Mending the Broken Bond by Frank Lawlis Book Summary

Mending the Broken Bond, The 90-Day Answer to Developing a Loving Relationship with Your Child by Frank Lawlis

Recommendation

Parental love for a child is one of the strongest emotional bonds. However, love alone does not guarantee a healthy, solid relationship or a happy, confident and well-adjusted child. And isn’t that what you want the most? Dr. Frank Lawlis shows you how to channel your love so that you can be a successful parent. Each chapter focuses on one of the 10 steps Lawlis suggests to build, reshape and strengthen the bonds between you and your child. His steps include learning effective communication, managing behavioral challenges, and developing the ability to cooperate, heal and forgive. The book overflows with helpful quizzes, exercises and real-life examples, adding structure and life to his advice. Although Lawlis crafts his plan to fit a 90-day schedule, getAbstract suggests that parents seeking guidance concentrate on the chapters that address their specific concerns.

Take-Aways

• Form loving bonds with your children by working with them, instead of trying to control them.
• Focus on the emotions that underlie inappropriate behavior instead of on the behavior itself.
• The ability to read nonverbal communication is an essential social skill.
• You cannot work on your relationship with a child whose brain is not functioning normally due to toxins, a physical condition or substance abuse.
• Parents need to walk the fine line between tolerance and control.
• Empathy is vital to helping your children feel acknowledged and understood.
• The way you communicate with children affects how they receive your message.
• Pay attention to your body language, gestures and tone of voice.
• Control your reactions by learning how to forgive.
• Children seek spirituality when they want to know that they are special, that they have a purpose and that they have something unique to contribute.

Mending the Broken Bond Book Summary

The Love Connection

Almost without exception, parents love their children. Yet resentment, anger, unfulfilled expectations, disappointment and frustration can hinder the exchange of love, and problems may arise. While people have the innate ability to love, it does not necessarily come along with the skills you need to form a loving connection. You can “mend the broken bonds” by working through the emotional challenges that get in their way.

“Rarely do I see parents who do not love their children. Most will fight to the grave for them, but many parents are in desperate need of ways to develop bonds of love and understanding with their children.”

Many parents misunderstand some basic facts about raising children:

• You don’t need to make children happy. Your role is to help your children handle frustration and disappointment, and learn to solve problems on their own.
• It’s not always good to let it all out. Teach children to manage feelings of anger.
• Teenagers need rules and structure to help them manage this challenging stage.
• A child’s cry serves a purpose. You shouldn’t let a child “cry it out.”
• Corporal punishment is negative. Use positive reinforcement.
• Watching television evokes a genuine emotional response from your children.

Step One: Love, Don’t Control

Hannah, an intelligent girl and a good student, got kicked out of school for antisocial behavior. When Dr. Frank Lawlis began treating her, he saw that she felt like a failure, and that her life was a series of mistakes and bad choices. It transpired that her mother had transferred her own fears and insecurities to Hannah. The result was severely impaired communication. Learning to communicate and listen, to set boundaries, and to be honest with one another helped this mother and daughter create a new, loving relationship.

“Giving and receiving love is vital to human existence. It is the glue that binds couples, families, communities, cultures and nations.”

Many people base their parenting methods on false assumptions. These include the belief that children will love and respect you because of the things you give them. To teach good behavior, use positive reinforcement. Most parents are good at identifying poor behavior, but often ignore the opportunity to reinforce good conduct. For example, offer a reward for good behavior, such as “When you put your toys away you can watch your favorite TV show,” instead of threatening with a punishment such as: “Put your toys away or you’ll go to bed right after supper.” Use “natural consequences” to direct behavior. For instance, teachers often give students detention for fighting. Instead, a session studying methods of conflict resolution makes more sense.

“Young people learn how to relate to others through their relationships with their parents.”

To build a long-term, loving relationship with your children, learn how to work with them rather than manage and control them. You are a role model for your children and are critical to their self-perception. Set standards and live up to them. Listen with an open mind and an open heart. Seek common ground, and practice negotiating and compromising.

Step Two: Cooperation

Pete, who spent his first year in an orphanage, was a well-adjusted child in every respect except that he was hostile and aggressive toward his younger brother. Pete’s survival instinct, honed in the orphanage where “he had to compete for essentials like food, comfort and adult attention” made him view his sibling as a threat. By participating in team activities, he eventually learned to work together with his younger brother.

“Your child is a reflection of your parenting, for better and for worse.”

Cooperation and socialization are learned skills. When children express emotions inappropriately, parents need to focus on the message underlying the behavior. One vital premise of parenting is: “There is always a reason for behavior, and when that reason can be expressed in other ways, there is no more reason for destructive behavior.”

“Most parents don’t realize that they are the most important figures in their children’s lives from day one.”

Let your children know that you love them. Respond with empathy and teach them ways to handle adversity. You can build stronger bonds with your children by playing together, spending time together as a family and praying for each other. Some families find that drumming together promotes a spirit of mutuality and cooperation.

Step Three: Strengthening the Bonds

Humans have instinctive recuperative and healing capabilities. People use the senses of smell, touch and even taste to convey their love, soothe and heal. Children can detect a loss of affection or an attitude change in their parents through their sense of smell. You can use aromatherapy via candles, herbs and flowers to create or change a mood in your home.

“To give love, we must know we are loved. To care for others, we must know others care for us.”

Never underestimate the power of healing touch, whether it is the therapeutic use of massage, or simple hugs and caresses. In every culture, people use food to nurture, celebrate and express love. Just thinking about your favorite childhood foods evokes a positive emotional response. Cook with love and prepare meals with your family to strengthen your relationships.

Step Four: Listen Visually

Darin lacked some basic socialization skills but his parents couldn’t figure out why. The results of initial testing showed signs of autism or epilepsy. However, further tests revealed that Darin was visually impaired. The problem with his eyes prohibited him from reading nonverbal cues such as facial expressions. “Mindsight” is the ability to receive nonverbal communication and it is essential to developing relationships.

“A parent can love a child without having a healthy, loving relationship with the child.”

Nonverbal cues make up 75% of communication. You express yourself not only with words but also with your volume and tone of voice. You use facial expressions, and arm and hand gestures to convey your message. You communicate with body language to reinforce your words, replace words, enhance your spoken message, emphasize a point or control the exchange. Help your children develop this important skill and pay attention to their nonverbal cues.

Step Five: It May Be Physical

Joe’s parents believed the boy had become “possessed by demons” when he was 10. He used profane language and his sole interest was working alone on model airplanes. They brought him for a psychological assessment after he was suspended from school for smoking and harassing other students. He underwent a brain scan and the tests showed that he was intoxicated – on glue. The chemicals he had inhaled had damaged his brain, causing the bad behavior.

“It is your responsibility as a parent to get actively engaged in nurturing, shaping, teaching and guiding your children.”

For children to think clearly and behave normally, they need a properly functioning brain. You cannot work on a relationship with a “sour-brained” child. Toxins that prohibit normal brain function include environmental poisons, street drugs, misused prescribed drugs or alcohol. Allergic reactions or other physical conditions can also affect brain activity.

“Children need both our encouragement and our guidance.”

If your child is under the influence of toxins, you must stop the exposure. If it is in your environment, such as lead pipes, fix the problem immediately or move to another residence. If the problem is drug or alcohol abuse, be prepared to intervene. Focus on the problem – substance abuse – and not the child. Adopt a problem-solving attitude based on love and concern. Get expert advice and call in professionals if necessary. The next step toward restoring logical thinking is to clear away the toxins. This might take time and your child might suffer setbacks, but once you detoxify the body, you can begin to work on rebuilding your relationship.

Step Six: Finding Balance

Children are naturally exuberant and energetic. Parents who tolerate their children’s self-expression say that they love their creative energy and individuality. However, children also need to learn how to keep their energy in check and how to exhibit proper social behavior. But how do you find the fine balance between tolerance and control?

“Nobody sets out to be a lousy mom or dad, but there are many out there who simply don’t know what they don’t know.”

Children need to learn self-control so that they can master their emotions. Learning how to calm down is imperative. Teach your children how to breathe slowly and relax their body. When the body is calm, the mind will relax, too.

What do you do with an overstimulated child? Jerry, age five, loved to shout and yell. Although this was appropriate behavior on the playground, Jerry’s parents needed to teach him how to behave at home. They took this four-step approach:

1. They asked Jerry to stop yelling and explained why.
2. They suggested a calming behavior, such as listening to music.
3. Then, they offered ways to reroute his energy such as running in the yard or playing with building blocks.
4. Finally, Jerry’s parents praised him for channeling his energy appropriately.

Step Seven: Being Understood

People who feel accepted and understood are in a good position to develop long-lasting relationships. Unfortunately, many child/parent relationships are rife with misunderstandings and lapses in communication. Your job as a parent is to be empathetic to your child’s feelings. Learn how to discern the feeling expressed behind the words. When you don’t understand what your child is attempting to communicate, ask for clarification. Repeat what you hear, a technique called “mirror reflection.” For instance, if your child says, “You are mean,” try responding with, “I understand. You feel like I am not being nice.”

“Overcontrolling parents aren’t powerful – they are just overcontrolling.”

Don’t try to jump in and fix things. Instead, acknowledge what your child is going through. Throw judgment out the window. Ask questions and listen thoughtfully to the answers. Reach out, share how you felt in a similar circumstance or relay a story from your own childhood.

Step Eight: Word Up

Dr. Lawlis couldn’t understand why Kevin said his five-year-old son Jacob was out of control until he asked them to work on a puzzle together. Kevin berated his son with statements such as, “Jacob, what are you doing?” and “Are you stupid or just being uncooperative?”

“The ability to read and react to the emotional states of others is an important socialization and communication skill.”

Children respond to your words. They want to please you, but you might not be communicating clearly enough for them to understand, or you might be communicating the wrong message. When you speak to your children, express what you mean with clarity. Don’t assume they will automatically comprehend your message. Instead of name-calling, state how the child’s behavior is making you feel, such as, “I’m getting irritated by your running around.” Give simple and precise directions, and don’t overload them with too many instructions at once. Use stories to convey your message.

Step Nine: Forgive and Move On

Your children will disappoint you. You will disappoint your children. Parents and children are not infallible and they will make mistakes. This much is out of your control. However, you can control your reactions. You can become a victim and remain bitter, or you can choose to forgive.

“A parent who strives to understand the emotions behind the child’s words and actions rather than focus on what is said or done will likely build loving bonds for a lifetime.”

When you forgive, you separate your emotions from the hurtful action. You are not saying that the action was justified. You are merely deciding to let go of the negative feelings. Learning to forgive is a prerequisite to forging long-lasting bonds with your children.

Step Ten: A Greater Power

At some point during childhood, every child wonders, “Why am I here?” Children want to know that they are special, that they have a purpose and that they have something unique to contribute. No matter what religion you practice, you can reassure your children of these spiritual beliefs:

• “Everyone is connected.”
• “Justice is ultimately served, and forgiveness is a strength.”
• “Each individual has a higher purpose.”
• “There is a source of infinite wisdom.”
• “Love conquers all, even death.”

About the Author

Dr. Frank Lawlis is psychologist, researcher and counselor with more than 35 years of experience working with parents and children. He is the author of the two bestsellers, The ADD Answer and The IQ Answer.