The 5 Love Languages By Gary Chapman Book Summary

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

Why is it that, no matter how hard we try to show our affection for our loved ones, it doesn’t always feel like they appreciate the efforts? Why do we sometimes feel unloved even when we’re in a stable relationship? “The 5 Love Languages” explains the five categories in which we give and receive love. You will learn to understand how your partner expresses their love, and more importantly, how you most appreciate being loved.

The 5 Love Languages Book Summary:

• Want to reinforce your love for your spouse.
• Don’t know how to make love last
• Have difficulty showing love

Introduction  

Every person expresses their own version of love, like a dialect within a language. For example, you may express your love by complimenting your partner on their work, while they may show their love by giving you frequent hugs. These differences have been broken down into five categories and are known as the love languages:  

1. Words of affirmation: You greatly appreciate compliments and encouraging words. 
2. Quality time: You love when your partner puts down their phone and gives you their undivided attention. 
3. Receiving gifts: Thoughtful gifts and gestures, both big and small, are the way to your heart. 
4. Acts of service: You feel most loved when your partner helps with your tasks, especially without being asked. 
5. Physical touch: Holding hands or receiving a hug makes you smile.  

As an anthropologist with a background in linguistics, Gary Chapman worked out this list during his years as a marriage counselor. Over the course of many sessions, he learned that one person may express love to their partner differently than their partner may need it. Once he understood that, he was better able to help the couples he worked with. In this Snapshot, you’ll discover your primary language, and learn how to speak all of them so you know how to show affection to those you love.

What Happens to Love After the Wedding?  

Have you noticed that some couples meet, fall in love, and get married at breakneck speed, only to have their relationship burn out just as quickly? Maybe you’ve experienced this problem in your own relationships. You fall in love and deeply want to make your partner happy. But somehow, despite your best efforts, something changes after you get married. 

Author Gary Chapman once met a man on a plane ride who had been married three times, and none of the man’s marriages had lasted for more than 10 years. He told stories of repeatedly being unable to keep the fiery spark of love alive. 

What was the problem? The man had most likely been speaking a different love language from his spouses. In each marriage, his wife needed something different from him. But since his love language was different from theirs, he didn’t understand how to express his love in a way that they would understand. 

This problem may seem small, but unless couples can speak each other’s love languages, they run a high risk of their relationship falling apart. Not showing affection for your partner in a way that they appreciate often leads to pent up resentment, bickering, and an inevitable break up.

Keeping the Love Tank Full  

Much like a fuel tank in a car, everybody has what Chapman calls a “love tank.” Your love tank is where you store up all the instances in your life that another person has shown you love in a way that was meaningful to you. But, also like a car’s gas tank, your love 

Much like a fuel tank in a car, everybody has what Chapman calls a “love tank.” Your love tank is where you store up all the instances in your life that another person has shown you love in a way that was meaningful to you. But, also like a car’s gas tank, your love tank depletes, and in rocky relationships, it means you’re running on fumes. 

We all love lots of different things — places, pets, and people, sports, TV shows, and cars — but there is no equivalent to emotional love from your romantic partner. But in many long-term relationships, people’s love tanks drop to dangerous levels. That initial spark of falling in love petters out, and complacency sets in. A seemingly insurmountable distance starts to develop. In many instances, it’s not that partners no longer love each other. It’s just that they’re not communicating in ways the other can understand. Maybe you’re always doing the dishes after dinner because this feels like a nice gesture to you, but what your partner really wants is to cuddle more often while watching a movie after a meal. Meaningful, continuous displays of affection and intimacy are crucial to the survival of any romantic relationship. 

By learning your and your partner’s love language, you’ll keep both of your love tanks full for the rest of your lives.

Falling in Love  

Have you ever fallen deeply in love? Do you remember how exhilarating it felt? Your partner seemed like the most brilliant person imaginable, even if they had no means of supporting themselves or any goals for their future. But at the time, you didn’t think that would be a problem. You may have known of other couples that fell apart for similar reasons, but you were going to be different. You two had something truly special. 

Despite this, you eventually grew annoyed with your partner’s lack of purpose. Your unrealistic hopes and dreams faded, leaving behind disappointment. What happened afterward? Did you grit your teeth and stay in the relationship, or did you end the relationship and move on? 

A study run by psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tenner concluded that the emotions of being “in love” last for an average of two years. After that, strong emotions begin to fade. Nevertheless, there are couples that have remained together for 30, 40, even 60 years. How have they been able to make their love last for so long? 

To love someone truly, you must understand that love is far more than a giddy rush of emotions. Love is more than bursts of fiery passion. Love requires commitment and dedication, and understanding the five love languages will help you in this task.

Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation  

A woman once came home from a long day at work. Her husband knew she was tired, so he made dinner, washed the dishes, and left her alone at the table so he could finish up the rest of the laundry. 

To his surprise, he found his wife in tears when he returned to the dining room. When he asked her what was wrong, she wiped away her tears and said that she didn’t feel that he cared for her at all. He was shocked. He had just spent the entire evening making sure that she didn’t have to lift a finger. But as he listened, he realized that he had made a crucial error. 

He had barely spoken to his wife at all. 

If you feel loved and understood when your spouse gives you compliments or encouraging words, your love language might be words of affirmation. The woman in this story came home hoping that her husband would say something positive about the long hours she was putting in at work. Even though he spent time completing tasks for her, she did not feel loved because he was not speaking to her. 

Words of affirmation are not limited to compliments. If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, they will appreciate kindness and humility in your speech. 

Words of affirmation should not only be given to your partner, either, but also to others about your partner. Your partner might eventually hear about it and will appreciate your love all the more.

Love Language 2: Quality Time  

Time is money. We only have a limited amount of it, and when we don’t feel that we have spent it well, we call it “wasted time.” 

In the digital age in particular, we’ve created lots of ways to waste time with activities like scrolling endlessly through Twitter on binge-watching shows on Netflix. There are so many screens and people on chat apps vying for our attention, and sometimes, we forget to pay attention to the person who shares our living space, even though they obviously desire our company the most. 

If your love language is quality time, you most look forward to uninterrupted time spent with your spouse. It’s discouraging to feel that you have to compete with the TV or their cell phone for their attention. You enjoy spending time with them on engaging activities, like going out on dates or taking road trips together. 

Quality time also involves learning self-expression. If you barely talk when you are together, you may still feel lonely and unloved. Finding out your partner’s feelings and sharing your own is a crucial aspect of quality time.

Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts  

Erik and Kelsey, both huge baseball fans, went on a first date to a minor league baseball game. During this game, Erik caught a home run ball. A few days later, Kelsey received a package from him: It was the home run ball in a specially made case that was marked with the date on which Erik had caught it and a brief message just for her. 

Erik and Kelsey continued dating and were married two years later. After 15 years of marriage, Kelsey still kept that baseball in its case on her dresser. It was one of the most important gifts she had ever received. 

If your spouse’s love language is receiving gifts, it doesn’t mean they expect you to spend all your money on expensive trinkets. They appreciate meaningful gifts, like reminders of important moments in your relationship. Flowers are a popular gift for a reason: They’re a simple and unexpected way of expressing love. 

Your presence can also be a gift. This differs from the language of quality time in that you may not even need to say a word. A wife in a couple that the author worked with divulged that she was upset that her husband left for a softball game soon after their baby was born. On the other hand, the husband remembers the day differently: He was so excited to run to the game and tell his teammates about his new son. 

Had he known how powerful just his presence could be, her anger and hurt might have been avoided. Sometimes, when your partner is experiencing something unique or difficult, just having you there might be all that they need.

Love Language 4: Acts of Service  

When Michelle began working on her grad school thesis, her husband, Brad, stepped up big time. He kept their home clean, prepared meals, and took care of any other tasks that cropped up. Michelle could work on her thesis without worry, knowing that he was doing his best to help her out with the other things in her life. Even though she did not have the time to spend with him while she worked, she still felt loved. 

Expressing this language to your partner might involve small things, like taking on extra chores to ease your spouse’s workload, or bringing the children to the playground to give your partner a few moments of peace. 

Acts of service can be a tricky love language to navigate. If this is the primary language you speak and your partner is willing to help you out, you must be careful not to take advantage of them. To avoid this, it helps to be willing to break outside of traditional marriage roles. If you work outside the home and your partner does all the cooking and cleaning, it may help to take on one of these tasks yourself.

Love Language 5: Physical Touch  

Touch is the one sense that is not limited to a specific area of the body. We can only smell with our noses or see with our eyes, but we can be touched everywhere. Studies have even shown that physical touch can drastically improve the probability that babies will have healthy emotions as they grow older. And touch continues to be powerful and important throughout our lives. 

Touch is also not limited to sexual foreplay or intercourse itself, and it doesn’t have to be a grand public display of affection, either. Brief hugs and kisses and hands on the shoulder are just as important and fulfilling for someone who speaks this love language. Your partner may want a reassuring hug in the morning before they leave for work, or they may want to hold your hand while you walk through the mall. Pay attention to how your partner responds to each touch, and be willing to change if necessary.

Discovering Your Primary Love Language  

To figure out your love language, ask yourself three questions:  

• What do you most often ask your partner for? Do you want them to help with household chores? Do you want them to hold your hand when you go for walks? You’re probably asking for things that are in line with your love language. 
• In what ways does your partner hurt you the most? For example, are you most hurt when you’re ignored or when you’re criticized? If it’s when you’re criticized, then your love language might be words of affirmation. If it’s when you’re ignored, your love language might be quality time. 
• How do you show your partner that you love them? Do you turn off the TV and listen to them talk about their day? Do you tell them to go out with their friends while you do the dishes and stay home with the kids? Most of the time, the way you show love is the way you want to receive it.

Love Is a Choice 

Love is a choice that must be made even when the fiery emotions that surround you in the beginning of the relationship fade away. 

Once you know your partner’s love language, you can commit to relating to them in that way. And in turn, they will do the same for you. 

Even if it’s hard, and even if it’s something you don’t know how to do and something that doesn’t come naturally, it’s the only way to ensure your partner’s deepest emotional needs are met. 

Contrary to what the Beatles song says, love is not all we need. But when you and your partner are committed to expressing love to one another, you have opened the door to a new world in which you can work through your problems in a safe environment.

Loving the Unlovely  

But what about relationships that have been stewing in hateful words and actions for years? Can you salvage your love, or is it lost forever? 

If you’re in such a situation, make an effort to learn your partner’s love language and express it for a while, and see if anything changes. Ask for suggestions on how to improve, and try to implement them without complaining. Try to gauge their love language based on things they want you to do, or things they have complained about in the past. After each month for six months, check in to see how you are doing and ask for suggestions. This should start filling up your love tanks again.

Conclusion  

In this age of multiple marriages and divorces, finding true and lasting love may seem impossible. Even in marriages that last, the feelings of love often fade and never return. Now more than ever, we need to understand that there are multiple languages of love, and learning the one that our spouse speaks is crucial to the survival of our relationships:  

1. Words of affirmation: You greatly appreciate compliments and encouraging words. 
2. Quality time: You love when your partner puts down their phone and gives you their undivided attention. 
3. Receiving gifts: Thoughtful gifts and gestures, both big and small, are the way to your heart. 
4. Acts of service: You feel most loved when your partner helps with your tasks, especially without being asked. 
5. Physical touch: Holding hands or receiving a hug makes you smile.

About the Author

Gary Chapman is a speaker and marriage counselor whose work has influenced marriages and relationships worldwide. Chapman has written six additional books in his bestselling 5 Love Languages series, including The 5 Love Languages for Singles and The 5 Love Languages of Children.

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