It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown By Lisa Steadman Book Summary

It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown, Celebrate Getting Over the Big One and Changing Your Life – for Good! By Lisa Steadman

Recommendation

If you tend to endure a breakup holed up in your room in comfy PJs, then this summary recommends that you place this survival guide next to your chick flick DVDs, high-priced chocolates and box of tissues. This girl-power book by Lisa Steadman, nicknamed “The Relationship Journalist,” reads like a long “You go, girl!” exclamation. Steadman explains that you can use the “big breakup” experience to become more fabulous than before you met Mr. Wrong. All it takes is a little fortitude and a lot of self-focused behavior. If you want to indulge in a cryfest, a new pair of boots or a bit of spoiling by mom, Steadman says, “Do it!” The goal, however, is to emerge from your breakup with a better understanding of what you need and want and how to make it happen. Use your breakup as a vehicle to learn about yourself and embrace your single status as an opportunity to make valuable changes. One gentle caution: Steadman’s basic intent is to offer a good laugh, some female bonding and a warm hug, not a serious, therapeutic method of overcoming a trauma.

Take-Aways

• Every breakup, big or small, teaches you valuable lessons about yourself.
• Once a relationship is over, divest yourself of anything that reminds you of your ex.
• Just as there are all kinds of breakups, there are also varieties of ways to handle them.
• Your “Boo-Hoo Crew” is three or four of your closest, most reliable and understanding friends who will help you through your breakup.
• Rather than invest your energy in a rebound affair, invest it in yourself.
• Recovering from the “big breakup” is much like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
• After surviving the initial devastation of your breakup, you’re ready to move on.
• Embrace the new, single you and use it as a time to make positive changes in your life.
• The lessons you’ve learned from your big breakup will help you to “date smarter.”
• There is no knight in shining armor. The only one who can make you feel happy, whole and fulfilled is you.

It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown Book Summary

The “Big Breakup”

You can learn valuable lessons about yourself from every breakup. Regardless of whether you initiated the split or had your heart handed back to you, the fact is that the relationship was no longer working. Breakups are painful and big breakups hurt most of all. However, once you are free from the pain you are also free to be the best you’ve ever been. Every breakup leaves its mark. You are no longer the same person you were when you entered the relationship. The breakup forces you to look at yourself with a critical eye and ask some life-altering questions such as, “What do I truly want?” and “What really makes me happy?”

“All breakups are significant in some way because of what they ultimately teach us about ourselves.”

You might have been with your ex for months, years or even decades. You may have exchanged vows, bought a home and had children. Alternatively, you might only have been dating for months, but you felt as if you had found “the one.” If you feel as if this is the big breakup, it is. But remember – you will survive and emerge stronger than you might have thought possible. So, “congratulations on your breakup!” One day soon, your heart will mend, your ex will be a part of your past and you’ll be even more fabulous.

“It’s called a breakup because you’re breaking up with a relationship that’s no longer working and moving on to a life better suited for you.”

Breakup Rules

1. Don’t have sex with your ex – Even if you want to. Even if you think it’s harmless and just a little fun. If you are sleeping with your ex, you can’t move on.
2. Curtail all contact with Mr. Ex – Delete his phone number from your cell, stop all instant and text messaging, and screen his calls. You might wonder if it is possible to have a friendly relationship with your ex. The answer is, probably not. Remove him from your life, work on getting over him and then move on.
3. Let the messages go – Delete the old messages and wait for someone better to call.
4. Don’t take that call – Do not listen to old voicemail messages from your ex. If he tries to contact you, be resolute and refer to Breakup Rule #2.

“Sure, breakups are painful, but they’re also freeing and fabulous because they free us up to be our most fabulous selves.”

If you can’t avoid contact with your ex, establish boundaries and limit your discussions to necessary topics, such as childcare or finances. If you were living together at the time of the big breakup, move out as soon as possible. Pack and move when your ex isn’t home. If he’s doing the moving, allow him the same courtesy and stay out of the way.

“The truth is all breakups change us in some way. And the big breakup changes everything.”

In fact, “breakups are like bandaids.” The only way to make a clean break is to rip them off quickly. Sure, it will hurt. If you stick around to give it just one more chance, though, you’re dragging out the inevitable and prolonging the pain. Once you are on your own again, “exorcise your ex” by:

• Disposing of any and all of his stuff. Give it away, donate it or throw it in the trash, but do not hang on to old photos, his favorite coffee mug or his aftershave.
• Buy some sage at your local New Age store and cleanse your home by “smudging.”
• Feng Shui your place to suit yourself. If you always wanted to put the couch under the windows, now is the time to do it.
• Buy a few new items that make you happy, like a pretty print or a girly bedspread.
• Spread out and take over the entire bed. There’s no your side or his side any longer.

The Big Breakup Spectrum

Big breakups resemble natural disasters. The “Earthquake” breakup starts with a few rumbles and then, BOOM; he pulls your life out from under you. With the “Avalanche” breakup, you’re cruising along and the next thing you know, up is down and down is up. The “Tornado” breakup builds within both of you until the crescendo tears everything apart.

“Walking away after a breakup can be one of the hardest things you ever do.”

Just as there are all kinds of breakups, there are different ways to handle those first, terrible days. Here are just a few post-breakup possibilities:

• “The Solitary Slump” – Hibernate in your room with a stock of comfort food, chick flicks, sentimental music, your favorite old sweats and several boxes of tissues.
• “The Shopping Slump” – Feel better immediately by buying some new clothes and accessories, treating yourself to a manicure or massage and then hitting the shoe stores.
• “The Escapist Slump” – Get away from home and your memories of him by spending a few days at a spa, vacation home or some warm, lovely spot on the beach.
• “The Fetal Position Slump” – No one takes care of you like Mom, so how about a visit home for a few days?
• “The Scary Slump” – Are you so angry you can’t think of anything else? Vent by taking a martial arts class, buying a voodoo doll or shredding every picture taken with your ex.
• “The Pity Party Slump” – Don’t fight it, wallow in it. Feel sorry for yourself in a big way. Cry over every picture and watch The Way We Were for the millionth time.

“The only way to get over a breakup is to get through it and move on.”

The old saying goes, “Misery loves company,” but right after the big breakup, misery needs company, the company of your “Boo-Hoo Crew” that is. Your boo-hoo crew consists of your closest, most reliable and extremely patient “BFFs” (Best Friends Forever). These are the girls who will help you through even the darkest, most desperate times as you mourn the loss of your ex.

On the Rebound

You might be indulging in fantasies of revenge, or staying up into the wee hours mourning the loss of your mutual friends or the relationship you developed with his mother. These feelings are natural. After all, it’s hard to handle the big breakup and the baggage that accompanies it. Although you may wish to get through it with dignity and class, everyone falters now and again.

“If you just can’t get on board with your life as it is, chances are that no man’s going to be able to fix that.”

Some women follow the old adage, “The only way to get over a man is with a new man.” Although the rebound relationship might distract you temporarily, ultimately it won’t help you work through the emotional garbage you’re hauling around from the big breakup. If you do decide to bounce back with a rebound relationship, remember to be honest about your expectations and intentions and “always practice safe sex.”

“Just because your relationship is over doesn’t mean your feelings are.”

However, rather than invest your energies in a rebound affair, why not invest them where they belong — in you. Make a list of all the things you want to do now that you’re single. Include everything you can think of such as traveling to a new place, getting a cool haircut, learning another language, taking up the piano or enrolling in an adult education course. And, while you’re in list-writing mode, begin another one. This is your “Fabulous Factor” list. Start by writing down at least 10 wonderful things about yourself. Perhaps you have a great smile or make delicious oatmeal raisin cookies. Add new items as you progress through the recovery process.

“In embracing where you are in life today, you are not waiting for some guy to complete you.”

Next, make a list of things to do when you’re feeling down or lonely. You’ll be experiencing highs and lows as you travel through your breakup recuperation period. Use this list of activities on the days you’re feeling particularly low. Suggestions include seeing a movie, taking a long drive, getting a pedicure or finally taking that salsa dancing class.

“Movin’ On Mode”

Just as the beautiful butterfly begins as a caterpillar, the new, more fabulous you takes time to form and emerge. As a caterpillar, your biggest accomplishment is just the fact that you’ve survived the big breakup. You’re still here and a wonderful life stretches out in front of you. As you get ready to embrace it, gather your inner strength by volunteering, confronting a fear or pursuing a dream. Cocoon mode is a time for healing. Don’t hurry this process. Spoil yourself as you marshal your resources. When you emerge as a butterfly, you’ll be ready to move on.

“Before you can really put yourself out there and attract healthy, happy, whole individuals, you first have to be healthy, happy, and whole on your own.”

The following are some suggestions for butterfly activities:

• Put on your highest heels, grab the boo-hoo crew and go to the hippest club in town.
• Don’t walk by the woman offering a makeover at the cosmetic counter.
• Head to the great outdoors. Enjoy the park, the beach, a bike ride or a hike.
• Do something silly and fun. Spend the day at the local amusement park or just swinging on the swings at the playground on the corner.
• Don’t sit and watch the karaoke singers. Get up there and belt out your favorite song.

Celebrate Your Singlehood

Become the “keeper of your healed heart.” Being single doesn’t mean that you’ll never have the relationship you desire. It just means that right now you are unencumbered and have the freedom to make your life as good as it can be. If there is something in your life you are unhappy with, such as your job or the place where you live, this is the perfect time to change it.

“The truth is that each and every one of us deserves to love and be loved for exactly who we are, flaws, neuroses, warts and all.”

Now, rename the boo-hoo crew your “Woo-Hoo Crew” and start going out with your gal pals. Here are some terms that you might need to know:

• “Target-Rich Environment” – Any place that single men hang out, whether it’s the local sports bar, the golf course, an art opening or the line for a ski lift.
• “The Scarcity Excuse” – You’ve heard the saying that there are no good single men left. This is simply not true. There are great, single men everywhere. All you need to do to prove it is to learn how to start a conversation. Once you master this basic art, you’ll find men to talk to everywhere.
• “The Numbers Game” – It’s reassuring to know that if you date enough guys, one of them is bound to be just right for you.
• “Wing Girl” – This is the woo-hoo crew girl with whom to go to target-rich places.

Dating Dos and Don’ts

You’re reconciled to your big breakup and have learned from it and now you’re ready to date. You’ve taken care of your heart, your head and all of your other body parts. You also are clear about the kind of man you want and, more importantly, the kind of man you don’t want. Although you realize that finding Mr. Right is in many ways a numbers game, there’s no reason to date too many Mr. Wrongs. Don’t date more, just date smart. Follow the following six steps:

1. “Be clear about what you want” – Why waste your time or his? If you’re interested in a casual relationship and he’s looking for the mother of his children, it’s not going to work.
2. “Pay attention” – Actions do speak louder than words. If he tells you he wants to settle down as he gives your waitress the once-over, chances are he’s not what he says he is.
3. “Learn your lessons” – If you keep falling for the wrong guy, the problem might be yours, not his. Learn from your mistakes and avoid repeating them in your dating future.
4. “Date Yourself” – If you were a guy, would you want to go out with you? When you are confident, you will attract the right type of partner.
5. “Retrain your brain” – You are what you think you are. Self-defeating thoughts keep you from being happy. Identify negative thought patterns and replace them with positive ones.
6. “Get out there” – You won’t meet Mr. Right sitting at home, unless he happens to be the pizza delivery guy. Use the internet and frequent target-rich environments.

A Thing of Your Past

Finally, that day has arrived. The day you don’t wake up thinking of your ex. The day you give yourself permission to be happy and to open your heart to every possibility. And it’s the day you decide to stop waiting for your knight in shining armor. He doesn’t exist. The only one who can make you happy and give you the life you want is you. The funny thing is, as soon as you’re happiest being who you are on your own, you just might meet Mr. Right.

About the Author

Lisa Steadman is founder of a Web site forum for those suffering from the demise of a relationship. She has been a guest on several radio and television talk shows.

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