldn’t understand why everyone around her – from classmates to world leaders – wasn’t similarly fixated on confronting this global emergency.”

Greta Thunberg started to raise awareness about the climate emergency in 2018, at age 15. She went on strike from school. She found inspiration from the shooting survivors of Florida’s Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, and the gun reform movement they started. Thunberg protested alone in front of the building where the Swedish legislature meets – continuing her strike on Fridays, with other students joining her. Her #FridaysForFuture protest has grown worldwide. Thunberg is open about her Asperger’s syndrome, a type of autism, and claims it’s given her singular focus.

Women banding together over time have accomplished more than any one woman could.

Journalist and anti-lynching advocate Ida B. Wells was a suffragette and campaigned for US women’s right to vote. She joined the 1913 Women’s Suffrage Parade with her sorority, but grew angry when she learned the white women who organized the parade relegated black women to the back of the march. She marched at the front with other women from Chicago.

“In 1900, in the face of rising white supremacy within the suffrage movement, [Terrell] reiterated her commitment to suffrage for all women.”

African-American suffragettes took leadership roles, including Anna Julia Haywood Cooper, who spoke at black women’s clubs to persuade members to fight for suffrage. She and Mary Church Terrell taught at the same school. Like Cooper, Terrell believed black and white women had to join together to ensure women’s voting rights. With luminaries who included Wells, Harriet Tubman and poet Frances E.W. Harper, Terrell organized and became the first president of the National Association of Colored Women’s Clubs. These women advocated for equality and fought racism. Wells later co-founded the NAACP. While women won the vote in 1920, the US Senate did not pass antilynching legislation until December 2018.

Women developed new perspectives on old problems, thus changing minds and the world.

Biologist and educator Wangari Maathai began her Green Belt Movement in Kenya to reforest the country and lift people out of poverty. The government targeted her for assassination as a prodemocracy leader. She suffered a vicious beating during a public hunger strike. For leading the Green Belt Movement, which spread throughout Africa and worldwide, in 2004 Maathai became the first African woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Her movement planted 50 million trees by the time of her death in 2011, and her daughter Wanjira Mathai continues her work.

“Eleanor Roosevelt “stood up against racism, advocated for the trade union movement, worked to alleviate poverty and create jobs.”

Franklin Delano Roosevelt contracted polio in 1921, and Eleanor Roosevelt took charge of his care. Despite his polio and the opposition of her mother-in-law, Eleanor Roosevelt encouraged her husband’s political ambitions. After FDR’s death, Roosevelt represented the United States in the United Nations, where she spent seven years as ambassador. Roosevelt chaired the UN Human Rights Committee and built consensus for the universal declaration of human rights (UDHR), a visionary codification of “social, economic, cultural, civil and political rights.”

About the Authors

Hillary Rodham Clinton served as first lady, senator from New York and US secretary of state. She became the first woman to win her political party’s nomination for president. Her daughter Chelsea Clinton advocates for women and girls through the Clinton Foundation.

Video & Podcast

Dear Madam President, An Open Letter to the Women Who Will Run the World by Jennifer Palmieri

Recommendation

Political insider Jennifer Palmieri offers a moving tribute to leaders she’s learned from and admired in this poignant insider memoir of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. Palmieri writes in the form of an open letter offering advice to the first woman who becomes president of the United States in the future, whoever she may be. Palmieri was Clinton’s communications director and had a front row seat to the unique craziness of the 2016 election season. She draws her eclectic – and, fair warning, partisan – memories around processing her sense of loss and considering what it means to survive and thrive in politics as a woman.

Take-Aways

• “When the unimaginable happens, imagine what else may be possible.”
• “Brace yourself: Nothing draws fire like a woman moving forward.”
• “Speak up – your voice is needed.”
• “It’s your world and you can cry if you want to.”
• “Keep your head (and your heart) during a storm. You need both to steer the ship to safety.”
• “Show us what you have been through. It tells us what we can survive.”
• “Don’t search for your role in his story – write your own.”
• “Even when you lose, refuse to be defeated.”
• “We are bound together. Now we need to unite.”

Dear Madam President Summary

“When the unimaginable happens, imagine what else may be possible.”

Jennifer Palmieri felt devastated the day after the November 2016 presidential election. It wasn’t just losing, and it wasn’t coming to a stop after months of continuous movement. Palmieri had to deal with her sister, Dana, who lay sick and dying in Houston.

“She could feel what was happening, all the forces – seen and unseen, cosmic and earthly – that were lining up against her.”

Palmieri had joined Hillary Clinton’s presidential election campaign after being part of the White House communications team for President Bill Clinton and President Barack Obama. Post-election, she took a break from politics. She felt let down by the rules she and other women had always played by. Today, women play by their own rules and win.

“Brace yourself: Nothing draws fire like a woman moving forward.”

Palmieri disliked people lauding Clinton as a “gracious loser,” rather than as a woman ambitious enough to run for president. Palmieri had thought Americans could elect a woman, especially one so qualified. Clinton tried to warn her.

The women’s movement is relatively young. Clinton’s mother was born the day Congress gave women the right to vote. Misogyny was the biggest obstacle to Clinton’s election. Decades of political attacks against her and her husband hurt, but “pervasive gender bias” motivated those who passionately hated Clinton.The Secret Service uses the phrase “move forward, draw fire” when that’s the only option for handling internal disagreement. The phrase was apt for campaign staffers, and for Clinton as well. When a woman moves forward, she draws fire. Clinton broke barriers, blazed her own trail and confounded people because they couldn’t compare her to anyone else. Future women presidents should expect similar or worse attacks. 

“Our culture still tends to characterize ambitious women as pushy, conniving and selfish. This is not unique to politics – it’s true for women in any walk of life.”

The press never trusted an intelligent, capable woman in a powerful position. People would say, “There’s something about her I just don’t like.” Congress called Clinton to testify, and a foreign power actively targeted her candidacy. Republican nominee Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Julian Assange and James Comey piled on in unprecedented ways. Yet despite sexual assault allegations against Trump, who yelled “lock her up” at rallies and declared he wouldn’t accept the election results if Clinton won, many voters supported him. One reason was that Clinton posed an “existential threat” to patriarchal norms.

“Speak up – your voice is needed.”

While on Obama’s staff, Palmieri spent time in the Oval Office, 10 Downing Street, the Kremlin and Tokyo’s Imperial Palace. Obama kept stress levels low in meetings and encouraged people to speak honestly. Still, as his deputy communications director, Palmieri realized the first time she was in a room with the president that she would have to up her game.

“If you act like you belong in the room, people will believe you do. If you act like your opinion matters, others will, too.”

Other people may be better than you, but they’re not that much better. You’re the one in the room. Do your job.

“It’s your world and you can cry if you want to.”

Clinton’s staff adopted a stoic nod to acknowledge painful information. Such stoicism is how women succeed in a male-dominated world. It proves they’re tough and suits their “sense of duty.” Women try to be superwomen, no matter the costs, because that’s what society expects, and it’s what they expect of themselves.

“There’s something else in the nod from a woman. An acquiescence. A need for approval. If this is the hoop, I will jump through it.”

Men built the professional world and find comfort within it. Women once adopted men’s rules to try to fit in, but the world belongs to women now, too. Women must update the rules of the game to empower themselves. They should “nod less and cry more.” Tears demonstrate powerful emotion. Why mute that? 

After the election, Palmieri had to describe the campaign in a public forum. She planned to be professionally neutral, but when she shared her opinion that the opposing campaign had used race-baiting to divide the country, tears came to her eyes, and her voice wavered. Later, she decided she didn’t care. She had said what she wanted to say. Think of all the good and true things people don’t say because they fear saying it with too much emotion. What a waste. Staffers called Palmieri’s office “the crying room,” a place people could come and cry without anyone judging them. Women can be emotional and still strong.

“Keep your head (and your heart) during a storm. You need both to steer the ship to safety.”

In times of crisis, leaders need to stay calm and focus their teams on solutions. From the leadership examples of the Clintons and Obama, Palmieri learned how important heart can be in times of crisis. When the HealthCare.gov website didn’t work, it damaged the President Obama’s standing and his signature legislative achievement. He told the press office team he expected them to try improve the news coverage, but he knew and wanted them to know that the stories weren’t going to improve until the site worked. Obama’s ability to see the problem clearly was an enormous relief to his staff.

When the court acquitted George Zimmerman, the Florida man who killed unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, the verdict caused pain and anger, especially for African-Americans. The country needed to hear from the president. The press office sought a worthy venue for his message to the African-American community. Obama felt he needed to speak not to them but for them, as a black man. He knew he could have been Trayvon Martin at 17.

“No pollster would have advised him to make a speech like that, but it was something all of the country needed to hear.”

When the FBI reopened the case about Hillary Clinton’s email just days before the election, she responded by discussing the charges daily with the press and at her rallies. Her staff convinced Clinton that she didn’t need to talk about it – she’d already said everything there was to say. Better to stick to the big issues, they advised. That’s what Clinton did, but it left her uneasy, and it turned out to be a mistake. Clinton had a sense of what the country wanted to hear from her but, against her better judgment, didn’t say it.

“Show us what you have been through. It tells us what we can survive.”

Being president ages everyone. The future first woman president will pay the “pink tax,” the extra hour women require to do their makeup and hair. Her face will acquire wrinkles and “battle scars,” which will comfort other women because she survived.

“You, more than all the men who preceded you, will be judged on your appearance and how attractive you are.”

Palmieri took a picture of herself on her 50th birthday, the last day she saw her sister before her death. Palmieri felt like hell, and had been through hell. Her face showed it. She hopes the meaning and blessings she acquired on the journey show as well.

“Don’t search for your role in his story – write your own.”

Nobody wrote women into the history books, but women were present as history was made. The US Declaration of Independence and the Constitution don’t mention women. Imagine what the world would be like if women had equal say in politics and culture. Women don’t grow up reading about women making history, so they believe their stories are unimportant. Even Hillary Clinton didn’t think she had an interesting life story. She grew up comfortably middle class. She graduated from college and law school and then met Bill Clinton – and “the rest is his story.” His personal history of rising from a small town in Arkansas to the presidency inspired Americans. Obama’s story reflected the American ideal that a black man could become president.

“It’s not enough for your life to be hard – it has to make sense to us, we have to recognize the struggle, it has to tell us a larger story we want told about America.”

Hillary Clinton was making history, so it was hard to appreciate her story as it unfolded. She decided to emphasize her alignment with Democratic presidents of the past, like Franklin Roosevelt, who took on and solved big problems. Unfortunately, many people didn’t want to hear her. She had to be passionate, but she couldn’t shout. She had to look strong, but also show vulnerability, and people said her voice was “shrill.” After she wrote her post-campaign book What Happened, people listened to Clinton. Many lamented that “this Hillary” wasn’t the one who ran for president. But she was always the same person. Now Clinton’s struggles are a part of history. Her lessons will help the woman who finally becomes president.

“Even when you lose, refuse to be defeated.”

People have been trying to run Hillary Clinton off the national stage for years. When Steve Bannon announced a “scorched Earth” of relentless attacks against her, Clinton’s campaign understood that Trump’s goal was to deflate voter enthusiasm and demoralize the campaign. With the Benghazi hearings, WikiLeaks, a tough primary and the FBI investigation, Palmieri reminded fellow staffers of the frustration Republicans must feel when they couldn’t take Clinton down. She lost the race in the Electoral College, despite leading the popular vote by three million, but she never felt defeated.

“Hillary never cowered in the face of attacks or failed to call out hate. And after she lost, she refused to stop fighting for the issues and people she cared about.”

During tough times, Clinton focuses on what she needed to accomplish that day. She has plenty of fortitude. And when life handed her a loss, Clinton mourned it and found a way to move forward.

“We are bound together. Now we need to unite.”

The 2016 election was a reckoning for the United States. It reflected deep divisions that had built up over decades.

“It wasn’t going to be simply a ‘change election’ or a referendum on Obama or even an election about the economy. It was about what kind of country we are going to be.”

One Friday in June 2015, Palmieri felt that real change was happening. The Supreme Court affirmed the Affordable Care Act and gay marriage. After a white racist murdered nine black parishioners at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, SC progress seemed to be underway to remove the Confederate flag from South Carolina’s capitol. That morning, Obama sang “Amazing Grace” at the service for the people killed at Mother Emanuel.

However, Trump’s announcement for president weeks earlier had cited a country in decline. His words resonated with many voters. Bill and Hillary Clinton saw deep disaffection within the electorate, and it unsettled them. They’d never experienced hopelessness and anger from voters. They asked people on the campaign to read Eric Hoffer’s The True Believer, about the rise of authoritarian leaders. 

People’s frustrations don’t come out during a crisis. They come out later. The United States was reacting to 15 years of tumultuous change, including the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, war, recession, growing economic inequality, demographic change, digital transitions and climate change. What unifies Americans in times of division is the belief that the country can be better. The pain one group feels spills over, and everyone feels it. Based on the understanding that they are bound together as Americans, people can choose to unite. The president must be everyone’s president, listen to divergent concerns, and include everybody. It’s the right kind of job for a woman.

“Don’t wait for permission or an invitation or expect to find your place in someone else’s story. Jump into whatever it is you want to do.”

Celebrate your age, experience and viewpoint. Understand that men should treat you as an equal, but if they don’t, ignore them. Women have intelligence and ability. They need to imagine better possibilities, including being president of the United States.

About the Author

Jennifer Palmieri directed communications for the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign in 2016 and worked as President Barack Obama’s communications director.

Video & Podcast

The Adventures of Women in Tech, How We Got Here and Why We Stay by Alana Karen

Recommendation

Hear the voices of women recount their stories of triumph, and, alas, frustration, as they navigate their technology careers. Alana Karen, a director of search platforms at Google, recounts how women succeed in tech careers and why they stay despite the myriad challenges the industry presents, including an inhospitable work culture, persistent pay inequity, and the daily demands of balancing work and home responsibilities. Karen surmises that resolving these issues will require the collective effort of tech companies and women in senior roles to foster inclusivity and improve overall diversity.

Take-Aways

• Careers in technology offer women opportunities to immerse themselves in innovative and fast-paced work cultures.
• Alas, women are often hesitant to promote themselves and their successes at work.
• Women in tech feel the onus is on them to pave the way for future generations.
• To initiate change, women must help others to improve diversity and ensure respect in the workplace.
• The concept of “having it all” remains beyond reach for many.
• Women in tech frequently encounter the need to prove themselves in a male-dominated work culture.
• To ensure a balance between work and home life, women in tech must set boundaries.

The Adventures of Women in Tech Book Summary

Careers in technology offer women opportunities to immerse themselves in innovative and fast-paced work cultures.

Despite headlines to the contrary, the technology industry is a diverse workplace; male and female employees hail from a variety of cultures, socioeconomic backgrounds, and work and educational experiences.

Some women employed in the IT sector opted for technology careers from an early age, while others explore other avenues before landing there. Consider, for example, the paths these women followed toward their careers in tech: Wendy Zenone transitioned from public relations to information security and software engineering. Bethanie Baynes worked in photography and early on saw the opportunities that technology offered artists. Marily Nika knew from age 10 she wanted a career in IT. Ashley Sun aimed for medicine in college before switching to computer science. Annie Lange earned a PhD in poetry, and now works as an engineering manager. Kris Politopoulos moved from accounting to engineering operations.

“We need so much diversity in tech to build great products and services for the world.”

A rich diversity of backgrounds and perspectives creates an innovative and productive work environment and produces favorable economic results. In fact, research shows that companies with more racial and gender diversity outperform their competitors, and teams with higher numbers of women experiment more and generate more creative ideas.

Nevertheless, a lack of diversity remains problematic in technology companies – not only when it comes to hiring women and minorities but in terms of retaining them as well. If technology organizations don’t elevate their efforts toward inclusion, they risk losing the diversity they have already established.

The women who choose careers in technology, and stay despite its challenges and pitfalls, share common traits. These women revel in the fast pace and constant change that the industry brings. They embrace the opportunity to shape the present world, as well as the chance to expand the role of women in technology for future generations. They enjoy the “open, honest and intellectual” culture that permeates the sector. Moreover, they appreciate the flexibility and the financial security that tech offers.

Alas, women are often hesitant to promote themselves and their successes at work.

When women in tech describe themselves, they often struggle to define their responsibilities; some find it difficult to separate their work and home life, and others downplay their strengths and achievements.

A Yale University study identified the source of this hesitancy: Society expects women to be humble. People often judge women who speak confidently about their accomplishments to be braggers and, thus, find them less likable. Other studies confirm that, when rating their own abilities or speaking of their successes, women exhibit less confidence than men. Women instead describe themselves as curious, driven, hard-working and energetic – terms with definitively positive, yet humble, vibes. Moreover, women tend to ascribe their personal successes to team efforts instead of taking the plaudits. This aversion to self-promotion leads to fewer promotions and diminished earning potential.

“How can we be successful if at the root of everything we do, we don’t think or feel that we belong; if every time we have an idea, we wonder if it’s our place to speak up; if every time we disagree, we fear the downsides of sharing our thoughts? That adds up, and ultimately means we either don’t act like ourselves or our jobs jail us without leveraging all our talents.”

Women also bring what some see as more feminine personas to their jobs – empathy, caring, flexibility – as well as a focus on people and relationships. Such characteristics are essential in the tech world. One tech employee, for example, uses her ability to connect with others as an opportunity to inspire software engineers with necessary perspectives.

One study found that roughly 40% of women don’t set specific career goals for themselves. Another study found that women prefer to set more generic life goals instead – for example, to become more organized, or to find a romantic partner. Few cite power as their objective. Women’s goals tend to change over time, too – sometimes as a result of having children, and other times due to work pressures, hostile corporate cultures or a need to perform to higher standards than men. One tech employee, Adrienne, found that in her 20s, she aimed to be a leader, but as she matured, she refocused her sights on personal growth and learning. Other women feel compelled to stay passionate and challenged by their work; to use their influence to impact their work, home and community lives; or to find happiness and a balance between work and home. And some women lack a career blueprint, preferring to work out what they want – and what they don’t want – as they go along.

Women in tech feel the onus is on them to pave the way for future generations.

Some sectors in technology – such as human resources, customer service or marketing – boast a greater share of women than others. But in more technical disciplines, women present in smaller numbers, which some feel puts pressure on them to work for better representation in the future.

“Part of building relationships is to help people know you better, so you aren’t deemed a ladder climber if you’re ambitious.”

Assumptions persist, even in technology companies, that men innately outperform women in STEM fields – science, technology, engineering and mathematics. Some wonder, too, if certain behavioral norms for men, such as being direct in meetings, receive more scrutiny when performed by women. Those currently working in technology hope to counter these views by embracing high-visibility roles and working to increase diversity within their organizations.

Women share the additional burden of conflicting workplace standards: Be nice, but not too nice. Dress professionally, but not fancy. Deliver results but don’t be aggressive. Indeed, women must navigate different paths for success than men. Some women reject the idea of likability and aim for respect instead, while others view their likability as a necessary element to their effectiveness. The challenge, many admit, lies in striving for a balance between maintaining likability and pursuing career aspirations.

To initiate change, women must help others to improve diversity and ensure respect in the workplace.

Workplaces naturally create competitive tension among employees who aim for management positions. While men compete with one another for positions every day, without ill feelings, for women on the same team, this situation can create a quandary. An unspoken rule persists in some organizations that management limits the number of senior positions available to women. In such circumstances, the instinct to fight for your own survival can lead you to throw the notion of helping other women out of the window. But the fact remains that women need to support one another if they hope to achieve the long-term goal of increasing overall numbers. Only in doing this will they strengthen the opportunities for women in technology.

“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help women.” (Madeleine Albright)

Some women suggest that male bosses manage them more transparently and truthfully than female bosses. Diane, for example, found her female boss inconsistent in her support, and Beam, wishes her female director had endorsed her during a reorganization. This, in turn, makes Beam less likely to trust female bosses and more likely to seek out male bosses. To increase overall numbers, women need to respect one another, be honest with one another and realize that only in encouraging one another will women advance based on their merits.

The concept of “having it all” remains beyond reach for many.

Statistics show that 41% of mothers are the sole or primary earners in the family. At the same time, most also shoulder the majority of home and child care responsibilities. Unsurprisingly, women gravitate toward topics of well-being and balance when speaking about their work and home lives. Many struggle, for example, to focus on both their careers and their families, and they often feel that motherhood erects barriers to success – either from not having the time to devote to their careers or from dealing with others’ negative perceptions and discrimination in the workplace.

“I have decided that my concept of ‘having it all’ is really over my lifetime. That I don’t expect to be able to have it all now and certainly not ever in a perfect way. I will be deliberate and think of my life in phases.”

Technology companies offer greater flexibility than most organizations, and many women leverage that advantage to dedicate more time to work and family. Alas, because they can work from anywhere, work can then permeate their home lives, and women struggle to transition cleanly from work to family. Christine acknowledges that tech jobs often require after-hours work due to launch deadlines and the need to be accessible 24/7. Frances, meanwhile, feels both her work and home life need more of her time and attention than she can possibly give. Bethanie argues, however, that rather than “having it all,” women need to accept that they must prioritize the tasks that are most important to them.

Women in tech frequently encounter the need to prove themselves in a male-dominated work culture.

Men typically outnumber women in the technology sector, and women often face questions about their abilities or perceptions that they rank below their male peers. Take the following approaches to thrive in the face of such challenges:

1. Become resilient – Rely on your abilities to push through adversity and persevere, even when you doubt yourself. Alex, for example, learned to stay confident in her developer role by collaborating with others – though she admits that some people still question her abilities. Others, like Carrie and Rachel, believe that ignoring signs of unfairness or bias gives them the edge they need. Many women opt to rely on their internal optimism, agreeing that negative attitudes diminish their influence and respect.
2. Promote yourself – Too much humility hinders your career growth, yet women struggle with the negative perceptions and external resistance associated with self-promotion. You must actively promote your talents; don’t rely solely on your work to speak for you. Speak up at meetings. Work on your presentation skills, and hone soft skills, such as leadership and management.
3. Ask instead of making assumptions – Don’t refrain from asking for assignments, promotions or greater responsibility. Studies show that women are more reluctant than men to apply for “stretch” positions – that is, roles where they don’t meet all the qualifications. Learning to ask for what you need – be it for a referral or for help on a project – contributes to both on-the-job training and self-promotion.
4. Find support – If you feel isolated in your technology career, try networking with co-workers, enrolling in training programs and attending conferences for support. Moreover, focus on finding the right fit with a boss and an organizational culture.
5. Foster confidence – Empowering women helps a country’s overall economy, and recognizing and embracing the talent women bring while reducing pay inequities benefits everyone. Boost your self-image by recognizing your strengths, asserting yourself and saying no when necessary.

To ensure a balance between work and home life, women in tech must set boundaries.

Technology careers demand time and energy, and learning to say no to working longer hours proves challenging, since responsibilities don’t disappear at day’s end. On any given day, women can experience a range of emotions, including insecurity, guilt, optimism and satisfaction. Learn to navigate the peaks and valleys that tech jobs impose by aiming for balance. Focus on positive elements in your day. Take extended leave to gain perspective. Find the right job fit for greater satisfaction. Use your organization’s flexible work policies to carve out more time for family and community activities. And don’t be afraid to reach out to others for help.

“I’m reminded of an old game we played as children…We’d surround one girl who was lying on the ground. We’d place our fingers beneath her and recite, ‘Stiff as a feather, light as a board’ like a meditation prayer. After 30 seconds or so, we’d lift the girl using just our collective fingers. As a child it was magical. But it’s not magic – it’s the collective effort of all of us helping each other, a power we often underestimate. And when we all do it, the load is light. ”

Women cite many reasons for staying in their tech careers. Primary among them is the constant challenge of learning, creating and innovating. Many enjoy the people, the ability to impact communities and the financial security tech jobs provide.But not all women stay; in fact, studies show more than half of women in technology leave mid-career, due, in part, to the male-oriented culture, but also from having few female counterparts in their high-pressure jobs.

Women in tech suggest several strategies to boost retention of women workers within the industry:

• Promote more women to leadership positions.
• Provide greater flexibility to help women bear the dueling responsibilities of home and work.
• Encourage and accept more diverse points of view in the workplace.
• Create a more inclusive, less arrogant culture.

Ultimately, women need to look to mentors to help propel them in their careers, learn to balance work and family life without guilt and anxiety, and find the best culture fit. Furthermore, women in senior positions must pay it forward by recruiting and hiring more women, and by using their status to fight for equal pay.

About the Author

Alana Karen works in product development and innovation in the tech industry. She speaks at conferences on resilience, equity, inclusion and other industry-relevant topics. 

Video & Podcast

Breaking Borders, A Remarkable Story of Adventure, Family, and Career Success That Defied All Expectations by Kate Isler

Recommendation

Microsoft veteran Kate Isler’s saga of perseverance and independence proves that every leader’s career trajectory is unique. From humble origins, Isler went from serving fast food to leading global teams for Microsoft and finding her calling advocating for gender parity. Isler distills her diverse experiences into lessons to inspire leaders, entrepreneurs and other women in business. She demonstrates the importance of relationships, finding work-life balance, trusting your vision and bypassing convention when it stands in your way.

Take-Aways

• Glean incremental lessons and small victories from your experiences.
• Turn to negotiation and self-advocacy to navigate uncertainty.
• Strengthen your leadership style by noting what you respect and disrespect in others.
• Women leaders sometimes must bypass convention and move ahead without a template.
• Parenting and relocating for global career opportunities aren’t mutually exclusive.
• When facing adversity, be kind to yourself, so you can show up for others.
• Everyone struggles with life transitions. Your attitude makes the difference.
• Build a community of women to create necessary cultural change.

Breaking Borders Book Summary

Glean incremental lessons and small victories from your experiences.

Kate Isler began her working life with wildly varied early experiences. Coming from a humble background, she was a hotel switchboard operator, a fast food server and a receptionist. Her later professional experiences included becoming a high-ranking Microsoft executive and founding her own river rafting business in Colorado. Throughout, she learned these important lessons.

• Never underestimate yourself – Find strength within. You can accomplish more than you imagine.
• Don’t fear risks – You might not make millions when you launch your first business, but you’ll gain valuable lessons and accrue small victories that make it worthwhile.
• Embrace honesty – Reflect on what you’re actually able to handle and live with, and stick to your resolutions as you embark on your own path.
• Craft your life vision – Decide what your dream life looks like. Then, commit to realizing that vision.
• Study people – Regardless of what roles you take on, you can always learn new things by paying attention to the people around you.

Don’t spend too much time in a role that feels awkward or doesn’t align with your broader goals. When Isler got her first stable job – as an office receptionist – she wasn’t very good at it, and she knew it wasn’t her future path. 

“Being a receptionist is somewhat like being an appliance. People knew I was there and counted on my work, but most of the time, I was invisible.”

Her boss confessed that Isler’s firing was imminent and suggested that she quit before it happened. This experience taught her to trust her intuition. When a role doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right for you. 

Turn to negotiation and self-advocacy to navigate uncertainty.

Due to her father’s work as a Holiday Inn manager, Isler moved around a lot as a child and often lived in hotel suites. These frequent moves and upheavals helped her fine-tune her interpersonal skills and become adept at relationship building. 

She had to navigate even more uncertainty as an adult, when – having never left North America – she and her husband, Doug Isler, traveled around Southeast Asia as newlyweds. This formative trip taught Isler that she had the personal skills and tools to navigate new contexts and environments. 

“Self-advocating is a life skill that everyone should practice. It is easier said than done in many cases, but you will always feel better if you have represented yourself honestly.”

Isler believes most learning happens when you leave your comfort zone. She experienced this firsthand when she landed a job as an outside salesperson for a Seattle photo lab that was in the midst of an expansion. Isler forged relationships with marketing managers across the city, while creatively identifying new revenue streams. Working in sales taught her negotiation and self-advocacy. In her view, you never need to accept a first offer, because a business transaction always has room for compromise. Negotiating doesn’t need to be an unpleasant, adversarial experience if you approach it as a simple discussion. 

Strengthen your leadership style by noting what you respect and disrespect in others.

When you start a new job, familiarize yourself with its existing power structures and hierarchies. Ask questions to gain clarity. Pay attention to good and bad leadership behavior, so you can replicate what you respect and avoid repeating others’ mistakes as you climb your organization’s career ladder.

A job at a marketing agency – where she worked for a boss whose leadership style she didn’t respect – helped Isler refine her views about leadership. Employees liked the boss, but Isler felt he didn’t lead effectively because he avoided difficult conversations. Leaders cannot dodge addressing issues that have a negative impact on their teams. 

“Microsoft leadership was young, hungry and aggressive. But they understood that people make mistakes and that, if you give them the opportunity, most competent people will recover, repair and learn quickly.”

Isler began her two-decade career at Microsoft in 1989. At the time, its business model called for partnering with IBM to develop and sell coding languages and operating systems to developers. Microsoft constantly reorganized itself as Isler worked her way up into a marketing role in which she managed a small team. 

Building her team to include field marketing, Isler gained two significant insights about managing people. Just as Microsoft’s leaders gave her permission to make mistakes and learn from them, she extended these learning opportunities to her team. Developing authentic relationships helps motivate people to follow you. Therefore, Isler advises, invest time in getting to know your team members.

Women leaders sometimes must bypass convention and move ahead without a template.

Living the life you envision requires overcoming your fear of doing things differently than your predecessors. Women frequently fail to climb the corporate ladder because they focus on their qualifications instead of their attributes. For example, they often don’t recognize the ways they could become valuable corporate assets in roles that require continuous learning.

Isler bucked convention by aspiring to gain a level of success similar to her male colleagues’ positions and by asking to work in the office of one of Microsoft’s global subsidiaries. This took her first to Dubai, and then to Africa, India and the Middle East (AIME), as Microsoft’s regional marketing manager. 

“Women didn’t consider this type of global career as an option. It never occurred to me that I couldn’t do it.”

Sometimes, being willing to do things differently can be a company’s best asset. The male leaders Microsoft partnered with in the Middle East were caught off guard when Isler announced an important change in the company’s business model. These men were nonplussed precisely because Isler was a woman. They weren’t accustomed to negotiating with a female at such a high corporate level. This unexpected wrinkle gave Microsoft a significant edge as it moved toward more competitive pricing.

Parenting and relocating for global career opportunities aren’t mutually exclusive.

The decision to make a career move is an important life choice that requires you to define success on your own terms. Remember that your home isn’t a physical location – home can be wherever your family is. While convention dictates that an American mother ought to raise her family in the United States, Isler took on another opportunity at Microsoft – to work as a regional marketing director in London – although it required her to spend 75% of her time traveling. 

“Home is where the family is, not a location on a map or a building.”

Isler understood that diversity and gender parity give global teams a competitive edge, so she focused on bringing in more female team members and more members from different cultures – people with strategic ideas and different knowledge foundations. Her commitment to diversity and gender parity was pivotal to her team’s success in opening new Microsoft offices, protecting intellectual property, and introducing new versions of Microsoft Office and Windows. 

When facing adversity, be kind to yourself, so you can show up for others.

Sometimes life throws adversity and challenges your way, and you need time to recharge. After gleaning valuable lessons from working abroad, Isler took a job close to home – near Microsoft’s Redmond, Washington, campus – as the international marketing director for Microsoft Press. When the move created difficulties in her marriage, she learned the value of taking time away from her career for self-care and healing. 

Returning to work after a break poses its own challenges. When Isler returned to Microsoft, she no longer occupied a role at her former senior level. She had no direct reports and had to share an office. She faced a choice: She could continue to wallow in frustration or choose to improve her situation. Isler remained positive, and managed to transform her job into something more suitable: a marketing position with Microsoft’s team in Eastern Europe. She pivoted by taking time to connect with her colleagues, working in open collaboration areas instead of hiding in a tiny office, tackling projects that enhanced her visibility and meeting new people. 

“Giving up is not an option! When you know that you are headed in the right direction, and there are detours or obstacles that set you back, look at them as part of the journey and not a reason to abandon the vision.”

When you face adversity, treat yourself with compassion and take time to recover. If you don’t take recovery time, you may fail to show up for the colleagues who depend on you or for your loved ones. You may find yourself in a difficult situation with no easy or fast solution. When this happens, focus on grounding yourself in the present and taking things step by step, one day at a time. 

Trust yourself if something doesn’t feel right, and don’t hesitate to fight for relationships you view as worth saving. Isler convinced her husband to relocate their family to Munich for her new marketing role. She learned to never take those who support her for granted. Isler acknowledges her husband’s bravery in doing things differently and breaking free of conventional gender roles to be a trailing spouse and their children’s primary caregiver.

Everyone struggles with life transitions. Your attitude makes the difference.

As you build your life experiences, you may face many “almosts.” After Isler left Microsoft, she experienced what she perceived as “a year of almosts.” She almost launched a start-up, almost sold her house and almost got an offer for a big job in California. Despite finally getting her college degree, Isler felt unsure how to navigate this new stage in her life. Life transitions aren’t easy for anyone – Isler’s husband suffered, too, since their children had grown up and left their household, and he was no longer sure of his role.

“Life is a series of twists and turns. My success has come through being open to the possibilities and seeking out situations and people that fill my soul.”

When life seems dire, and you feel things couldn’t get any worse, choose to have a positive attitude and tackle your challenges with grace, rather than indulging in negative emotions. When she wasn’t working, Isler combated isolation and depression by staying connected to her network of global contacts. This helped her stay relevant in her field and alert to new opportunities.

Build a community of women to create necessary cultural change.

If you’re a female executive, your connections to other women leaders can be crucial, especially if you work in a male-dominated industry like technology. Isler realized she needed to leave Microsoft when a woman leader she admired left the company, and it replaced her with a man who had little respect for Isler’s experience. Too many women opt out when they face challenges, rather than trying harder to create the life of their dreams. Often, women hold limiting beliefs because their culture conditioned them to constrain their visions. Overcoming these limitations is challenging, but it’s necessary if you want to live life on your terms.

“I have once again reinvented myself. This version of me includes being an author, a motivator and a community builder.”

Isler could have become discouraged searching for a new job, because she encountered many companies with ageist and sexist hiring practices. Instead, she saw an opportunity to reinvent herself. She committed to writing her autobiography and to creating an advocacy campaign, Be Bold Now, a community that dedicates itself to fighting for gender parity. 

Today, Isler works to connect women who champion and celebrate one another, instead of seeing each other as competition. Too often, people treat successful women leaders as anomalies or disapprove of them for failing to hew to their expected roles as wives and mothers. People sometimes fail to accept nontraditional family structures, in which men take on domestic responsibilities to support their partners’ careers. Isler exhorts readers to push for cultural change, to change the way business power systems undervalue women, and to help make sure that more women can succeed.

About the Author

Kate Isler is Co-Founder and CEO of TheWMarketplace, an eCommerce platform that promotes women-owned businesses.

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The Fix, Overcome the Invisible Barriers That Are Holding Women Back at Work by Michelle P. King

Recommendation

Companies that devote resources to promoting a diverse, gender-balanced workforce mostly fall short because they try to “fix” workers to fit the “ideal worker” prototype. Women learn new skills, find mentors, speak up, negotiate and lean in – all to no avail. Gender expert Michelle P. King says these tactics don’t work because women aren’t men. King describes numerous “invisible barriers” that women and other minorities face. Firms that remove these barriers can unleash the full potential of their workforce. 

Take-Aways

• Women who want to advance often try to “fix” themselves to fit their corporate culture, but the flaws are in the workplace.
• The so-called ideal corporate worker is male, white, heterosexual, able-bodied and middle-class.
• Many people deny sexism exists. They can’t change what they don’t acknowledge.
• Most people aren’t aware of accruing privilege due to their skin color, gender, sexual orientation, class or perceived ability.
• Women face multiple invisible barriers to their success that arise due to inequality, patriarchal ideas and privilege.
• In the middle “endurance phase” of their careers, women must balance work and home.
• Women leaders face invisible barriers in the “contribution phase” of their careers.
• Workplace gender equality benefits men as much as women.
• Commit to equality as part of your company’s culture.
• Stereotypical images of men and women force everyone to conform.

The Fix Book Summary

Women who want to advance often try to “fix” themselves to fit their corporate culture, but the flaws are in the workplace.

Patriarchy supports the beliefs that women aren’t as good or as valuable as men. Patriarchy is so much a part of society that most people don’t realize they hold those beliefs. Yuval Noah Harari wrote in Sapiens that humans developed a hierarchical division of labor at the time of the Agricultural Revolution. Men farmed; women tended the hearth and children. Even today, people accept gender roles early and without question, and those roles form unconscious expectations. Society monetized agricultural work, giving men’s work value, but not home and child care. People came to associate leadership and power with masculinity.

“At best, these work environments are blind to the needs of women, and at worst, they function to uphold the belief that men are supreme and women are simply not as valuable.”

Companies spend time and money on diversity and anti-harassment training, flexible work schemes and parental leave, but these are stopgaps for underrepresented groups. Firms design these programs to help workers fit the idea of perfect employees. Women are often excellent leaders – creative, collaborative and democratic. They are skilled, savvy and tough. The workplace – not the women – needs to change.

The so-called ideal corporate worker is male, white, heterosexual, able-bodied and middle-class.

In the TV program Mad Men, the Don Draper character who works grueling hours and prioritizes his company over his family symbolizes the ideal worker. He’s ambitious, decisive, competitive and commanding, and he dominates his office with aggressive, competitive behavior.

“If women choose to be themselves at work, they are unlikely to be accepted, included, valued and rewarded in the same way as men. This is inequality. And this cannot be solved by women alone.”

Only a white man can fit the Draper model – but only if he has no family, or a wife raising their kids. The less people resemble this prototype, the less others see them as leaders.

Many people deny sexism exists. They can’t change what they don’t acknowledge.

People tend to like and trust those who resemble them. Modern sexism denies inequality. Modern racism is apparent when people say they “don’t see color.”

“Modern sexism is underpinned by the belief that biological differences are responsible for gender segregation at work rather than discrimination.”

Women experience gender inequality daily. Denying their experience is a form of gas-lighting and erodes their self-confidence. “Visible barriers” in the gendered workplace include discriminatory policies based on male preferences and expectations, such as no parental leave, or the unspoken requirement to work extended hours. “Invisible barriers” impede women’s advancement. For instance, companies often value women’s collaborative leadership style less than a dominant, aggressive male style. Diversity programs threaten male white workers. Rather than seeing that a woman colleague earned her leadership role, male peers view her as a token. Gender parity in leadership comes naturally in equality-minded cultures.

Most people aren’t aware of accruing privilege due to their skin color, gender, sexual orientation, class or perceived ability.

Males fit the perfect worker model by default, a kind of privilege. You’re working in a male-privileged environment if you must make sure people see you as a leader as well as a woman – since the two are different – or if people think you’re pushy while a man is assertive or if you have to worry about dressing to seem feminine without inviting harassment. Male leaders build informal work relationships with men, not women. Men gain promotion over women because males are good at office politics and spend time with company leaders – gathering for drinks or lunch or bonding over sports.

“Women and men have different experiences and challenges advancing at work because they are different and organizations were not designed to accommodate this. This is true whether workplaces accept this fact or not.”

Women can’t build relationships the same way, because male peers will see them as too masculine. But being more feminine doesn’t work either. Office politics are often aggressive and competitive – putting individual pursuits over company goals and privileging stereotypical masculinity. Navigating this system is mentally exhausting for women.

Women face multiple invisible barriers to their success that arise due to inequality, patriarchal ideas and privilege.

Six invisible barriers arise in the “achievement phase” at the beginning of women’s careers:

1. “Conditioned expectations” – Older adults condition young women to see higher education as a path to success. They assume that hard work equals success. That’s how school works. Nobody warns women about gender bias; not knowing sets up women to fail.
2. “Matching women to the male standard of success” – Leaders look for the Draper prototype and subconsciously prefer male applicants.
3. “The conformity bind” – Women must conform to imposed gender roles by acting more feminine, but if they do, others don’t see them as leadership material.
4. “The confidence/competence catch-22” – On the one hand, your confidence level convinces people that you are competent. On the other hand, women need to be assertive, but warm – ambitious, not dominant. These contradictory standards damage women’s confidence. Managers should connect women to opportunities that demonstrate their competence.
5. “Performance and pay inequality” – Women often must prove their competence by exceeding expectations. This “performance tax” impedes getting raises and advancing.
6. “The invisible load” – As women progress, they become more aware of gender biases that wear them down. They begin to believe they aren’t good enough. People see men’s successes as being due to ability and men’s failures as bad luck. They view women’s wins as luck and women’s failures as lack of ability. To stop internalizing these barriers, identify them and share your experiences of inequality with other women.

In the middle “endurance phase” of their careers, women must balance work and home.

Although women enter the workforce at about the same rates as men, when you count managers later in their careers, only 39% are women. The middle phase in a woman’s career often demands suffering “enduring inequality” and facing several barriers, including:

• “Negative gender norms” – When your boss makes a gendered joke at your expense, he undermines your colleagues’ respect for you. If you complain, the assumption is that you “can’t take a joke.” These “inequality moments” show up daily with men who want to call attention to women’s lower status. If such events are allowed to continue unchecked, they bake gender inequality into a firm’s culture.
• “Role conflict: manager or mommy?” – Around mid-career, women face the perceived conflict between the “ideal worker” versus the “ideal mother.” Help the parents on your team by understanding and supporting their needs.
• “The part-time penalty” – Many people believe that women work because they want to; in fact, most women have to work. Labor statistics for 2017 show that 70% of women with dependent children hold jobs. Often, mothers find that working part-time is their only option. To show that your firm values equality, embrace the idea that working women and men will most likely become parents.
• “The motherhood tax” – Pregnant women tend to work hard to prove their competence. Moms work even harder to overcome bias that says they won’t work diligently. The Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis found that mothers generally outperform childless women at every career stage and that women with two children have the highest productivity.
• “Carrying the mental and emotional load” – Women who try to be both the ideal mother and the ideal worker feel they’re in a no-win situation. This affects their well-being. When fathers and mothers mutually commit to managing their careers and their home responsibilities, life gets easier for mothers.

Women leaders face invisible barriers in the “contribution phase” of their careers.

Even when women attain a higher status at work and want to give back, they still face specific hidden barricades:

• “Access to quality leadership opportunities” – When women become leaders, gender discrimination multiplies. Companies often set women up to fail by hiring them for challenging roles, such as being named CEO during a period of upheaval or jeopardy. The woman then becomes the scapegoat, which reinforces the incompetence bias. Women have no latitude to fail. Women of color must perform to even higher standards, but people recognize their contributions less. Men can help by grooming women for leadership positions from the start.
• “Stereotypical typecasting” – Calling a woman “sweetheart, girl” or “ice maiden” sets the tone for how co-workers view her.
• “Identity conflict: leading like women” – People judge male leaders by their work, but they judge women by their looks as well as their work. Appearance should not be a measure of a woman’s success. 
• “Backlash: influencing without authority” – When women do well in male-dominated workplaces, they defy gendered expectations. This can draw social penalties, such as isolation, reduced incentives and sexual harassment. Women lead without the presumption of likability or competence given to men. It helps for men to support women leaders.
• “Isolation: in-group favoritism” – Women leaders often feel lonely. Reach out to your colleagues, and show your respect. Help minority workers achieve their career goals.
• “Legitimacy: from token to trophy” – In 2016, the Global Gender Gap Report predicted the gender wage gap would close in 83 years. In 2017, it upped that to 100 years. Inequality won’t solve itself, and quotas and initiatives aren’t making the difference.

Instead of promoting women to fill a quota, work to stop inequality.

“A 2016 study found when women and racial minorities support diversity efforts, their manager and co-workers perceive them as less competent, and they receive lower performance ratings. When white men engage in this same behavior, it leads to high performance ratings.”

Establish company-wide values that set fair expectations. Encourage people to feel safe sharing their unique identities.

Workplace gender equality benefits men as much as women.

Traits that are seen as typically masculine aren’t inherently toxic; being assertive and competitive are valuable traits in many instances. Realize that men tend to wrap their sense of self and value in succeeding at work. Join in conversations about the different ways other people experience your workplace. Become an ally to women and minority colleagues. Speak up against derogatory remarks to reaffirm the standard of equality at work.

“In dangerous situations, men typically try to be brave and emotionally detached, which can encourage men to take unsafe risks or avoid asking for help when they need it.”

When men learn to value women’s careers like their own, they give themselves permission to redefine their success to include their family roles. Men need to be more honest about their family duties and model reasonable work hours.

Commit to equality as part of your company’s culture.

Men often take risky jobs such as firefighting or working on oil rigs. To address stress, management encourages these men to ask for support and to be open about their feelings. This helps workers positively redefine their ideas of masculinity. Managers reward oil rig workers for spotting potentially unsafe practices. On a rig, safety procedures are part of the culture. Leaders are proud of their safety record, learn from their mistakes and link their value to maintaining a safe workplace.

Workplaces can achieve the same success with the value of equality. As a leader, model equal treatment and inclusiveness every day, until they become part of your culture. Mentor women. Raise awareness of how inequality manifests. Encourage team members to share examples of their “inequality journey” as a way to seek solutions together.

“Even if women manage to survive the glass cliff by staying employed or turning things around, their performance is usually not rewarded…Female CEOs are 45% more likely than male CEOs to be dismissed.”

Step in and speak up when you witness inequality. Demonstrate your intent to make the company work better for women, include everyone in the effort to eliminate invisible barriers and reduce resistance to change. Educate workers about different people’s experiences. Incorporate equality goals into your key performance indicators and business practices. Think about your brand message, community activities and supply partners.

Stereotypical images of men and women force everyone to conform.

As automation takes over more work tasks, new industries will emerge and jobs will come to include the use of machines and AI. The leadership skills of the future – soft skills like teaching and collaboration – seem more feminine than the Draper “command-and-control” approach. Studies show women generally adopt a more democratic approach to leadership, while men tend to be more “transactional” in their leadership style. To meet the demands of the future, organizations need to encourage a variety of skills. Equality in the workplace serves everyone’s interests.

About the Author

Netflix director of inclusion Michelle P. King is an internationally renowned expert on gender and organizations. She previously led the UN Women Global Innovation Coalition for Change.

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No Explanation Required! A Woman’s Guide to Assert Your Confidence and Communicate to Win at Work by Carol Sankar

Recommendation

Women have been left out of leadership opportunities due to stereotyping and their societal conditioning to stay quiet and select service-centered careers such as teaching, nursing or being an assistant. Leadership expert Carol Sankar explains that women limit their potential by over-explaining, over-apologizing and not speaking up about their value. Though she doesn’t address systemic patriarchal issues, Sankar offers concrete examples and helpful talking points as she explains how to communicate assertively and attain the high-level opportunities you deserve.

Take-Aways

• Stereotypes and prejudice keep women from reaching the executive suite.
• Create an alter-ego such as Beyoncé’s Sasha Fierce to gain the confidence to speak up.
• Beware of self-limiting communication and adopt a businesslike appearance.
• Focus on gaining respect instead of chasing likability.
• Avoid a passive communication style and stop over-apologizing.
• Respond professionally, not emotionally, to negativity or crisis.
• Don’t over-explain.
• Advocate your value, and create a network that supports your progress to a senior position.

No Explanation Required Book Summary

Stereotypes and prejudice keep women from reaching the executive suite.

When author Carol Sankar was a child, she told a teacher she wanted to become a federal judge. The teacher chastised her for harboring such an unrealistic wish. Sankar changed her answer and said she wanted to be a teacher to avoid further scoldings and persecution from her peers.Society normalizes certain career choices – such as nursing, teaching or being a receptionist or assistant – as women-centered, thus perpetuating the stereotype that a woman’s job is to serve others. The shortage of women in other careers reflects the fear women may feel about asking for opportunities outside the service-oriented norm.

“Women made up only 7.4% of the Fortune 500 in 2020. Only 37 women are represented at the top. ” (Fortune magazine)

This hesitation to speak up also has its roots in social conditioning that tells women to be nice. The “nice girl” is often passive, compliant, servile and outwardly pleasant. This stereotype boxes women an image of quiet servitude based on norms and expectations that ultimately affect women’s socioeconomic well-being and sustain the gender pay gap.If you don’t speak up and advocate your worth, people will perceive you as someone who does not have valuable input to offer and is uninterested in leadership or unsuited for it.To break away from biased perceptions of females, recondition the nice-girl lessons of your past and retool your approach to communication from passive to assertive. Make your voice heard with these strategies:

• Make sure your company implements a universal policy of supporting all voices – Speak to your manager or to HR.
• Finish your points when speaking – Always keep going if someone interrupts you.
• Stand up – Physically make your presence known.
• Never apologize before you speak – Apologizing suggests a lack of authority and makes you vulnerable to interruptions.
• Be an ally to other women – Help them get their voices heard.
• Don’t over-practice – Be informed and relaxed.

Learning to speak up takes courage and confidence because society often fights women who want to make their voices heard.

Create an alter-ego such as Beyoncé’s Sasha Fierce to gain the confidence to speak up.

Taking on the alter ego of Sasha Fierce allows singer Beyoncé, a leading figure in popular music, to achieve peak confidence without feeling judgment or criticism. Your alter ego, the best version of yourself, can protect you from your insecurities while allowing you to achieve your goals. Projecting an alter ego complete with mind-set, body language and stand-up personality can give you a catalyst for mastering assertive communication. Create your alter ego in four steps:

1. Know your goals – Determine where you want to go in your career and create a list of people your alter ego will network with to help you get there.
2. Mirror the image – To attract leadership opportunities, dress like the ideal, confident women you admire.
3. Build the personality – Act and speak like an executive.
4. Walk the walk – Find the courage to be your alter ego and separate yourself from your insecurities. Highlight your best attributes.

An alter ego makes you free to change how decision-makers and executives perceive you.

Beware of self-limiting communication and adopt a businesslike appearance.

Showing up for a job interview wearing yoga pants and a messy bun tells potential employers that you are unorganized, sloppy and unprofessional. How you present yourself – nonverbally and verbally – will affect how people perceive your abilities and leadership potential.

“You will attract leadership opportunities only if you are perceived as a leader.”

Align your appearance, body language and communication style with those of successful decision-makers. To avoid self-limiting communication:

• Steer clear of phrases like, “I think”, “I want to try” or “I’m new” – That create a perception of inexperience and lack of preparation.
• Don’t say “they are” – Instead, say “I am.” Speak in the first person to promote yourself and spotlight your capabilities.
• Stop waiting for someone else to start speaking – Effective leaders make the first move. Start the conversation to show that you can take initiative.

Nonverbal communication is the root of building trust. To increase your credibility:

1. Make eye contact – Keep your head up and look people in the eye when speaking.
2. Control your posture – Don’t slouch or slump. Erect posture can shift your energy and mind-set and make you feel more empowered.
3. Use a power pose – Standing up with your hands on your hips or on the table or throwing your hands up in celebration creates a perception of assertive confidence.
4. Make a great first impression – Dress professionally. Exude leadership from the start.

Positive perceptions build respect in the workforce. When people respect you, the nice girl image and other harmful stereotypes can’t hold you back.

Focus on gaining respect instead of chasing likability.

The author learned a valuable lesson about pursuing likability early in her career. A seemingly good-natured couple outmaneuvered Sankar on a real estate deal by exploiting her desire to be well-liked. They went behind her back, sold the property and cut Sankar out of the profits. Because she focused on being liked, she blindly trusted people who had ill intentions.

Being liked will not further your career, but gaining respect by setting boundaries will. To articulate clear intentions that build other people’s trust in your abilities, take three steps:

1. Maintain a standard for how people address you – Avoid de-individualizing nicknames like “sweetie,” “sis” or “honey.” Tell people how to address you, whether by your first name or surname.
2. Prioritize your day around productivity – Make lists, prioritize emails, create relationships over lunch, be approachable, work quietly and take the lead whenever possible.
3. Reclaim your time – Set a standard of punctuality to make sure others recognize the value of your time. Keep your boundaries non-negotiable.

Implement your boundaries and expectations in a manner that shows people your value and professional capacity in three steps:

1. Make yourself a true asset to your company and generate respect for your work – Decision-makers will take notice for future promotions.
2. Set realistic expectations around your capabilities – Give yourself the space to deliver your highest quality work.
3. Stay in your lane – Focus on what you’re good at and keep developing your expertise.

Avoid a passive communication style and stop over-apologizing.

Sankar worked from home during the pandemic. Her niece and nephew occasionally interrupted her work. When her nephew wanted her attention, he came in and stated, “Excuse me,” and then asked his question directly. When her niece interrupted, she started with, “I’m sorry to bother you, Auntie.”

Women consistently apologize to avoid being judged, to gain acceptance, to show modesty and to get people to like them. However, over-apologizing creates the perception that you are uncertain and indecisive and, therefore, not executive material. Break the apology habit in three critical steps:

1. Recognize the routine centered around the apology – Notice your habits and catch yourself before you apologize.
2. Identify what is driving you to say, “I’m sorry” – Are you feeling overwhelmed or ignored? Consider whether apologizing achieves the reward you seek.
3. Isolate the cue – Write down the triggers that make you feel you should apologize, and address them.

Replace apologizing with two new habits:

1. Emotional freedom technique (EFT)/tapping – Repeat affirmations such as, “There is nothing to apologize for” while tapping meridian points on the body. Challenge your anxious urge to impulsively apologize.
2. Use the “great gratitude response” – Shift from “I’m sorry” to “Thank you.” Instead of saying, “I’m sorry for being late,” say, “Thank you for waiting for me.”

Avoid using passive prepositions. Saying “because” splits your decision from your explanation and leaves you susceptible to people pushing you around. If you offer no overt explanation, you leave no room for further discussion or argument.Use such prepositions only to create value or provide evidence to support what you’re asking for during an opportunity-oriented conversation. Determine if the information that follows the word “because” adds value to your work or highlights an insecurity.

Respond professionally, not emotionally, to negativity or crisis.

Have you interacted with a negative, angry or difficult person at work and found yourself mirroring their volatile energy? You can’t control the chain of people who may connect you to executive success; however, you can control your reactions to those who are negative or dismissive. Respond to them in ways that highlight your self-control and leadership qualities. Apply these four tactics:

1. Recognize your triggers – Understand the personal issues that may cause you to react impulsively.
2. Always pause before responding – Allow yourself time to process anxiety or anger before speaking. Control your tone and language.
3. Avoid passive-aggressive or patronizing responses – Don’t use phrases such as, “Per my last email.”
4. Think long term – Analyze the cost and benefit of any response in terms of your long-range goals.

Respond to challenging situations effectively in four steps:

1. Don’t rush – Craft your words and redact any emotional language.
2. Remain on topic – This helps you avoid unforeseen triggers.
3. Avoid passive language – Don’t apologize, minimize yourself or let an aggressor affect your tone.
4. Use silence – Not every post, email or negative comment needs a response. Silence empowers you and shows others they cannot provoke you. 

Offering a minimal, thoughtful response helps you break the habit of saying too much and undermining your message.

Don’t over-explain.

Mary is about to leave work when her manager asks if she would like to join her co-workers for drinks. Feeling guilty about not wanting to participate, Mary launches into an elaborate explanation about needing to get home and cook. Over-sharing makes her decision seem optional, undermines her confidence, and leaves room for her manager to dictate changes in her decision and her behavior.

“Over-explaining is a form of apologizing. We over-explain everything while undervaluing our contributions as leaders.”

Drop this unnecessary narrative and keep your responses short and simple. To that end, use concise language. When you keep any explanations brief, others will perceive you as a confident, productive leader. Have faith in your abilities; saying yes or no is sufficient.

Advocate your value, and create a network that supports your progress to a senior position.

A bakery whose cake appeared in a list of “Oprah’s Favorite Things” 10 years ago still uses that clout to advertise its cakes because bragging about your accomplishments leads to more opportunities and promotions.

“Bragging is an effective tool to ensure decision-makers are aware of who contributes exceptional value and exemplifies leadership potential.”

Effective bragging enables you to:

1. Highlight your achievements – Present relevant examples of your great work, not as a competitive tool, but as pertinent evidence to gain the opportunities you deserve.
2. Share your good reviews – Showcase that others think well of you.
3. Make your accomplishments last for your entire career – Their value is always relevant.
4. Use the merits you bring to the company as a bargaining tool – Your achievements help you climb the corporate ladder.
5. Speak up consistently – You want the promotion gatekeepers to take notice.

Never wait for an invitation for a promotion or opportunity. You are no longer the helpless princess trapped in the proverbial tower of gender stereotypes. Use your new assertive communication tools to find your voice and empower your journey into the executive-level job you deserve.

About the Author

Carol Sankar founded The Confidence Factor for Women in Leadership. An R&D advisor and an investor, she trains women in negotiation and writes and speaks on leadership.

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