Sex & Relationships

No Visible Bruises, What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us, by Rachel Louise Snyder

Recommendation

In America today, 54% of mass shootings involve domestic violence; intimate partners use guns to kill 50 women a month. Because of guns, the United States is the most dangerous industrialized country for women. Journalist Rachel Louise Snyder’s exhaustive research reveals sobering truths about why women face so much risk from domestic violence. Snyder includes accounts from jailed batterers, as well. Prescient and vital, this essential work reveals why home can be the most dangerous place. Recommended for women who live with abuse, advocates, lawmakers and law enforcement officers.

Take-Aways

• Long-held assumptions about domestic violence help perpetuate the crisis of abuse.
• Victims stay with abusers because it is almost always more dangerous to leave.
• The Danger Assessment tool can help prevent domestic violence homicides.
• Guns are a significant factor in the rates of domestic abuse homicides in the United States.
• Anti-domestic violence programs teach batterers how their violence affects their victims.
• Better communication among agencies and law enforcement reduces fatal mistakes.
• Crisis centers must expand options for battered women and their children.
• Evidence-based prosecution can detain abusers while victims seek help.

No Visible Bruises Book Summary

Long-held assumptions about domestic violence help perpetuate the crisis of abuse.

America does not consider domestic violence an urgent crisis, even though intimate partners murder 50 women a month. And, murder is the leading cause of death among young African-American women. Certain incorrect assumptions surround the issue of domestic violence, including blaming the victim: The girl made bad choices – or, if she had reason to fear her partner, she should simply have left. People still believe that what happens in the home is nobody’s business, and that in domestic disputes women sustain only negligible injuries. 

Law enforcement personnel often fail to take domestic violence seriously, especially when they are called to the same home multiple times, even though a domestic violence response call can be dangerous for the responding officers. Perceiving it as a private matter that shouldn’t distract the police, society often deems domestic violence a “nuisance.” Unlike any other crime, it doesn’t happen randomly in unexpected places. It happens mostly where couples live. 

“Leaving is never an event; it’s a process.”

For generations around the globe, women were men’s property, to do with as they wished. Today, male abusers claim to love the women they batter. And, women believe their children need a father, even a bad one. The court system puts victims on the defensive and charges perpetrators with only minor offenses.

“When a man’s belief system is challenged, he goes into fatal peril and that is the moment where violence is a choice.”

The women’s movement in the 1970s and 1980s tried to change these assumptions and unfair provisions. Publicity from the O.J. Simpson trial helped win passage of the Violence Against Women Act in 1994. Yet, programs and shelters for battered women suffer chronic underfunding.

Victims stay with abusers because it is almost always more dangerous to leave.

Rocky Mosure displayed the hallmarks of a batterer for years before he murdered his wife, Michelle. He abused drugs after their children were born. He isolated his wife from her family and beat her in front of their kids. When she tried to leave, he stalked and threatened her. She filed a restraining order, but Rocky’s parents bailed him out. Living in Montana, he had no difficulty getting a weapon. Michelle gave up hope that the law could protect her. She recanted her story because she feared for her life, and she sought to placate Rocky to buy time to escape. But within weeks, he fatally shot her and their children and committed suicide. 

A “fatality review team” assessed the Mosure case. They acknowledged their “failure to protect.” They concluded that better communication among advocates and law enforcement would reduce violence. If their recommendations had been in effect as public policy, the court would have kept Rocky in jail while advocates helped Michelle set up emergency plans and find shelter. They would have warned her when his release was due and enforced a no-contact order. An advocate would have tested Michelle with the Danger Assessment tool to determine her level of risk.

The Danger Assessment tool can help prevent domestic violence homicides.

The Danger Assessment tool is the “single most important tool” developed to help advocates identify women who are at risk of abuse. Creator Jacquelyn Campbell was a public health nurse who discovered flaws in law enforcement’s reporting and tracking of domestic abuse cases. The Danger Assessment tool helps women understand their situations in context. Crisis workers across the United States use it to identify women quickly who might not know they are in danger and to provide them with resources. 

“The Danger Assessment has changed the course of how we understand and treat intimate partner violence in America and beyond.”

Campbell’s research isolated prior domestic abuse incidents as the biggest indicator of future abuse. The danger spikes in the three months after a battered partner leaves, then it drops significantly. Time apart lets intimate partners adjust to ending their relationship. Campbell identified 22 high-risk factors that predict potential homicide, including substance abuse, forced sex, stalking, poverty, unemployment, threats to kill, isolation from friends and family, and strangulation. Almost 60% of homicides show a history of strangulation, because “once the hands are on the neck, the very next step is homicide.” Laws that made strangulation a felony in 45 states have contributed to a drop in homicide rates.

Guns are a significant factor in the rates of domestic abuse homicides in the United States.

Gun advocates argue that firearms make women safer because a woman who has a gun can defend herself. David Adams, leader of an anti-domestic violence organization, interviewed 14 killers and discussed their statements in his testimony to the congressional Joint Committee on Public Safety and Homeland Security. Homicide risk increases eightfold when a gun is present, and the person holding the gun has the power. However, 11 of the killers said they would not have murdered their victims if a gun hadn’t been available. Yet, few laws allow police officers to remove guns from men with a history of stalking or domestic violence. Federal law does not.

“A gun is a passive instrument; it does what it’s told to do by a human. And humans make mistakes.”

Access to guns is one of the top three indicators for potential homicide in domestic abuse. Calls involving domestic violence account for 14% of police fatalities on duty. A third of US women have guns in their homes, but fewer than 20% claim that it makes them feel safer. More than half support stronger gun laws. Society teaches women not to use violence. Men must learn nonviolence, too. Domestic violence predicts mass shootings more than half the time, but an FBI study on active shooters neglected to link mass shootings with domestic violence. 

Anti-domestic violence programs teach batterers how their violence affects their victims.

The Manalive program at San Bruno jail in San Francisco teaches men to be accountable for their violence. Hamish Sinclair founded the program in 1980, but Manalive became particularly relevant after passage of the Violence Against Women Act in 1994. California law mandated that violent men must take the program or go to jail.

Sunny Schwartz, a prison guard, made Manalive one pillar in the Resolve to Stop the Violence Project (RSVP) at San Bruno. The other pillar is restorative justice, where the men hear firsthand accounts from female victims of domestic abuse. The program teaches the men to call their victims by their names and to see them as human beings. 

“Restorative justice insists that the perpetrator acknowledge the pain and suffering he has caused and ‘restore’ his victims and community as much as possible.”

Twenty years after its inception, RSVP has lowered recidivism rates. But few states have adopted it. Programs for survivors take precedence over programs for abusers, even though reducing male violence benefits victims.

Better communication among agencies and law enforcement reduces fatal mistakes.

Dorothy Giunta-Cotter should not have been a victim of William Cotter, her husband. Her murder was “instantly preventable,” according to social services worker Kelly Dunne, who helped Dorothy obtain a restraining order against her husband a few weeks before her death. She refused the only option available to battered women and their children: a shelter. She wanted to remain at home, even though her husband was dangerous.

“Shelter doesn’t simply mean a safe place to sleep; it means walking entirely out of your life, having your children walk entirely out of their lives. It means disappearing from view.”

Within days after the restraining order was issued, William broke it and tried to kidnap her at gunpoint. Then, he managed to obtain release on bail. The judge did not have Dorothy’s affidavit swearing to years of violence. He did not speak to Dunne. Upon his release, William returned to the family home and held his wife hostage. Police surrounded the house, but he killed Dorothy and himself.

Determining a woman’s level of risk and developing alternatives to shelters became Dunne’s project. The biggest communication barrier was between the crisis center and the police. Gender differences contributed to a lack of trust. Civil courts try domestic cases, and the justice system doesn’t treat domestic violence incidents as crimes in the traditional sense. Law enforcement regards domestic violence as mostly vexatious.

“It’s in the cracks that murders happen.”

Dunne helped create an abuse response team with representatives from every department – including the emergency room, the courts, the prisons, the police and advocacy organizations. The crisis center became the communications center, and the representatives met monthly to review high-risk cases.

Crisis centers must expand options for battered women and their children.

Dorothy Giunta-Cotter refused to go into a shelter because she didn’t understand why she should disrupt her children’s lives when her husband was the problem. Moving to a shelter means victims must leave their lives behind. They are forced to choose between staying at home with their abuser or hiding from him in a shelter, which means disrupting their children’s education, and giving up their jobs and their daily routines, like caring for elderly parents.

“It’s not women who need to learn violence; it’s men who need to learn nonviolence.”

The criminal justice system uses the excuse that if women refuse shelter, they are “not afraid enough” to need help. No other crime removes civil liberties from the victim. The justice system allows landlords to evict families because domestic violence is a nuisance, then refuses women and children new housing because they live in a shelter. All too often, staying with the abuser seems like a battered woman’s only option.

Transitional housing and financial aid may be solutions. Peg Hacskaylo founded the District Alliance for Safe Housing (DASH) in Washington, DC. In 2006, DC offered 48 shelter beds to women and children, even though the police received more than 31,000 domestic violence calls a year. In 2010, DASH unveiled Cornerstone, a complex with 43 studio and one-bedroom apartments. Hacskaylo also negotiates with landlords to secure “scattered site” affordable housing. Hacskaylo started the Survivor Resilience Fund (SRF) because victims with access to an income have a greater ability to secure safe housing and justice. By empowering battered women with resources, programs such as DASH and SRF show abusers that the community will not tolerate their behavior.

Evidence-based prosecution can detain abusers while victims seek help.

In an ideal world, community programs that prevent violence would be the norm. Unfortunately, domestic violence remains classified only as a misdemeanor in many jurisdictions. Dunne’s High Risk Team relies on Massachusetts bail statute 58A, which assesses how dangerous an abuser is. It can detain a plaintiff for 180 days without bail. Preventive detention keeps victims at home and out of shelters and gives them time to reorganize their lives. 

“The United States is the most dangerous developed country in the world for women when it comes to gun violence.”

Evidence-based prosecution is an alternative to preventive detention and relies on evidence such as photos, 911 tapes, witness testimonies and prior records. A prosecutor can convict an abuser without victims taking the stand. But in 2004, the Supreme Court ruled that defendants have the constitutional right to face their victims (Crawford v. Washington), and it rejected victim statements from uncooperative witnesses. 

Between 2010 and 2016, US gun manufacturers produced 10.9 million guns. The states with the highest number of guns per capita are the states with the highest number of domestic homicides: South Carolina, Tennessee, Nevada, Alaska, Arkansas, Montana and Missouri. With regard to gun violence, the United States is the most dangerous place in the industrialized world for women. Communicating more effectively between social service agencies and law enforcement and disrupting the cycle of violence in the misdemeanor phase could change this narrative and save lives.

About the Author

Rachel Louise Snyder is a journalist and associate professor in creative writing and journalism at the American University in Washington, DC. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, Slate, Salon, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, The Chicago Tribune and The New Republic.

Video & Podcast

The Verbally Abusive Man. Can He Change? A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans

Recommendation

Communication specialist Patricia Evans explores the issue of verbal abuse in heterosexual relationships. She builds on her previous work in The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People by posing the question, “Can a verbally abusive man really change?” What is particularly startling about verbal abuse, Evans explains, is that in almost every case the abuser feels that he is the one being attacked. (Rarely, abusers are female, but such cases aren’t discussed in this book.) Getting him to own up to his damaging behavior is not easy. Motivating him to change is even more difficult. Evans supplies tools you can use to determine if your partner is likely to change and a program that can help him do so, if you think he can alter his abusive behavior. Evans uses her book as a pulpit to preach against unqualified therapists, verbal abuse in all its forms and the male-dominated society that has made such abuse possible. But, her cause is just, and getAbstract recommends this important resource to anyone who is struggling to survive an abusive relationship and to therapists who are seeking solid information.

Take-Aways

• Verbal abuse occurs when a man defines his partner by telling her what she thinks, feels, wants or needs.
• Verbal abuse occurs when a man defines his partner by telling her what she thinks, feels, wants or needs.
• When his partner expresses herself genuinely, the verbal abuser feels “attacked.”
• The verbal abuser is trying to make his actual partner conform to his “dream woman,” the psychological embodiment of his subconscious, separate self.
• Counseling will work only if the therapist recognizes verbal abuse.
• A verbal abuser can change if he is committed and willing to do the work.
• The abuser is more likely to change if he is honest, cherishes his family, functions well in the outside world and is not violent.
• An “Agreement” to change shows the abuser his destructive behavior.
• How the female partner presents the agreement is as important as the agreement itself.
• The victim’s relationship with a verbal abuser can be transformed if he diligently participates in all aspects of the program for change.

The Verbally Abusive Book Summary Summary

Can He Change?

A woman might suffer from verbal abuse for years, yet her abuser may never think of himself as irrational or abusive. In fact, most abusers defend their actions by explaining that their partners attacked them. Before an abuser becomes willing to change his behavior, he must first recognize what he is doing and be motivated to change. Until a verbal abuser is aware, change is not possible. Even after the dawn of awareness, some men will refuse to change. Also, the new behavior of someone who wishes to change won’t last unless he understands his underlying motives. If change is possible, the abuse victim has an instrument to help bring it about, a document called “The Agreement.”

What is Verbal Abuse?

Verbal abuse occurs when an abuser tells his partner what she thinks, feels, wants or needs. In other words, he defines her. He might say, for instance, “You are too sensitive.” By stating this, he is “defining her inner reality and assaulting her consciousness.” In almost all cases, a man perpetrates verbal abuse toward his partner. Women are rarely perpetrators. Categories of verbal abuse include “withholding, countering, discounting, verbal abuse disguised as jokes, blocking and diverting, accusing and blaming, judging and criticizing, trivializing, undermining, threatening, name calling, forgetting, ordering, denial and abusive anger.”

The Dream Woman

A woman suffering from verbal abuse often looks critically at herself to find answers, wondering what she is doing that provokes such a response. Once she understands that the abuse is not her fault and is not the result of something she is doing wrong, she knows that the problem with the relationship does not rest within her.

“The stress of a verbally abusive relationship is unbearable, and no woman expects it to happen to her.”

The verbally abusive man has clear symptoms. He is angry, cold or unresponsive, and will not give a direct answer to a question. He rarely asks his partner how she feels. He defines his partner and does not see her as a separate individual. When she tells him that she is unhappy, hurt or frustrated, he feels assaulted. Why does the fact that his partner is her own person with her own thoughts and feelings make the abuser feel attacked? It’s because every time his partner acts like a “real woman” she displaces his interior “dream woman.” “A dream woman is the personification of the abuser’s unconscious, unintegrated self.”

“When the partner of an abuser knows why her husband or boyfriend does what he does, she finds it much easier to let go of the blame heaped upon her.”

When a boy has to suppress his emotions, he develops a separate internal self. This separate self often involves qualities that are considered feminine. As an adult, he ascribes these qualities to his dream woman. He manipulates and controls his actual partner by using various tactics, such as anger, withholding or trivializing, to shape her into his unintegrated self. When she acts like an independent individual, he feels threatened and attacked. She is not acting like she is “supposed” to, like his dream woman, and he panics because he can’t find the rest of himself. He’ll do anything to keep his dream woman alive in the body of his wife or girlfriend.

Covert and Overt Abuse

The type of behavior the abuser exhibits is influenced by how old he was when he began to create his separate self. For instance, if he was psychologically damaged as a child, his dream woman might be a mother figure. Thus, he’ll treat his partner like a mom. He’ll be comfortable when she performs parental duties, such as paying the bills or attending meetings. However, he’ll ignore her true thoughts and feelings, which he finds threatening. His “covert abuse” could include withdrawing into an angry silence, bursting into a rage or countering her beliefs. In the most extreme instances, this man is a “psychological paraplegic.”

“Most men who verbally abuse their partners have perfected their personas; they have an affable demeanor and they appear to be the nicest people anyone would want to meet.”

The “overt abuser” treats his partner less like “Mom” and more like “Barbie.” His interior dream woman conforms to a teenager’s idea of femininity. He wants to control his real partner, so she will do the same. He tries to do so through ordering, yelling, stalking and denigration. He feels superior to his partner and, therefore, believes he has the right to make decisions for her.

The Right to Counsel

Counseling or therapy can be very helpful for a woman who is recovering from an abusive situation. However, couples counseling will not work when verbal abuse is the issue, because it relies on the premise that both partners see and hear each other. When a therapist does not recognize that verbal abuse is taking place, he or she can cause more damage or intensify the problem. This occurs when the therapist infers to the woman that, “If you were loving, you would be loved,” and that a relationship is a “50-50” thing. Therapists are trained to believe that both partners contribute to problems in a relationship. Yet, this is not the case with verbal abuse.

“I have heard from hundreds of verbally abusive men, and I have never found one who had a kind, nondefining, accepting father.”

When a couple seeks counseling for verbal abuse, they should establish “counseling guidelines” to ensure that the therapist recognizes verbal abuse. Guidelines may include an opening paragraph such as, “Neither of us wants to hear verbal abuse, the defining or characterization of another person, at any time, and especially in a therapeutic setting that is meant for healing and awareness. Therefore, we agree to meet here with the intention that neither one of us covertly or overtly defines or characterizes the other.”

“We need all counselors, therapists and leaders to know about verbal abuse so that people can get the help they need when they need it.”

With counseling guidelines in place, the therapist is alerted to intervene if the abuser makes a controlling statement, such as, “She blows things out of proportion.” The therapist could then respond by saying, “Do you know that statement defines her inner world, judges her perceptions, discounts and denies her experience, assaults her mind and consciousness, and likely leaves her feeling unseen and unheard?” With the use of counseling guidelines, therapy becomes a safe place for victims of verbal abuse.

But Will He Change?

If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, you may want to know, “Can he change?” Some men do change, with the proper commitment and a real willingness to work. If you wonder if your partner is likely to change, consider the probabilities. He is likely to change if he functions well in the outside world, is not violent, does not make threats, is honest, wants to keep his family together, doesn’t want to repeat his father’s mistakes and is not a philanderer. He probably won’t change if he abuses drugs or alcohol, has affairs, exhibits compulsive behavior such as a gambling problem, physically abuses you, blames others for his problems, is cruel to animals or is a loner.

“Being willing to change for his own well-being, to be a better person, not just to ensure that his wife will stay with him, is the highest form of commitment.”

“The Agreement”: An Instrument of Change An abuse victim creates an agreement with two main goals: first, to alert the abuser to his behavior, and second, to have an instrument for working as a couple to conquer the problem of verbal abuse. Even if you have decided to leave the relationship or have already left, you can use this agreement to clarify your reasons for leaving.

“Defining women is so old and pervasive an evil that many men don’t notice when it’s happening.”

Prepare before you write the agreement. Learn about verbal abuse. Build a support system of trusted friends and relatives. Create a complete list of verbally abusive statements your partner has used. Plan how you will present the agreement. Consider presenting it in front of a witness, such as a member of the clergy or a therapist. Pick a quiet place that is not secluded, such as a hotel lobby. Your safety should be a top priority.

“Women who have been in verbally abusive relationships say that the hard part is getting people to believe how bad it was.”

When you present the agreement, bring two tape recorders; one to tape the reading of the agreement and one to record the entire exchange. Read the agreement aloud to your partner, then give him a copy. Ask him to review it and plan to meet again within a week. Allow him to make changes. Then, both of you must sign the agreement. A viable agreement has five parts:

1. Clearly spell out what you both agree not to say, under any circumstances. Include both overt and covert examples of verbal abuse. Example phrases include: “You are (stupid, an idiot, too sensitive, crazy or selfish).” “You are trying to (start a fight, get attention, make me feel bad).” “You think (I don’t know what you’re doing, that you know everything).”
2. Pledge not to make defining statements about each other. For example, “We agree to the above, because neither person is the other nor lives within the other and so cannot know what the other is, thinks, feels, is doing and so forth.”
3. List things that you both consent not to do. For instance, you agree that you will not make threats, walk away while the other person is talking, make decisions without consulting each other or deny abuse by saying you were only joking.
4. Delineate what you both consent to do. Examples include working together to eliminate verbal abuse from your relationship, asking the other person what he or she wants, and using simple manners, such as saying, “Please” and “Thank you.”
5. Address how you should respond if one of you breaks the agreement. For example, if you hear a defining statement, you will exclaim, “What?” “What did you say?” or “What are you doing?”

Agreeing to Change

After seeing the agreement, the verbally abusive man might awaken to his destructive behavior and want to change. Or he may not. However, it is not enough for him to want to change, particularly if he is only making an attempt to keep his partner from leaving. In addition to the will, the abuser needs the tools to change, like the following program. He should take these steps simultaneously, not sequentially, and integrate them into his life:

• Learn about the issue of verbal abuse – Read books and articles about verbal abuse every day and study the concept of the dream woman.
• Get his anger under control – Attending an anger management program is very helpful. However, anger is a symptom of verbal abuse; it is not the underlying cause.
• See a therapist – He needs help to work through the issue of “recovering his unlived self.” By visiting a therapist regularly, the abusive man can begin to process the painful experiences of his childhood that caused him to develop a separate self.
• Learn how to communicate with his partner by writing lists – The verbal abuser needs to write five lists to help him effectively communicate and listen to his partner. The five lists are “engaging questions, understanding and empathetic responses, taking it back, self-revelation and affirmations.”
• Take care of himself – The abusive man should adopt a healthy lifestyle that nurtures his emotional self. He should try to eliminate behaviors such as drinking to excess or gambling. He should eat well and exercise. And, he should begin to let himself feel his true emotions without guilt and begin to “parent” his “inner child.”
• Keep a journal – Keeping a personal diary will help the abuser develop awareness, and monitor his feelings and progress.
• Set aside time for “sacred conversations” – Make appointments to talk with one another one to three hours each week. During these conversations, the abusive man practices listening, sharing, responding and empathizing.

Did it Work?

How can you tell if he’s really changed? First, keep in mind that change takes time. It will also take time for you to regain your trust in your mate. If you notice that he acts kinder, calmer and “relieved,” continues to learn and ask questions about verbal abuse and controlling behaviors, goes to a counselor and shares more about himself, your abuser may be on his way to recovery. However, if he continues to define you, makes excuses, doesn’t seem to fully grasp the nature of his verbal abuse or is unable to empathize or engage with you, he has not changed.

About the Author

Patricia Evans wrote several bestselling books on verbal abuse and is an activist for the cause. She founded an interpersonal communication institute and is a consultant, speaker and facilitator.

Video & Podcast

Stop Spoiling That Man, Turn Your Needy Guy into an Equal, Loving Partner by John B. Arden

Recommendation

Every fulfilling and satisfying relationship requires a bit of give and take. However, if you are responsible for all of the giving and he is enjoying all of the taking, you’re guilty of spoiling your man. Spoiling is not the same as nurturing or loving. Instead, it places his needs above your needs. The spoiled man is happy to let you make all of the decisions, do all of the work and bear the responsibility for maintaining all aspects of your relationship. This unhealthy imbalance will eventually leave you feeling unsettled, unsatisfied and unloved. If your mate has taken up permanent residence on the couch in front of the TV with a snack and a beer (that you gave him), getAbstract suggests that it’s time you read this book. Here, you’ll learn how to recognize the ways in which he manipulates and controls you. You’ll also find strategies to launch an “unspoiling” campaign. Although some of the maneuvers recommended by husband and wife authors John B. Arden and Victoria Arden seem a bit devious, they might just be what your spouse needs to be a mature man, not a pouting prince.

Take-Aways

• A balanced relationship requires the give and take of love and attention.
• A healthy relationship has “Compassion, Openness, Depth and Equality.”
• “Red flags” are the warning signs that your man expects you to spoil him.
• If you don’t do something about it, your spoiled man will make you feel “TRAPped: Tension, Resentment, Anger and Powerlessness.”
• One tactic a man will use to make you spoil him is to play the role of a victim.
• Spoiled men want you to be responsible for their moods.
• His oversensitivity and volatile reactions cause you to “walk on eggshells.”
• Another strategy men use to manipulate is exaggerating or feigning illness or injury.
• Most spoiled men fall into these categories: “Passive Pete, Slippery Sam, Magnificent Mike and Traditional Tom.”
• Don’t play by the spoiled man’s rules. Remain neutral and make him accountable.

Stop Spoiling That Man Book Summary

It Takes Two to Spoil

What is a spoiled man? A spoiled man is the man who demands more than your fair share of attention and participation without giving the same in return. He uses a variety of tactics to control and manipulate you. However, your role as the spoiler is not entirely his fault. For one or more reasons, you are vulnerable to this kind of manipulation. Perhaps your mother spoiled your father. You might have been subjected to abuse of some kind. Alternatively, maybe you feel that even an unequal relationship is better than no relationship.

“The main principle here is that he acts spoiled when he demands more from you than is healthy for you to give.”

To stop spoiling your man, prioritize taking care of yourself. If you are willing to make your needs subservient to the needs of your man, he’ll exploit your selflessness. Of course, there are times in every relationship when one partner is needier than the other is. At these times, it is appropriate to give without expecting anything in return. Yet, a healthy, balanced relationship requires the mutual give and take of love and attention.

“C.O.D.E”

A healthy relationship consists of:

• “Compassion” – This, comprised of “empathy, generosity, patience, warmth and passion,” can be synonymous with love.
• “Openness” – An honest relationship is transparent. The basics of openness are “communication, honesty, receptivity and flexibility.”
• “Depth” – You achieve depth by having common interests, partaking in activities together, developing an emotional rapport, sharing values and being committed to your relationship.
• “Equality” – An equal partnership stands on “mutual respect, balance, reciprocity and shared rights.”

Waving “Red Flags”

A man who demands to be spoiled gives many clues about his intentions. The earlier you spot these “red flags,” the sooner you can plan your strategy to counter his demands. For example, early in her relationship with Peter, Pam caught him in a white lie regarding the reason why he broke a date with her. At their next date, Pam cooked Peter a delicious dinner. Afterwards he made himself comfortable on the couch, expecting her to do the clean up. Pam confronted him on both accounts to help establish equality and honesty right from the start. The longer you ignore red flags such as these, the harder it will be to change your spoiled man’s behavior.

“The question is: Are you going to spoil him? It takes two to spoil: he can’t be spoiled unless someone spoils him.”

One way to stay alert for red flags is to tune in to your feelings. You can identify the common emotions you will experience when dealing with a spoiled man by using the mnemonic: “TRAP: Tension, Resentment, Anger and Powerlessness.” These internal, emotional red flags make you “confused and off-balance,” leaving you vulnerable to his manipulations.

The Argument Dilemma

When you dare to complain about your man’s spoiled behavior, he’ll try to use your anger against you. He’ll point out that you’re “out-of-control” and need to learn how to manage your emotions. He’ll complain that you are “bitchy, a nitpicker, a micromanager or never satisfied.” He’ll make you feel guilty to draw attention away from the reason you became angry in the first place.

“The obvious ones openly demand that you spoil them. Less obvious ones manipulate you into spoiling them by playing on your sympathy or sense of duty.”

To resist letting your man pull you into this no-win ping-pong game of bickering, learn how to argue constructively. Remain calm and stay focused on the issue at hand. Use arguments as opportunities to overcome obstacles and grow together as a couple.

Victim or Victimizer?

One of the tactics spoiled men use to gain attention is to play the victim. However, there is a big difference between being a victim and playing a victim. The spoiled man plays the role with such proficiency that if you dare to question him, he’ll make you feel selfish and guilty.

“Whatever type of spoiled man challenges you, change the rules. Don’t respond by falling into his traps.”

To distinguish between the real victim and the actor, consider if your mate is often wearing the cloak of victimhood. Is he always complaining about how he is mistreated? Do you find yourself defending him when it is unnecessary? Are his feelings wounded easily? Playing the underdog keeps him at the center of your universe with your needs on the periphery. Release yourself of the burden of always protecting your mate. Instead of sympathizing, keep your reactions neutral. Show surprise when he points out that he is the injured party in a situation when he clearly is not. Ask questions that reveal he is merely acting the role of victim to keep his needs center stage.

Mood Management

A spoiled man will make you responsible for his moods. Heaven forbid something happens to make him unhappy! He expects you to bend over backward to keep him on an even keel. Beth experienced this emotional blackmail from Steve, her husband of four years. The effort it took to make him happy was exhausting. Not only did she bear the weight of his mood management, she also made all of their plans and carried most of the conversation. Steve would always reserve the right to complain, however. Finally, she had enough.

“…begin your relationship with clearly articulated expectations. If you don’t like a behavior, don’t remain quiet.”

One day, Beth suggested Steve join her for a hike. When he began to complain, she didn’t try to convince him he would have a good time. Instead, she agreed and suggested that he stay home. Steve complained about the traffic, the weather and even the music on the radio. When Steve complained about the hiking trail Beth picked, she decided to continue without him. At first, she felt guilty, but soon enjoyed a complaint-free climb up the mountain. It would take Beth many months and much effort, but she followed these steps to shift the responsibility for Steve’s moods back on Steve.

• Maintain your usual behavior despite his moods.
• Refuse to take responsibility for his moods.
• Simply back off and let his temper backfire on him.
• Go and do something you enjoy – alone. Don’t let him ruin your fun.

“Being in a relationship with you should include all of you, even your symptoms of stress and sadness. If you hide those feelings, you’re spoiling him.”

Your spoiled man’s overwhelming pessimism is a ploy to keep you in the role of unrelenting optimist. While you do all of the work to find the silver lining, he indulges his grumpiness. Don’t play his game! Keep your optimism to yourself and let him find his own sunshine.

“Walking on Eggshells”

“Walking on eggshells” is a tactic a spoiled man uses to keep you in line and on your toes. His oversensitivity works like eggshells scattered all around him. You never know when you’ll step on one and hurt his feelings. The fear of shattering eggshells prohibits you from criticizing or even questioning his behavior. How do you stop avoiding his eggshells? Step right on them and when he acts hurt or indignant, act confused. After all, why is he responding disproportionately to your behavior? When he becomes angry, remain neutral. Your goal is to cause him to doubt himself and his volatile behavior.

Sick and Tired

If your mate is injured or ill, he certainly needs extra help and attention. The hypochondriac, however, uses his illness (or fake illness) to cause you to cater to him. Heidi experienced this first hand when her husband, Ben, hurt his back on the job. When he first was injured, Heidi took on most of the household responsibilities as well as a second job. However, Ben made no effort to recuperate. He disregarded the doctor’s advice and refused to get up from the couch using his back pain as an excuse.

“A spoiled man wants his emotional climate to dominate, so when he’s down in the dumps, he wants you to be down, too.”

Spoiled men often ignore the advice of their doctors and even exhibit counterproductive behavior. They ask for attention even if their wives have succumbed to the same illness and refuse to do things themselves. What steps could Heidi take to prevent Ben from using his injury to take advantage of her sympathies?

• “Keep your sympathy appropriate to the reality of his illness or injury.”
• “Grant no special favors that appear to be beyond the reality of his condition.”
• “When he tries to bring the focus back to himself with endless complaints, don’t engage in a conversation with him about it.”
• “Center your focus on the entirety of your relationship.”

The Four Types of Spoiled Men

Spoiled men fall into four main categories: “Passive Pete, Slippery Sam, Magnificent Mike and Traditional Tom.”

“Don’t forget that you have every right to be safe and happy in your relationship.”

Passive Pete is the embodiment of what psychologists call passive-aggressive behavior. He uses his passivity to manipulate you into making all of the decisions and doing the lion’s share of the work. Passive Pete doesn’t overtly demand that you spoil him, but he’ll drain your energy and enthusiasm just the same.

“Your job is to behave toward him as you hope he will behave toward you.”

What can you do to take the “passive” out of Pete? First, identify his modus operandi. Does he often make you feel guilty, impatient or sorry for him? Next, try not to step in and take care of the things he can do for himself. Think of ways to enable him to take action and praise him when he does. Lastly, when he complains about the decisions you make, don’t respond.

“Balance in a relationship can go from side-to-side like a seesaw but you need a central balancing point.”

Slippery Sam uses his charm, wit and charisma to keep you off-balance. He misuses your trust by lying, rewriting history, omitting facts or keeping secrets. If your partner is a Slippery Sam, don’t let him evade the consequences of his actions. Learn how to discern between the product of his silver tongue and the truth. Remain intent on the issues, not the emotions. Your clarity will blow away Slippery Sam’s smokescreen.

“He gets you to do the work in the relationship because he doesn’t want the responsibility.”

Magnificent Mike is very special. So special, in fact, that he is better than you and everyone else! He thinks the sun revolves around him, placing him far above your scrutiny. Magnificent Mike wants your relationship to be unequal; he’s number one and you’re number two. Place your relationship on equal footing by acknowledging, or forcing him to acknowledge, that you are both unique individuals with special talents. Take care of him, but demand that he takes care of you, too. If he doesn’t, withdraw your attention until he does. Lastly, let him know that if he insists on being number one you’ll take it one-step further. He’ll become number zero.

“The spoiled man was probably drawn to you for your positive outlook and your responsible nature. But what do you get in return?”

Traditional Tom might call himself old-fashioned, but he’s really a sexist, spoiled baby using tradition, culture or religion to keep you in a secondary position. If he cites “God’s Will” as an excuse to keep you subservient, remember that there are many ways to interpret a religious text. Point out that you believe in a different interpretation; one that doesn’t subjugate women. Let him know that you desire mutual respect, partnership and equality in a relationship. Draw support from your friends, family and religious organization. Don’t take the bait if he tries to attach a negative label to your behavior, such as “crazy feminist.”

Not every spoiled man will fall neatly into one of the above categories. In fact, he might be a combination of one, two or even three, such as a Passive, Magnificent, Traditional PeteMikeTom. Regardless, he uses various strategies to keep you off-balance and manipulate you into giving more than is fair in a healthy relationship. What makes this particularly repugnant is that it is your love for him that makes you vulnerable to his selfish shenanigans.

About the Author

John B. Arden, Ph.D., is an author, counselor, teacher and director of mental-health training in Northern California. He has more than two decades of experience in counseling couples. Victoria Arden, M.A. is an art educator, mother and mental-health professional.

Office Mate, Your Employee Handbook for Finding – and Managing – Romance on the Job by Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen

Recommendation

Common ground is a necessary starting point for any relationship. So, why go to a bar to meet a potential mate? Instead, search for love in a more familiar place: your office. An office works like a community where people know each other well. Individuals also act and look most like themselves in the office. Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen, who met their spouses at work, express their enthusiasm for finding love there. They guide hard-working singles through the low-lit halls of the office to find love among the cubicles and conference rooms. getAbstract recommends their warm and practical approach, and praises the care they’ve taken with sexual harassment issues.

Take-Aways

• The office represents a “physical community” where co-workers can meet mates.
• As employees work more and more hours, their colleagues begin to make up their social circles.
• In 1965, 65% of people socialized outside of work; that dropped to 39% by 1995.
• Unless a policy indicates otherwise, feel free to ask a co-worker on a date.
• Be discreet when dating a co-worker.
• Don’t alienate or ditch your colleagues.
• If the relationship continues for several weeks, check your company’s policy on dating and, if necessary, inform a supervisor.
• Should the relationship fail, remain professional and civil.
• If the situation turns sour, consider a transfer to another department or office.
• When interviewing for a new job, cite your career, and not an unsuccessful romance, as a reason for leaving.

Office Mate Book Summary

“The Modern-Day Village”

More than 100 years ago, people met their partners through their village communities. They knew enough about their neighbors to make good matches. Today, with many working weeks topping 50 hours, employees have little time for socializing outside the workplace, so the office has now come to represent that close-knit village.

“When it comes to finding love, there’s no place like the office.”

The office environment contains none of the pressures that accompany blind dates or speed dating. Employees can afford the time to get to know each other. So, if they date and it doesn’t work out, what do they do? The same thing that happened more than a century ago when the villagers broke it off – they moved on, but without choosing to move to other towns to avoid each other.

“It’s an absolute myth that all Human Resources professionals are uniformly opposed to office romance.”

Internet dating services work fine for many people, but they miss something by relying only on facts. Two “opposites” may never consider dating if they come across each other’s profiles on a dating site, yet one of the authors of the book remains happily married to her opposite. Besides, the Internet opens the door for fibbing about height, weight and looks.

If You Can’t Beat ’Em…

Research shows that office romance isn’t taboo. Two studies, one by book publisher The Vault and the other by Careerbuilder, report that half of the respondents had dated co-workers. The Vault’s survey also revealed that one in five people said they went out with a superior. Of those who reported dating co-workers in the Careerbuilder survey, 30% said they had married.

“Unattainability is one of the most effective aphrodisiacs there is.”

Office dating comes with its own matchmaker: the human resources (HR) department. The HR staff checks prospective employees before the company hires them. Corporate screening processes also ensure the right people make it into the company, hence making them good “marriage material.” A survey of human resources personnel reported that fewer than 5% believe in prohibiting office romance.

Nabbing a Mate in the Office

The first rule of attracting interest is to play hard to get. As Groucho Marx explained, “I refuse to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” Here are six guidelines suited to the office environment:

1. “There’s no need to attempt to manipulate men into chasing you” – Women might consciously or subconsciously play hard to get when they consider how dating a co-worker could affect their careers, promotions and relationships. This extra obstacle helps steer women clear of the wrong men and also “heightens the interest” of suitable partners.
2. “In the office, you don’t have to pretend you’re otherwise occupied to give the relationship time to develop” – Getting to know someone at the office skips unwritten rules that confound couples who don’t know whether to kiss on the first date or to take it slowly.
3. “Don’t date him if his actions in the office don’t conform to your values” – Office romances often move more slowly than other romances, giving individuals the time to learn about each other’s values and personality.
4. “No need to make any judgments based on first impressions – you can get all the impressions you want” – Don’t judge a book by its cover. Give people with opposite interests a chance.
5. “Go ahead and look for someone like yourself – now you have the chance to find him” – Since time pressure isn’t a factor in office romances, people can learn what others like by listening to conversations and asking questions. It’s perfectly fine for a woman to start the conversation.
6. “Be your everyday self” – Your intended office mate is already familiar with and a fan of the regular “Monday to Friday” you.

How to Show Interest

Asking someone on a date takes more effort in the office because it could result in embarrassment or affect the other person’s job. Follow these recommendations to do it discreetly:

• “Take it outside” – Find a way to get together away from the office, such as going for coffee.
• “When all else fails, try happy hour” – Meet the gang after work in a relaxed setting. It’s a good opportunity to talk one-on-one with your potential mate.
• “Be yourself, really” – If you’re the type to make the first move, do so. Otherwise, signal that you’re receptive to an advance.
• “Don’t ask co-workers for an assist” – Don’t do the middle school thing and ask a co-worker to find out if the person likes you.
• “Don’t indicate your interest via e-mail” – Realize that e-mails belong to the company, can be forwarded and never die even if you delete them. Write a note and deliver it by hand.
• “No games, please, we’re adults” – Skip the secret-admirer routine and be frank.
• “Keep it verbal” – Show interest through words, not through actions, unless you want to tangle with sexual harassment.
• “Take no for an answer” – Prepare yourself for possible rejection. However, even if the person says no, it doesn’t mean all is lost. In one case, a man had to apologize for making a drunken pass at a co-worker and, even so, they ended up married.
• “Don’t violate sexual harassment laws” – Two types of sexual harassment exist. One is quid pro quo, which involves a supervisor asking a subordinate for a sexual favor in exchange for something career-related. The more common type involves creating a “hostile work environment” where employees make “unwelcome” sexual advances or engage in chitchat (including jokes).

“Be afraid of the possibility that all you really have in common is your toxic workplace or your treacherous boss.”

Colleagues can serve as matchmakers since they know the two potential mates well. They notice things that the pair might not, such as one hanging around the other person’s cubicle or always asking their object of affection for help that others could provide. Since you know and trust your colleagues, you’re likely to trust their recommendations for potential partners, too.

“Office Spouses”

Office spouses aren’t actually married to each other. Rather, they work closely together without competing and could even be best friends. Even married people, such as U.S. President George Bush, have office spouses. He was “married” to communications advisor Karen Hughes. When Hughes returned home to Texas, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice took her place.

“Seriously, who said every relationship worth having has to end in marriage?”

Such office spouses share the joys and pains of work. Legal spouses might tire of hearing complaints about work or fail to understand the situation, whereas office spouses simply get it. This arrangement could blossom for two single people.

After Falling in Love

Finding the right mate at work is only half the equation. The other half is managing the relationship at work, so neither person gets fired. First, the mates need to see if they have enough in common. Do they have friends outside work? Do they talk about more than just projects and co-workers? They need to find further common ground by discussing hobbies, families and other nonwork related topics.

“Dating at the workplace does not have to set back the feminist movement.”

Office mates must take care not to neglect their co-workers by spending all of their time together. It helps to continue whatever activities they usually share with their colleagues. Being the subject of gossip creates a challenge for dating office mates. If co-workers spot the pair outside of work, then the gossip machine might start rolling.

“Just because you choose not to tell the office gang that you’re dating one of their own doesn’t mean they don’t know already.”

While the office makes a good place for meeting a mate, it’s not the place for arguing, visiting each other’s offices often or showing public displays of affection. Defying this advice means looking unprofessional and giving co-workers fodder for water-cooler banter.

Boss-Subordinate Dating

The Vault’s 2007 study reports that 19% of workers have dated the boss and 15% have dated subordinates. A boss-subordinate relationship could cause suspicions of favoritism with regard to salary increases and promotions. Regardless of what the heart thinks, those considering a boss-subordinate relationship must think hard before making the first step. Verify the company’s rules for dating, since some companies dismiss employees for that. The policy might include rules for disclosing the relationship.

“As with any other job, people on movie sets, on concert tour buses, or in the corner office find it”

So how do bosses and subordinates reach the stage of going on a date? They should disclose their feelings in a direct way, using work-related and nonwork-related terms. For example, “It always impresses me how you handle difficult situations like that. I’d love to find out more about how you approach them. Would you like to go for a drink after work sometime?”

“So whatever the office, after three workplace relationships you should either get married or give serious consideration to finding another workplace.”

If the first date is successful, continue the relationship discreetly. Do not engage in pillow talk with each other about work. Don’t share or dig for information about co-workers. Colleagues might cry foul if the boss assigns the good projects to the subordinate he or she is dating. Furthermore, if the subordinate earns a well-deserved promotion, others might believe otherwise. If they are still dating after a few weeks, and no one has gotten in trouble, the boss and subordinate should tell a supervisor about their situation. However, if the relationship ends early-on, they needn’t report it.

“Dating an equal often means dating the competition.”

No one wants to think about the end of a relationship when it has just started. In the case of office romance, the pair should discuss what should happen if they break up. This means establishing ground rules, such as telling others about the break-up, what the couple can and can’t share about their relationship, and forbidding any accusations in the office.

Dating a Co-Worker

A boss-subordinate relationship makes dating an equal look tame, but equals compete for the same projects and opportunities. If one lands a trip or an exciting project, can the other avoid jealousy? Furthermore, couples can’t save each other when under fire or in difficult situations. They must remain neutral. If a conflict of interest arises, disclose the relationship and see if a transfer is available.

“Do not leave your job so that someone who has not shown interest in a romantic relationship with you will come to his senses.”

Although almost 20% of office workers admitted to fooling around at the office, it can end very badly. Steer clear of it unless you want to risk seeing security-camera footage of yourself at the staff end-of-year party. Additionally, shun adultery. It leads to negative, life-changing consequences.

When It’s Over

When you tell your office mate that you want to break up, take the tactful approach, regardless of the person’s personality. Otherwise you risk a blow up or embarrassment. Say something like, “We’re a good team at work, but not so great as a couple.”

“You should know as many people in your profession as you can, both to learn how to make your own career move along more quickly and to create opportunities for your company.”

If you find yourself cut loose, keep your cool. Don’t cry at work, including in the bathroom. Avoid using co-workers as mediators or writing about the relationship in e-mails. Don’t date someone else from the office too soon afterward and don’t bring it to the HR staff’s attention unless the situation meets the definition of sexual harassment. Reintegrate yourself into your group of colleagues.

However, if the situation isn’t bearable, a transfer to another position, department or city might be the answer. Provide a reason that doesn’t relate to the relationship, for example the recent departure of the accountant in your desired transfer office. If you think it might help, try talking directly to your ex and explaining that uncivil behavior affects both your reputations. Unfortunately, in some cases, a break-up might lead to you leaving or losing your job.

About the Authors

Stephanie Losee has written for Fortune and San Francisco Chronicle Magazine. Helaine Olen has written for Wall Street Journal, Variety, and The Washington Post. Both authors met their spouses at work.

Video & Podcast

It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown, Celebrate Getting Over the Big One and Changing Your Life – for Good! By Lisa Steadman

Recommendation

If you tend to endure a breakup holed up in your room in comfy PJs, then this summary recommends that you place this survival guide next to your chick flick DVDs, high-priced chocolates and box of tissues. This girl-power book by Lisa Steadman, nicknamed “The Relationship Journalist,” reads like a long “You go, girl!” exclamation. Steadman explains that you can use the “big breakup” experience to become more fabulous than before you met Mr. Wrong. All it takes is a little fortitude and a lot of self-focused behavior. If you want to indulge in a cryfest, a new pair of boots or a bit of spoiling by mom, Steadman says, “Do it!” The goal, however, is to emerge from your breakup with a better understanding of what you need and want and how to make it happen. Use your breakup as a vehicle to learn about yourself and embrace your single status as an opportunity to make valuable changes. One gentle caution: Steadman’s basic intent is to offer a good laugh, some female bonding and a warm hug, not a serious, therapeutic method of overcoming a trauma.

Take-Aways

• Every breakup, big or small, teaches you valuable lessons about yourself.
• Once a relationship is over, divest yourself of anything that reminds you of your ex.
• Just as there are all kinds of breakups, there are also varieties of ways to handle them.
• Your “Boo-Hoo Crew” is three or four of your closest, most reliable and understanding friends who will help you through your breakup.
• Rather than invest your energy in a rebound affair, invest it in yourself.
• Recovering from the “big breakup” is much like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
• After surviving the initial devastation of your breakup, you’re ready to move on.
• Embrace the new, single you and use it as a time to make positive changes in your life.
• The lessons you’ve learned from your big breakup will help you to “date smarter.”
• There is no knight in shining armor. The only one who can make you feel happy, whole and fulfilled is you.

It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown Book Summary

The “Big Breakup”

You can learn valuable lessons about yourself from every breakup. Regardless of whether you initiated the split or had your heart handed back to you, the fact is that the relationship was no longer working. Breakups are painful and big breakups hurt most of all. However, once you are free from the pain you are also free to be the best you’ve ever been. Every breakup leaves its mark. You are no longer the same person you were when you entered the relationship. The breakup forces you to look at yourself with a critical eye and ask some life-altering questions such as, “What do I truly want?” and “What really makes me happy?”

“All breakups are significant in some way because of what they ultimately teach us about ourselves.”

You might have been with your ex for months, years or even decades. You may have exchanged vows, bought a home and had children. Alternatively, you might only have been dating for months, but you felt as if you had found “the one.” If you feel as if this is the big breakup, it is. But remember – you will survive and emerge stronger than you might have thought possible. So, “congratulations on your breakup!” One day soon, your heart will mend, your ex will be a part of your past and you’ll be even more fabulous.

“It’s called a breakup because you’re breaking up with a relationship that’s no longer working and moving on to a life better suited for you.”

Breakup Rules

1. Don’t have sex with your ex – Even if you want to. Even if you think it’s harmless and just a little fun. If you are sleeping with your ex, you can’t move on.
2. Curtail all contact with Mr. Ex – Delete his phone number from your cell, stop all instant and text messaging, and screen his calls. You might wonder if it is possible to have a friendly relationship with your ex. The answer is, probably not. Remove him from your life, work on getting over him and then move on.
3. Let the messages go – Delete the old messages and wait for someone better to call.
4. Don’t take that call – Do not listen to old voicemail messages from your ex. If he tries to contact you, be resolute and refer to Breakup Rule #2.

“Sure, breakups are painful, but they’re also freeing and fabulous because they free us up to be our most fabulous selves.”

If you can’t avoid contact with your ex, establish boundaries and limit your discussions to necessary topics, such as childcare or finances. If you were living together at the time of the big breakup, move out as soon as possible. Pack and move when your ex isn’t home. If he’s doing the moving, allow him the same courtesy and stay out of the way.

“The truth is all breakups change us in some way. And the big breakup changes everything.”

In fact, “breakups are like bandaids.” The only way to make a clean break is to rip them off quickly. Sure, it will hurt. If you stick around to give it just one more chance, though, you’re dragging out the inevitable and prolonging the pain. Once you are on your own again, “exorcise your ex” by:

• Disposing of any and all of his stuff. Give it away, donate it or throw it in the trash, but do not hang on to old photos, his favorite coffee mug or his aftershave.
• Buy some sage at your local New Age store and cleanse your home by “smudging.”
• Feng Shui your place to suit yourself. If you always wanted to put the couch under the windows, now is the time to do it.
• Buy a few new items that make you happy, like a pretty print or a girly bedspread.
• Spread out and take over the entire bed. There’s no your side or his side any longer.

The Big Breakup Spectrum

Big breakups resemble natural disasters. The “Earthquake” breakup starts with a few rumbles and then, BOOM; he pulls your life out from under you. With the “Avalanche” breakup, you’re cruising along and the next thing you know, up is down and down is up. The “Tornado” breakup builds within both of you until the crescendo tears everything apart.

“Walking away after a breakup can be one of the hardest things you ever do.”

Just as there are all kinds of breakups, there are different ways to handle those first, terrible days. Here are just a few post-breakup possibilities:

• “The Solitary Slump” – Hibernate in your room with a stock of comfort food, chick flicks, sentimental music, your favorite old sweats and several boxes of tissues.
• “The Shopping Slump” – Feel better immediately by buying some new clothes and accessories, treating yourself to a manicure or massage and then hitting the shoe stores.
• “The Escapist Slump” – Get away from home and your memories of him by spending a few days at a spa, vacation home or some warm, lovely spot on the beach.
• “The Fetal Position Slump” – No one takes care of you like Mom, so how about a visit home for a few days?
• “The Scary Slump” – Are you so angry you can’t think of anything else? Vent by taking a martial arts class, buying a voodoo doll or shredding every picture taken with your ex.
• “The Pity Party Slump” – Don’t fight it, wallow in it. Feel sorry for yourself in a big way. Cry over every picture and watch The Way We Were for the millionth time.

“The only way to get over a breakup is to get through it and move on.”

The old saying goes, “Misery loves company,” but right after the big breakup, misery needs company, the company of your “Boo-Hoo Crew” that is. Your boo-hoo crew consists of your closest, most reliable and extremely patient “BFFs” (Best Friends Forever). These are the girls who will help you through even the darkest, most desperate times as you mourn the loss of your ex.

On the Rebound

You might be indulging in fantasies of revenge, or staying up into the wee hours mourning the loss of your mutual friends or the relationship you developed with his mother. These feelings are natural. After all, it’s hard to handle the big breakup and the baggage that accompanies it. Although you may wish to get through it with dignity and class, everyone falters now and again.

“If you just can’t get on board with your life as it is, chances are that no man’s going to be able to fix that.”

Some women follow the old adage, “The only way to get over a man is with a new man.” Although the rebound relationship might distract you temporarily, ultimately it won’t help you work through the emotional garbage you’re hauling around from the big breakup. If you do decide to bounce back with a rebound relationship, remember to be honest about your expectations and intentions and “always practice safe sex.”

“Just because your relationship is over doesn’t mean your feelings are.”

However, rather than invest your energies in a rebound affair, why not invest them where they belong — in you. Make a list of all the things you want to do now that you’re single. Include everything you can think of such as traveling to a new place, getting a cool haircut, learning another language, taking up the piano or enrolling in an adult education course. And, while you’re in list-writing mode, begin another one. This is your “Fabulous Factor” list. Start by writing down at least 10 wonderful things about yourself. Perhaps you have a great smile or make delicious oatmeal raisin cookies. Add new items as you progress through the recovery process.

“In embracing where you are in life today, you are not waiting for some guy to complete you.”

Next, make a list of things to do when you’re feeling down or lonely. You’ll be experiencing highs and lows as you travel through your breakup recuperation period. Use this list of activities on the days you’re feeling particularly low. Suggestions include seeing a movie, taking a long drive, getting a pedicure or finally taking that salsa dancing class.

“Movin’ On Mode”

Just as the beautiful butterfly begins as a caterpillar, the new, more fabulous you takes time to form and emerge. As a caterpillar, your biggest accomplishment is just the fact that you’ve survived the big breakup. You’re still here and a wonderful life stretches out in front of you. As you get ready to embrace it, gather your inner strength by volunteering, confronting a fear or pursuing a dream. Cocoon mode is a time for healing. Don’t hurry this process. Spoil yourself as you marshal your resources. When you emerge as a butterfly, you’ll be ready to move on.

“Before you can really put yourself out there and attract healthy, happy, whole individuals, you first have to be healthy, happy, and whole on your own.”

The following are some suggestions for butterfly activities:

• Put on your highest heels, grab the boo-hoo crew and go to the hippest club in town.
• Don’t walk by the woman offering a makeover at the cosmetic counter.
• Head to the great outdoors. Enjoy the park, the beach, a bike ride or a hike.
• Do something silly and fun. Spend the day at the local amusement park or just swinging on the swings at the playground on the corner.
• Don’t sit and watch the karaoke singers. Get up there and belt out your favorite song.

Celebrate Your Singlehood

Become the “keeper of your healed heart.” Being single doesn’t mean that you’ll never have the relationship you desire. It just means that right now you are unencumbered and have the freedom to make your life as good as it can be. If there is something in your life you are unhappy with, such as your job or the place where you live, this is the perfect time to change it.

“The truth is that each and every one of us deserves to love and be loved for exactly who we are, flaws, neuroses, warts and all.”

Now, rename the boo-hoo crew your “Woo-Hoo Crew” and start going out with your gal pals. Here are some terms that you might need to know:

• “Target-Rich Environment” – Any place that single men hang out, whether it’s the local sports bar, the golf course, an art opening or the line for a ski lift.
• “The Scarcity Excuse” – You’ve heard the saying that there are no good single men left. This is simply not true. There are great, single men everywhere. All you need to do to prove it is to learn how to start a conversation. Once you master this basic art, you’ll find men to talk to everywhere.
• “The Numbers Game” – It’s reassuring to know that if you date enough guys, one of them is bound to be just right for you.
• “Wing Girl” – This is the woo-hoo crew girl with whom to go to target-rich places.

Dating Dos and Don’ts

You’re reconciled to your big breakup and have learned from it and now you’re ready to date. You’ve taken care of your heart, your head and all of your other body parts. You also are clear about the kind of man you want and, more importantly, the kind of man you don’t want. Although you realize that finding Mr. Right is in many ways a numbers game, there’s no reason to date too many Mr. Wrongs. Don’t date more, just date smart. Follow the following six steps:

1. “Be clear about what you want” – Why waste your time or his? If you’re interested in a casual relationship and he’s looking for the mother of his children, it’s not going to work.
2. “Pay attention” – Actions do speak louder than words. If he tells you he wants to settle down as he gives your waitress the once-over, chances are he’s not what he says he is.
3. “Learn your lessons” – If you keep falling for the wrong guy, the problem might be yours, not his. Learn from your mistakes and avoid repeating them in your dating future.
4. “Date Yourself” – If you were a guy, would you want to go out with you? When you are confident, you will attract the right type of partner.
5. “Retrain your brain” – You are what you think you are. Self-defeating thoughts keep you from being happy. Identify negative thought patterns and replace them with positive ones.
6. “Get out there” – You won’t meet Mr. Right sitting at home, unless he happens to be the pizza delivery guy. Use the internet and frequent target-rich environments.

A Thing of Your Past

Finally, that day has arrived. The day you don’t wake up thinking of your ex. The day you give yourself permission to be happy and to open your heart to every possibility. And it’s the day you decide to stop waiting for your knight in shining armor. He doesn’t exist. The only one who can make you happy and give you the life you want is you. The funny thing is, as soon as you’re happiest being who you are on your own, you just might meet Mr. Right.

About the Author

Lisa Steadman is founder of a Web site forum for those suffering from the demise of a relationship. She has been a guest on several radio and television talk shows.

Video & Podcast

Divorce & New Beginnings, A Complete Guide to Recovery, Solo Parenting, Co-Parenting, and Stepfamilies by Genevieve Clapp

Recommendation

This is an ambitious book. Author Genevieve Clapp, Ph.D., tackles the divorce process from the practical to the emotional. She guides you through the initial breakup, the intense emotional aftermath, the return to single life and the challenges facing stepfamilies. Dr. Clapp also gives solid, actionable advice about co-parenting and helping your children handle the rupture in their lives. Although the book is hampered by endless repetition, and the constant citation of studies and research, this same weakness enables you to use it as a reference. You can read only the chapters that pertain to your situation and still get all the necessary information. getAbstract recommends Clapp’s all-inclusive guide to anyone contemplating a breakup, in the midst of a divorce, or newly single.

Take-Aways

• Divorce mangles the lives of everyone involved.
• Divorce occurs in three stages: “Preseparation, transition and recovery-rebuilding.”
• Several strategies can help you manage the destructive emotions that are often related to divorce, such as stress, anxiety, anger and depression.
• Going through an “emotional divorce” enables you to accept the end of your marriage and begin a new chapter in your life.
• Divorce ends the life that children have always known and trusted.
• Practicing consistent, positive parenting can prevent your children from developing ongoing problems that stem from a divorce.
• Prolonged parental conflict is the main cause of a child’s poor long-term adjustment.
• Learn to communicate with your former partner as a co-parent rather than a spouse.
• You can follow the “Parenting Plan” as your blueprint for co-parenting after a divorce.
• Stepfamilies can use multiple strategies to facilitate the “blending” process.

Divorce & New Beginnings Book Summary

Divorce – It’s Never Easy

Most divorces are tremendously difficult for everyone involved. In fact, research shows that most people need at least two years after a separation to regain their equilibrium. Divorce wreaks havoc with your life and, at times, the losses seem unbearable. Everything changes. Your lifestyle, plans, identity and even financial security may never be the same again. Emotions such as anger, resentment, sadness and depression bombard you, yet at times you might feel elated or filled with a new sense of freedom.

The Three Stages of Divorce

A divorce is not a single event. It sets many things in motion, each with its own changes and challenges. The process consists of three stages: “preseparation, transition and recovery-rebuilding.” Preseparation, or the time leading up to a divorce, can take place over months or even years. Some people try counseling and periods of negotiation, while the end of a marriage takes others completely by surprise. Many people experience feelings of alienation, hopelessness and anger.

“Divorce requires more readjustment and reorganization than any other stressful life event…except for the death of a spouse.”

The transition stage begins upon separation and is marked by emotion and trauma. It is the leave-taking of one life and the emergence into an unknown future. This phase can be a “waking nightmare.” Feelings of inadequacy, failure or loneliness assault the newly divorced. Some are overwhelmed by anger and bitterness. Even those who wanted out of the marriage cannot escape feelings of guilt and stress. At some point though, the emotions even out. Hope re-enters the picture. People often begin to try unfamiliar things and seek new experiences, looking to take their lives in a fresh direction. Usually around two years after a separation, a divorced person enters the recovery-rebuilding stage. He or she accepts the end of the marriage and begins a new life, no longer wrapped up in the former spouse. Now independent, the man or woman adopts new priorities, and changes his or her lifestyle. This process often takes place in fits and starts, but eventually a new life emerges.

Weathering the Storm

Stress, anxiety, sadness, depression and anger are common emotions among the newly divorced, who should try to avoid any other life-altering changes. Certain relaxation techniques can help decrease the tension in your body. For example, try autogenic breathing, a process of inhaling slowly for four seconds, holding your breath for two and then exhaling for four seconds. Repeat this process for 20 minutes to experience its full benefits. Regular aerobic exercise increases your energy, decreases depression and improves your self-esteem.

“Whether one leaves or is left may not affect how rapidly he or she recovers from divorce.”

To tackle anxiety, write down concerns as they occur to you. Prioritize your problems and deal with only a few at a time. Record your feelings and thoughts in a journal. Distract yourself with fun activities like crossword puzzles. If needed, seek professional help, such as counseling.

Depression and Anger

Realize that grieving and a brief period of depression are normal. Experience and acknowledge your feelings of loss and sadness. Activity is the best cure. Make a list of activities that you find enjoyable and get started. Exercise, socialize, complete tasks one at a time, and take care of yourself and your appearance.

“Sadness is a normal, expected and healthy emotion in divorce.”

Sometimes divorced people are overwhelmed by the amount of anger they feel toward their exes. This rage wells from a spring of disappointment, frustration, helplessness and humiliation. It also stems from feelings of betrayal or unrequited love, as well as a new uncertainty about the future. Some of this anger is normal and healthy. But too much anger, or anger that continues well after the divorce, is self-defeating. Use these techniques to diffuse it:

• Write a letter telling off your former spouse, but do not mail it.
• Expend your anger via exercise.
• Find constructive outlets for your negative energy.
• Talk about your feelings rather than allowing them to grow and fester.
• Write about what you are experiencing in a diary.
• Cry, scream, yell or hit your pillow.

Letting Go

In addition to your legal divorce, you need to undergo an “emotional divorce.” This process allows you to accept the dissolution of your marriage and let go of your emotional baggage. Begin by announcing your divorce to your family, friends and associates. Put away “painful memorabilia” such as photos and gifts. Disengage emotionally from your ex-spouse, limiting conversations to necessary subjects, such as caring for your children or dividing belongings. Set aside your hopes of reconciliation. Allow yourself time to mourn the end of your marriage. Finally, try to let go of your anger and experience the healing power of forgiveness.

What About the Children?

To children, divorce means that the life they have always known is about to end. With divorce, children lose their families, their support systems and their stability. Children grow up believing that their families are permanent. When this belief is shattered, children experience rejection, sadness, stress, loneliness, powerlessness and guilt. Many children also witness the evidence of their parents’ anger, such as volatile conflict and argument. Their relationships with their individual parents change; often, contact with one parent becomes limited. The disruption of a child’s daily routine, rules and discipline, causes increased anxiety and insecurity. Statistics show that, eventually, most children adjust to divorce. Yet the majority encounters short-term problems and a “significant minority” develops long-term issues.

“As you come to accept that your marriage is truly over, a dam may seem to break inside you, spilling out a torrent of anger – or perhaps even rage.”

To avoid long-range problems, both parents must maintain a close connection with the children. A stable home environment and strong, positive parenting are also important. Good parenting in a divorced household requires the following from the parents: “warmth, nurturance and respect”; “open communication”; “support and responsiveness”; “clear expectations, limits and rules”; “monitoring of the children’s behavior”; “positive discipline” and “predictable routines.”

Telling Your Children

Tell your children about the divorce only when the decision is final. Both parents should tell all of their children together. Provide the kids with a few basic reasons for the divorce without assigning blame. Let them know how their lives will change. Lastly, reassure them that both parents love each one of them and that they are in no way responsible for the divorce.

“Research findings are so damning that prolonged parental conflict is now considered by most experts to be the number one predictor of children’s poor adjustment after divorce.”

Encourage your children to ask questions. Then, answer them patiently. Help them understand their feelings. Do everything you can to provide a stable home environment with predictable routines. Practice the rules of strong parenting. Finally, don’t expect your children to act like adults. Resist using them as confidants or companions, or asking them to assume parental responsibilities.

Conflict

Divorce research shows that prolonged parental conflict is the main cause of children’s poor adjustment to a divorce. Children of any age suffer when their parents engage in angry, emotional conflict. They feel caught between the two people they love most in the world. They experience painful “loyalty conflicts,” feeling forced to choose between one parent and the other. When parents use kids as messengers, pump their children for information about the former spouse or disparage each other, their children feel torn apart.

“Ideally, your children will have two parents to parent them, which means that you need to make co-parenting a priority.”

Follow these steps to reduce conflict and help your children adjust to your divorce: Stick to your parenting schedule. Do not discuss parenting issues in front of your kids. Exchange children at a neutral site, such as at school or childcare. Make transitions easier for your children by developing leaving rituals, allowing them to bring a favorite toy and maintaining consistency in each home. Try to limit the number of transitions. Never force them to choose a parent. Treat interactions with your former spouse in a businesslike manner.

New Ways to Communicate

Once you are divorced, you need to learn new ways to communicate with your ex-spouse. First, use “I” messages to express yourself. For example, instead of saying, “You never work with the children on their homework,” try saying, “I would appreciate it if you would find time to work with the children on their homework.” Concentrate on “attacking the problem, not the person.” Try stating the problem in impartial terms, avoiding using the word “you.” Do not dictate rock-solid solutions. Instead, try negotiating or offering suggestions. Learn how to listen, which is the first step in good communication. Avoid language that you know will anger your former partner. Be courteous and respectful, and practice using “disarming tools” to defuse volatile situations. For instance, agreeing with your angry spouse goes a long way toward neutralizing his or her anger. Learn how to stay calm and collected.

Evolving from Parent to Co-Parent

You and your former spouse must find the best way to raise your children together. One way to do this is to create a “Parenting Plan.” This blueprint contains guidelines for the following areas of concern: reaching decisions, setting a schedule, swapping the kids, “transportation, communication, financial, moving and ground rules.”

“The parenting role is very different from the spousal role. If you clearly compartmentalize the two, you are less likely to confuse them.”

The “decision-making” plan governs who will make major and minor decisions in such areas as, “education, religion, medical issues and childcare.” The parenting schedule carefully outlines who will be caring for the children at any given time on a week-to-week basis. It also covers holidays and vacations. Delineate how you will share the financial responsibility for your children. For instance, who will pay for health insurance or private schools? What will you do if one parent decides to relocate? Agree upon an acceptable distance to live from each other. Set ground rules, such as checking with each other before scheduling an activity for the kids.

“Assume the role of an effective parent rather than a pal or recreation director.”

Don’t focus on the issue of child custody. Instead, concentrate on sharing parenting responsibilities in a way that is best for your children. You and your ex-spouse are restructuring your relationship. You now must also restructure how you parent. As divorced parents, practice the following basic rules of co-parenting:

• “Use the on-duty/off-duty parent concept” – The parent in charge makes the day-to-day decisions.
• “Acknowledge and respect…the other parent’s relationship with the children” – Always remember how important this person is to your kids.
• “Don’t assume anything; give the benefit of the doubt” – Always double-check what your child is telling you, especially if it goes against a parenting policy.
• Communicate clearly about the children – Use a variety of communication tools, such as e-mail, businesslike phone calls or designated folders for school assignments.
• “Make containing conflict a top priority” – This will help your children recover.

Creating a New Family

Remarried couples face a plethora of challenges, especially when they both enter the marriage with children from a previous union. Each stepfamily must find its own way, but you can adopt certain strategies to facilitate the “blending” process. First, communicate openly about your expectations and feelings, and encourage the children to air their concerns. Set achievable goals based on realistic expectations. Make your marriage a priority. A family is only as strong as the couple that leads it. Allow things to evolve at their own pace. Pushing an agenda is a sure way to encounter resistance. Cultivate your own unique relationship with your stepchildren. Do not try to act as a stand-in for their out-of-home parent. Let the children’s biological parent handle discipline at first, until you build trust, and achieve a certain level of love and comfort. Lastly, create a new family identity with its own rituals, traditions and history.

About the Author

Dr. Genevieve Clapp works for the Superior Court of California. She counsels divorcing couples on child-custody disputes, and co-parenting and stepfamily issues. She also teaches at California and Arizona State Universities.

Thanks for reading this book Divorce & New Beginnings by Genevieve Clapp, checkout out book summaries categories for more book summary.

Surviving Infidelity, Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris

Recommendation

“I’ve been unfaithful.” With this sentence, most marriages will never be the same again, if they survive at all. Authors Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris pledge to provide counsel to those who are hurt and reeling. getAbstract believes this book fulfills their promise. The authors thoroughly explore types of affairs; teach you how to cope with your pain, grief and anger; and advise you how to decide if you want the marriage to continue. Then they offer compassionate guidance on how to repair your relationship. With the knowledge drawn from their clinical practices, they also show you how to heal your wounds and emerge as a stronger, better person. If you’re struggling to pick up the pieces of your life, your marriage and your heart, this book can help.

Take-Aways

• Marriage is a commitment based on trust, and infidelity breaches that trust.
• Affairs fall along a continuum depending upon how much emotion the partner invests in the outside relationship.
• Affairs fall into these four types: serial, flings, romantic and long term.
• Emotional infidelity involves a strong attachment even if there is no sex.
• Even if a marriage (including sex) is good, spouses might cheat.
• An affair is a betrayal that inevitably leads to more lies and acts of deception.
• After learning of an affair, you may go through these stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
• Take control of your negative thought patterns in the face of a spouse’s affair.
• Don’t make decisions about your marriage until you gain some emotional objectivity.
• Coping strategies allow you to survive infidelity and become a stronger person.

Surviving Infidelity Book Summary

Four Types of Cheaters

Most marriages rest on a foundation of monogamy. When one partner cheats, the foundation begins to crumble. Research shows that about half of married men and a quarter of married women stray. And the number is rising for women.

An affair is “an illicit amorous relationship or liaison.” While every affair is serious, each falls along a continuum based on how much emotion the partner invests in the outside relationship. Understanding the type of affair helps to determine if you want to salvage your relationship. The four categories of affairs are serial affairs, flings, romantic love affairs and long-term affairs.

“Infidelity, whether resulting in divorce or reconciliation, has a ripple effect that reaches far from the center and disturbs the security, peace of mind and self-esteem of all family members.”

Serial affairs are brief encounters for sex rather than emotional intimacy. Spouses who indulge in serial affairs are looking for excitement, not commitment. If caught, they apologize, are remorseful and beg for forgiveness, but they often regress to philandering. Why risk a marriage over a meaningless encounter? Some serial lovers suffer from sex addiction. Others are narcissistic. Some have emotional problems that prohibit them from making meaningful connections or sustaining long-term social interactions.

“To realize that one’s spouse loves another is a wrenching experience, whether he leaves or stays.”

Flings differ from serial affairs in that they might last for a longer period of time, but still do not involve a significant emotional commitment. Just think of Michael Douglas as the married man ensnared in a fling-gone-wrong in the movie Fatal Attraction. A real-life example is President Clinton’s involvement with Monica Lewinsky.

“Giving more time, energy, and attention to someone outside the marriage cheats the spouse of intimacy and robs the marriage of emotional energy.”

The romantic love affair has significant emotional importance to the lovers. The participants often consider ending their marriages to be with their new loves. As the affair continues, it grows more serious. However, it does not always mean the death knell for the marriage. A romantic love affair that lasts for years becomes the long-term affair. Religious beliefs, the security of the children, financial dependency or a moral opposition to divorce may cause some spouses to accept the affair and remain in the marriage.

The No-Sex Affair

When spouses form a strong attachment outside the marriage, they’re cheating even if they’re not having sex. This kind of emotional infidelity, charged with passion and sexual tension, is destructive and robs your marriage of energy, commitment and attention. How can you tell the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? Psychologist Shirley Glass identifies the three ingredients of an emotional affair as “emotional intimacy, secrecy and sexual chemistry.”

“When everything in life seems to be going wrong, an affair may appear to offer an escape, a break from the problems, and comfort…”

The Web offers opportunities for sexless cheating. Following Glass’s three prerequisites for an emotional affair, cyberspace lovers share their innermost thoughts and feelings, hide their behavior and even bring each other to sexual climax. Cyber affairs are just as destructive as traditional affairs and can result in the dissolution of marriages.

Why Cheat

Some common misconceptions about affairs are that they are focused only on sex or that they are the result of something wrong with the marriage. Although affairs involve sex, it’s not always the motivation for cheating. Even people in wonderful, sexually satisfying marriages have affairs. Some reasons people stray include “transitional anxiety, unfulfilled expectations, unrealistic ideas about love and marriage, the need for attention, boredom, an unavailable spouse and the lack of sexual desire.” Other reasons might be that a person entered the marriage confused about his or her sexual orientation, or he or she was a “high-risk partner” from the onset – that is, someone who entered the union with issues about commitment and fidelity.

“Your spouse engaged in adultery. Then he lied to cover up. Perhaps even more than the sex itself, the deceit and dishonesty has caused you great pain.”

When people transition from one life stage to another, they are vulnerable to outside attention. Life transitions include the birth of a baby, the loss of a loved one or a change in career. Midlife also brings changes, such as coping with teenagers, the death of a parent and aging.

Many people expect marriage to fulfill every emotional and sexual need. This expectation may strain a relationship. Maintaining the intensity that marks the beginning of a relationship is difficult. Passion fades with time and the idealized version of your mate gives way to a more realistic view. People often are not ready to accept this natural evolution of a relationship.

Lies and Deception

Engaging in an affair is a betrayal that leads to more lies and acts of deception as the participant tries to keep the affair a secret. Maintaining the ruse requires great effort, and even if the affair is undiscovered, it takes its toll by creating tension, insecurity and distance.

“From the moment an affair is discovered, life seems to change in drastic and sometimes frightening ways.”

Should you confess that you are having an affair? Opinions vary. Some counselors advocate total honesty regardless of the consequences. Others recommend holding back if the confession will cause additional emotional harm or incite a violent reaction. However, revealing infidelity can allow you to work constructively on your relationship.

“The discovery of infidelity may be more wounding to your sense of self than anything you have previously experienced.”

“I’m having an affair” is a devastating sentence. Infidelity is a breach of marriage vows, a sacred commitment based on trust. Betrayed partners feel myriad painful emotions. This revelation shatters a spouse’s self-esteem and faith in his or her partner. Then both parties must decide how to handle this marital crisis.

How to Cope

“To think he’d lie to me over and over again! I’ve really been a fool. I mean nothing to him. I feel like I’ve lost everything. Didn’t he care that he’d break my heart?”

“If your spouse has agreed to stop the affair, you have the opportunity to heal the marital wounds and to work together to repair your relationship.”

This outpouring of bewilderment and grief is typical of a spouse shocked by the abrupt revelation of an affair. Only after this eruption of emotions subsides will you be able to become more objective.

When you first hear the shocking news of an affair, it is normal to experience the five stages of grief documented by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: “denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.” You may become obsessed with the breach, playing and replaying it in your mind. Although fixating on the affair is a typical reaction and part of the process of recovery, beware of being stuck in this phase or dwelling unnecessarily on the sexual aspect of the involvement.

“Even though you forgive your spouse, it doesn’t mean that you condone the behavior or will ever forget the hurt.”

A spouse’s affair is a terrible blow to your self-esteem. It’s not unusual for injured parties to feel badly about themselves and think negative thoughts. When you learn how to recognize negative thought patterns, you will understand how they distort reality. The following are examples of negative themes identified by Dr. Aaron Beck, the “founder of cognitive therapy”:

• “Negative opinion of yourself” – You compare yourself to others and consistently find yourself wanting.
• “Self-blame” – You feel you are at fault because you are not sexy, intelligent or interesting enough.
• “Negative interpretation of events” – You read disapproval into the innocuous comments made by others.
• “All or nothing thinking” – You fail to see gray, only black and white, good or evil.
• “Overgeneralization” – You apply the words “always” and “never” to situations, emphasizing the negative.
• “Mental filter” – You automatically hear the negative, not the positive.
• “Mind reading” – You feel that other people are thinking poorly of you.
• “Emotional reasoning” – You believe that what you are feeling is true, even if it is negative and distorted.

Where Do the Bad Feelings Go?

You are angry and jealous – a normal reaction to betrayal. Acknowledge your anger and then use it as fuel to accomplish your goals. Use calming techniques such as deep yoga-type breathing, meditation or visualization. Focus on governing your thoughts and changing this “self-talk.”

“No other marital problems can be addressed, nor can the rebuilding of trust proceed, until you are assured that the affair has stopped and your partner is willing to make amends.”

Express anger and jealousy toward your spouse. Communicating your feelings nondestructively increases your sense of well-being and gives you room to work on your relationship.

What to Do

Your life is upside down. What do you do now? To gain some detachment, ask yourself:

• “Is your spouse willing to stop the affair?”
• “Can you and your spouse change the reasons leading to the affair?”
• “What is the significance of the affair to him or, to her?”
• “How will your decision affect your quality of life?”
• “What is the impact of your decision on your children?”
• “What about AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases?”

“The knowledge that time heals is one of the beliefs that can keep you going through the bad periods.”

Once you can be more objective, it’s time to decide if you want to stay together or separate. You may choose to work on your marriage if your spouse is truly repentant and willing to recommit to the relationship, agrees to counseling and promises never to stray in the future. Even if your spouse won’t promise to end the affair, you still can choose to tolerate the infidelity, leave or postpone your decision until you feel you are ready.

The Ultimate Challenge

An affair changes a marriage indelibly, but you can survive the rift and become even stronger in your relationship. If the cheating spouse acknowledges the affair, recognizes the pain it caused and apologizes with sincerity, you are moving toward healing. Next, it’s time to talk openly and honestly about the infidelity. Your marriage has a history, and you can strengthen your bond by reminiscing about your courtship and shared events. Set aside time each week to discuss your relationship. Lastly, create a ritual that has meaning to you and your spouse that marks the end of this difficult period and ushers in your new time together. For example, some couples renew their wedding vows at this juncture in their relationship.

Recovery and Beyond

Sadly, not all marriages survive. Recovering from a divorce is a process from which you will emerge with a new sense of who you are. The first stage of this process is denial, as you find it hard to believe and accept. The second stage is a period of acute distress characterized by worry, anger, obsession and agitation. The third stage is the integration stage when you start making the changes that will shape your new life.

“We know it is possible to meet the challenge of infidelity and survive it.”

The children of divorce also suffer. These strategies will help your children cope:

• Both parents should tell the children about the divorce calmly and objectively.
• Reassure your children that the divorce is not their fault.
• Children need to know that you still love them.
• Tell your children exactly how their lives will change.
• Do everything you can to cause the least disruption in their lives.
• Never put your children in the middle of a conflict between you and your spouse.
• Give your children permission to love and cherish each parent.

Become a Survivor

Although it might not feel like it at the time, you can survive infidelity and become a stronger person by exercising some basic coping skills. Develop your belief in a higher power and your own ingenuity. Nurture your ability to endure discomfort, gain objectivity and perspective, and let go of anger, worry and resentment. Devise a plan for the future and ask for help when you need it. Take control of your thoughts and do whatever you feel is necessary to heal.

About the Authors

Rona B. Subotnik is a licensed marriage and family therapist and is in private practice. In 2001, she co-authored Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal. Gloria G. Harris, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and co-author of the book Assertive Training for Women.

Thanks for reading this book Surviving Infidelity By Rona B. Subotnik, checkout out book summaries categories for more book summary.

Life’s Missing Instruction Manual, The Guidebook You Should Have Been Given at Birth By Joe Vitale

Recommendation

Joe Vitale’s life manual is packed with his highly personal brand of new-age wizardry and inscrutable passages from other modern day self-help philosophers. With aphorisms, maxims and fables on ideas and subjects ranging from sex, food and forgiveness to personal finance, taxes, purpose in life and how to handle death, he proffers a broad, mixed bag of advice – some he wrote and some he anthologizes – with a touch of humor and a dash of preachiness. Rather than presenting a singular world view or moral system, Vitale combs popular self-help best sellers, consults some sweeping religious concepts, and synthesizes their teachings with his own insight. The resulting book is at times quite sharp and smart, and at times simplistic and sentimental. getAbstract recommends it to those who are seeking meaning in their lives and peace in their relationships. Vitale offers enough diverse insights, both familiar and fresh, that some of them are bound to apply – if only to spur your thinking.

Take-Aways

• You shape reality by directing your thoughts as well as your actions. You can control what you think and, therefore, what reality you create.
• You cannot control the universe, but you can affect it to benefit your life.
• You will become like those whom you chose to have around you. Select carefully.
• Obstacles and disasters affect every life. How will you respond? What will you learn?
• At the end of the day, it is up to you to decide how you will consider the world. No philosopher, religious figure or other thinker has all the answers.
• You can’t choose your parents, and in many ways you can’t choose your children. People are who they are. Learning to accept them is a worthwhile challenge.
• Cultivate crucial life skills: learn to listen, learn to forgive and learn to recognize how your deeds affect others.
• You can’t change human nature. No matter how hard you wish they would change, people will act like people.
• Life is extremely short – be mindful of how you are living. You only get one shot.
• Be nice.

Life’s Missing Instruction Manual Book Summary

Your Power over Reality

Your body comes fully assembled, but it will require food, exercise and sex. It is capable of smiling, which is a powerful communication tool. And, it is capable of laughing, something you should do regularly. Most people see reality as something that they exist within, in their physical form, rather than something they are responsible for creating by how they “focus their mind.” The truth is that individuals exercise choice and can shape reality. By force of will, you can decide to be happy. By controlling your thoughts, you can exert influence on the conditions around you, recognizing that:

1. Life does not have to be hard. With the right perspective life can seem easy and enjoyable. Attitude is up to you.
2. The thoughts that you have actually exert energy on the world around you.
3. You can learn to manipulate your thoughts, choosing which ones to accept and which ones to reject, in order to shape reality to your will.
4. The situations you find yourself in often are manifestations from inside your mind. You are responsible for how your inner self affects the outer world.
5. Your actions define your nature, and so your nature is also malleable to your will. You define yourself, so positive affirmations have positive impacts.

“Energy makes up your entire world – you, me, this book, the chair you’re sitting on, the room you’re in and so on. How you think begins to organize energy into form.”

In this world where the thoughts and nature of the individual are in constant interplay with external reality, a “law of attraction” is at work. Both the things you love and the things you hate “will be drawn to you” because you focus on them. Therefore it is important to be very mindful of what you choose to focus on; the concepts and thoughts you entertain will become part of your reality. This gives you the power to influence your circumstances positively, simply by using your mind. As Buddha put it, “Everything that is, was first a thought.” By positively controlling your thoughts, you can:

• Achieve goals by fully imagining success.
• Gain serenity by releasing bad thoughts and discarding old limits.
• Build your self-esteem by focusing on the positive.
• Control the beliefs that dictate your behavior.
• Direct your future by conceptualizing it in your imagination.

“You’ll find this hard to believe at first, but everything in your life is a projection from the shadow side of your own mind.”

There are, of course, limits to the power you can exert over reality. You cannot stop catastrophes from occurring, nor can you alter nature. But you can shape the social realities surrounding you. And because individuals determine so much of reality, it is important to be discriminating about the companions you select to have around you: “If you hang out with losers, you will gravitate toward losing. If you hang out with winners, the same is true.”

“The only limits are your own mental ones.”

You want a number of different types of people around you who will have a positive impact on your life and will complement your best aspirations and ambitions. Such people include:

• People who achieve – This can mean different things, and certainly does not necessarily equate to wealth.
• Kind people – It makes no sense to spend time with people who are not kind; life is too short.
• Positive people – “People who get things done” are good to keep around, as they will spur good things to happen for you.
• People who can see the future – It is important to befriend “a true psychic,” someone who has the wisdom required to see circumstances over the horizon and to prepare whatever might happen.
• People who are grounded in reality – And who can communicate directly.

“See life for what it is. Realize you have control only over your tiny piece of the overall puzzle. Realize that, when you fit your tiny piece into the overall plan, it is there for the good of all.”

The lyrics to the 1960s song “Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There Is a Season)” contain a powerful lesson about the way that the world works. The lesson is that “everything happens for a reason.” Obstacles, challenges and disasters are the root of wisdom. Everything that happens, good or bad, contains a lesson that you can capture if you are mindful and open to the inherent teachings in your life.

“The point of power in your life is now.”

Most important, you create your own worldview. Be selective and responsible. Any of the religious or philosophical systems you encounter are ultimately based on opinion. At the end of the day, it is up to you to choose the foundation of how you will view the world.

Do Unto Others…

The Golden Rule – “Treat others as you want to be treated” – is a “million-dollar principle” by which you can live your life. It is the first and most important rule for interpersonal communications. Recognizing the connection between yourself and others is the first step to a successful, happy life. Understand it, and you will benefit from the “Law of Reciprocation,” which results in others helping you get what you want because you do the same for them.

“Although you may never be able to wrap your head around this concept, all time happens right now.”

The following 15 concepts are helpful when considering your relationships with other people in your workplace or your family:

1. “Your parents did the best they could” – Being a parent is hard and often the people who have the job are unprepared for it. But it is important to recognize your parents’ humanity. Don’t hold grudges against them. They probably didn’t know any better.
2. “Your children will become what they become” – Ultimately, you cannot control what kind of people your kids become. You have some control, but they will grow to be their own people, pick their own friends and conceptualize their own destiny.
3. “You can achieve anything with support” – No matter what goal you set for yourself, if you receive enough support from the people around you, it is possible to achieve it.
4. Listening is an incredibly important life skill – Research shows that most people retain only about 20% of what passes through their ears, because they are “distracted, preoccupied or forgetful three quarters of the time.” Learning to listen is one of life’s greatest lessons, and pays great social dividends. Learning to hear what others are really saying is key to a successful life.
5. “What you do influences people down the chain” – Many social interactions are the compound result of prior social interactions. Negative social behavior begets more of the same, spreading from one person to the next. To make the world better, decide to exercise control over this phenomenon – counteracting it by behaving positively.
6. “People like nice people” – In other words, “be nice.” This is simple, but true advice. Mean people are much less likely to get their way in most social circumstances.
7. “People want to be loved” – If people feel they are loved, they will respond with love.
8. Know “how to end an argument” – Learn to become the first person in any given dispute to end a conflict with an apology. Apologies disarm tense situations.
9. Understand “how to deal with an enemy” – It may be counterintuitive, but ask your enemy for advice. You gain the high ground, and “the enemy will open up to you.”
10. “Everyone is going through something” – You may feel, on occasion, that you are the only one going through one of life’s myriad challenges, but you are not alone. Recognizing that will make you empathetic and will help you find common ground with other people.
11. “People respond to flattery” – Telling someone that he or she is smart, capable or otherwise terrific will always create goodwill.
12. “People will never argue with you if you never make them wrong” – Remember that lesson about listening? If you listen when someone confronts you with a complaint or argument instead of immediately defending yourself, you can disarm the situation before it becomes negative.
13. “People will follow commands that make them feel superior” – Phrasing commands in such a way as to appeal to people’s egos is an excellent way to produce a positive response in most circumstances.
14. “People unconsciously respond to your unconscious intentions” – What you don’t say to people is almost as important as what you do say. Your unconscious intentions will be apparent to people, whether you verbally express them or not.
15. “People will never change their human emotions or basic desires” – No matter what happens in the course of human history, people will remain largely the same.

Do Unto yourself…

The world around you, to a certain extent, conforms to the world within you. The reality you project actually influences your circumstances. In some ways, “the universe will always say yes to your thoughts.” If your thoughts are positive, then reality will bend toward the positive. If your thoughts are negative, then reality will contort in such a way that it produces negative results. Recognizing these rules of nature will help you steer your own experiences in the right direction and will help produce the results you want.

“The top three goals of everyone alive are food, love and money. They were the same in the 1700s and they will be the same in the 2700s.”

When in doubt, your gut is a good barometer of the path you should take in most situations. Your “sixth sense,” or intuition, is often a healthy signal during situations that require making decisions. Other people’s advice can be valuable, certainly, but never discount your own instincts.

Forgiveness is as much about you as it is about others. The anxiety that bitterness and grudges create is counterproductive, and can prevent you from living fully. When you learn to forgive, you free yourself to become your best. And, the person you must learn to forgive the most is yourself. Being “friends with that reflection” you see in the mirror is crucial.

“Walk a little, wobble, fall down. Get up again. That’s the real secret: Get up again.”

Another complex phenomenon you must understand is one that is at the root of the physical world: time. The present is the only thing you can affect; the past and future are out of your hands. So, learn to think of time as “an illusion,” and recognize that the present is where you must invariably exist.

However, You Can Prepare for the Future

Take as many steps toward any goal as you can, but just as happens when a baby learns to walk, the “first steps are awkward.” As long as you continue to work toward your goals, you can always pick yourself up again if you stumble. When preparing for the future, you can achieve your goals more easily if you follow these rules:

1. Always remain grateful – Relative to human beings in developing countries, you probably have a very high standard of living. Remembering that will help you maintain a sense of perspective.
2. Think of what you desire as if you already achieved it – When you announce your desires, they are more likely to be fulfilled.
3. Pursue opportunities when they arise – Unexpected opportunities will often present themselves. Go with your gut, trust your intuition and pursue them.
4. You must have trust.

“You are hereby authorized to do whatever you have the guts to try. You…don’t ever have to ask anyone’s permission to be successful or happy at anything. If you think you can do it, you can do it. You’re authorized by the power vested in your own soul…to live your dreams to the max.” [ – Pat O’Bryan]

And lastly, dealing with death is a crucial life lesson. Of course, if in fact “you’re the one who died,” you can stop reading now. But if your heart is still beating, at some point in your life you will be confronted with death and grief. The positive response is to find the good in your life and live in the present. In fact, it is quite short. When you consider your life in retrospect, you will want it to appear “beautiful and abundant” rather than “ugly and desolate.”

About the Author

Dr. Joe Vitale is president of his own marketing firm and the author of numerous books, including The Attractor Factor, The Greatest Money-Making Secret in History and The E-Code: 33 Internet Superstars Reveal 43 Ways to Make Money Online Almost Instantly. His next book is titled There’s a Customer Born Every Minute.

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The Verbally Abusive Relationship, How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans

Recommendation

Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs – on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment – though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. getAbstract recommends her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.

Take-Aways

• “Verbal abuse is an issue of control, a means of holding power over another.”
• Verbal abuse is not always easy to recognize.
• The two kinds of power are “Power Over” and “Personal Power.”
• The abuser (usually male) and his partner (usually female) operate from different realities: The abuser wants to dominate while his partner wants to cooperate.
• The abuser periodically relieves his anger and tension by venting or controlling his partner. This is the “cycle of anger.”
• Over time, the abused partner loses her self-confidence, assurance and optimism.
• The victim of verbal abuse doubts her own feelings because she is constantly being told she is wrong, overreacting or mistaken.
• Verbal abuse follows several patterns. Some are overt, such as name-calling, while others are covert, such as withholding, trivializing, forgetting and denying.
• Once the abused partner recognizes the abuse, she learns she is not at fault.
• To combat verbal abuse, seek professional help, set limits, change your responses and, if need be, leave.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship Book Summary

About Verbal Abuse

You can’t see the signs of verbal abuse simply by looking at its victims. Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse leaves no bruises, visible scars or broken bones. But the victims suffer and bear emotional scars. The partner (predominantly female) of an abuser (predominantly male) becomes confused. Why is her partner different in private than in public? Why is there a gap between his words and her feelings? What is wrong with her? Why can’t other people see what is happening?

“Verbal abuse is hostile aggression.”

Verbal abuse may be obvious or subtle, occasional or constant, but it is always “an issue of control…of holding power over another.” In most cases, the abuser denies he is doing anything wrong. Usually, the abuse takes place in private without witnesses. It often escalates over time. In “many, many cases” verbal abuse is a predecessor and a warning signal of physical abuse.

Are You a Victim?

You might think that verbal abuse is obvious, as it is with name-calling. However, many forms of verbal abuse are nebulous and hard to pin down. The abused partner must recognize the ill-treatment because the abuser is probably unwilling or unable to change. If you believe you might be on the receiving end of verbal abuse, consider whether your relationship is experiencing these symptoms:

• He’s often angry for no apparent reason, making you feel bewildered.
• Discussing your feelings or resolving issues is difficult.
• You are often confused because his response does not match your intent.
• He will seldom open up or talk about his feelings.
• He seems to take a contrary position simply to be “right” while you are “wrong.”
• You hear double messages and cannot get clarification.
• You feel blindsided by an unexpected reaction or a broken promise.

“Two Kinds of Power”

Power manifests in two forms: “Power Over” and “Personal Power.” Power Over is about “control and dominance” of another person. Personal Power involves “mutuality and co-creation.” While Power Over requires winners and losers, Personal Power relies on partnership and shared responsibility. If one person in a relationship is oriented toward Power Over, but the other is not, it is as if they live “in two different realities.” The person living in a world based on cooperation (Personal Power) perceives the relationship as mutually supportive and interdependent. However, her partner lives in the reality of competitive Power Over, and only wants to triumph over her. When partners are grounded in Personal Power, they resolve issues together, instead of following the destructive patterns created by a Power Over partner. When a Power Over partner uses words and intent to govern, trivialize or devalue his mate, that is verbal abuse.

About the Abuser

The abuser exercises his power to dominate. He does not admit what he is doing, because he is unable to face his true nature and feelings. He wants to win, but to do so he needs his partner to lose. A verbal abuser might be “irritable, unpredictable, angry, unaccepting, unexpressive, controlling, uncommunicative, competitive, jealous, sullen, critical and explosive.” He uses these emotions to manipulate his partner and retain power, as seen in this exchange between Bert and Bella:

“If the words or attitude disempower, disrespect or devalue the other, then they are abusive.”

Bella: Bert, do you have any plans for today? I thought we’d take a ride to the country. Bert (angrily): Do I have to get your approval for my plans? Bella (confused): No, of course not. I just thought we might spend the afternoon taking a ride together. Bert (angrily): Then why are you arguing about my plans! Bella (confused): I’m not. Why are you so angry? Bert (confrontational and defensive): You’re the one who started it and attacked me about plans. You’re just trying to put it on me now!

“Verbal abuse closes the door to true communication and intimacy.”

Bella does not understand that she and Bert are operating from two different realities, so she is confounded. Bert tells her that she is saying and feeling things that she never intended to convey. He thwarts her attempts to communicate because he wants to dominate, not cooperate.

The underlying emotion that causes verbal abuse is anger. The abuser feels angry because of his “personal powerlessness.” He takes his anger and hostility out on his partner, and then he feels better, while his partner feels terrible. This venting releases his tension. Yet, soon the tension and anger build up again, culminating in another outburst. This is the “cycle of anger.” The partner who carries out this destructive cycle of behavior is an “anger addict.”

About the Abused Partner

The abused partner wants to be heard and understood. She believes her spouse loves her, and that they can work out their problems if she tries harder and communicates better. After a time, she begins to lose faith in her judgment. She suffers a loss of confidence and self-esteem. She questions her perceptions and wonders why she isn’t happy. Yet, she won’t leave the relationship because she clings to some deeply held beliefs, including:

• The belief that if she explained herself better, her partner wouldn’t get angry.
• The belief that she is susceptible to “taking things the wrong way.”
• The belief that she overreacts.
• The belief that her partner is trying as hard as she is trying.
• The belief that she is suffering due to some inherent flaw in her makeup.
• The belief that if her partner understood that he was hurting her, he would stop.

“Generally the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse rests with the partner of the abuser, because the abuser is not motivated to change.”

The victim of verbal abuse begins to doubt her own feelings because her abuser constantly tells her that they are inaccurate. When she comes to understand that her partner is causing her inner turmoil, she will also be able to recognize that she is being abused. Verbal abuse isn’t easy for the victim to recognize for several reasons: She has learned to ignore unkindness or disrespect, the abuser denies it or she doubts her feelings. Abuse seldom involves witnesses, it might occur when everything seems to be fine and it recurs in different, yet familiar, ways. The abuser shows contempt for things his partner cares about, he is not concerned after the incident and he does not attempt to repair the problem. He tells his partner that she said things she never meant.

“If the partner shares her feelings with the perpetrator of the aggression, you can be absolutely certain he will invalidate them.”

Verbal abuse falls into several categories:

• “Withholding” – The abuser refuses to listen or communicate, destroying intimacy.
• “Countering” – The abuser arbitrarily opposes his partner’s views.
• “Discounting” – The abuser persuades his partner that her feelings are wrong.
• “Verbal abuse disguised as jokes” – The abuser makes jokes that are really insults.
• “Blocking and diverting” – This is one way the abuser refuses to communicate.
• “Accusing and blaming” – The abuser blames his partner for his anger, irritability or inappropriate behavior.
• “Judging and criticizing” – Statements like “You’re too sensitive” can be judgmental. Criticism, particularly if it is disguised as being helpful or constructive, is also abusive.
• “Trivializing” – This negates the victim’s feelings, often in subtle, insidious ways.
• “Undermining” – The abuser wears away his partner’s self-confidence. His comments sabotage her: “Your promotion won’t make a difference financially, so it doesn’t matter.”
• “Threatening” – The abuser uses his partner’s fears, for instance, threatening to leave.
• “Name calling” – There is never an excuse for calling someone bad names, which is one of the most blatant forms of verbal abuse.
• “Forgetting” – This abuser uses this hostile passive/aggressive way to refuse to own his misdeeds or broken promises.
• “Ordering” – When the abuser orders his partner around, he is denying her equality.
• “Denial” – Denial negates the abused partner’s perceptions. The abuser refuses to admit what really happened and claims, “I never said that,” or “You’re making it up.”

The Steps to Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

When the abused partner begins to realize that she and her mate do not share the same reality, she is on the road to recognizing verbal abuse. She starts to understand that her partner only wants to dominate and control her. This realization is painful, but it is also freeing. She now realizes that nothing is wrong with her. She acknowledges that in healthy relationships, one person does not insult, control manipulate or yell at the other. Instead of questioning her own thoughts and feelings, she begins to doubt her partner.

“When the victim of verbal abuse realizes that she was not loved, only controlled, she grieves the lack of love because she knows that she is lovable.”

If you are the victim of verbal abuse, first seek professional help and support. You can ask your mate to accompany you, but see a counselor or therapist with or without him. A good therapist will help you become fully aware of the abusive dynamic in your relationship, and will assist you in developing the inner strength and resources to change your situation.

“The abuser’s declarations of love are in direct contrast to the hurtful things he says.”

Choose professional help carefully. A therapist may find it hard to recognize abuse at first if a couple presents themselves as wanting to “work on their relationship.” If the therapist believes that the abused partner must simply become more assertive or independent, he or she can actually cause the victim additional harm. Avoid any therapist who does not recognize verbal abuse as hostile aggression, lacks extensive knowledge about “patriarchy, power and gender,” or holds the victim of abuse in any way responsible. A therapist will use a “narrative” approach to treat the abuser by identifying the abuse as such, positioning himself or herself against it, and charging the abuser with accepting “total responsibility” for stopping the abuse.

“The verbal abuser’s anger is free-floating and irrational. It has nothing to do with the partner. It does, however, affect her deeply.”

Once you have professional support, begin setting limits on what you will and absolutely will not accept. Do not change these limits no matter what your partner says. Setting limits is difficult because it requires the abused partner to trust her feelings, which the abuser constantly undermines. Start by choosing one category of abuse and deciding not to tolerate it. Distance yourself from the destructive emotions he is trying to elicit. Disengage when necessary. Your goal is to identify every action of verbal abuse. A firm, authoritarian response such as a simple “Stop It!” tells the abuser that you mean what you say. Speak firmly, hold your head up, make eye contact and take deep, cleansing breaths. Use statements such as “Cut it out” or “Don’t talk to me like that.” Other responses you can try, depending on the category of verbal abuse, include:

• When he is withholding, try saying, “I am feeling very bored with your company,” and then leave.
• When he is countering, try saying, “Stop! Please look at my lips.” Do not continue to explain what you mean or he will continue to present counterarguments.
• When he is accusing or blaming, try saying, “Don’t talk to me like that!” or “Remember whom you are talking to!” Again, don’t fall into the pattern of explaining yourself.
• When he is ordering, say, “Can you say ‘please’ nicely?” or “I don’t follow orders.”

“When the partner begins to recognize verbal abuse for what it is, she has awakened from the illusion that her mate shares her reality.””Appeals to the abuser’s compassion are fruitless, because the abuser is not empathetic.”

The best way to protect yourself from verbal abuse is to understand that the abuser is not rational or emotionally mature. Know that his goal is to dominate and control, and not because of anything you have done. You hold the ultimate power. You can resolve any verbally abusive situation by leaving. Always have enough money to get home on your own. Keep friends and relatives’ phone numbers close-by so you can call for help if need be. You might even want to keep a packed bag in your car for hasty getaways.

“The great tragedy in a verbally abusive relationship is that the partner’s efforts to bring reconciliation, mutual understanding and intimacy are rejected out of hand by the abuser because to him they are adversarial.”

Concentrate on the present. Do not beat yourself up about the past or worry about the future. If you want to give your partner an opportunity to modify his behavior, let him know that you are making changes. Tell him you will no longer respond to him as you did previously. Understand that if he refuses to change, you might have to end the relationship. Do what it takes to protect yourself. If he continues to deny responsibility or refuses help, the situation is out of your control. You will recover, but tragically he will never experience an equal, intimate, loving relationship.

About the Author

Patricia Evans has written four books on verbal abuse. She works as a consultant, speaker and facilitator.

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