Office Mate by Stephanie Losee Book Summary

Office Mate, Your Employee Handbook for Finding – and Managing – Romance on the Job by Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen

Recommendation

Common ground is a necessary starting point for any relationship. So, why go to a bar to meet a potential mate? Instead, search for love in a more familiar place: your office. An office works like a community where people know each other well. Individuals also act and look most like themselves in the office. Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen, who met their spouses at work, express their enthusiasm for finding love there. They guide hard-working singles through the low-lit halls of the office to find love among the cubicles and conference rooms. getAbstract recommends their warm and practical approach, and praises the care they’ve taken with sexual harassment issues.

Take-Aways

• The office represents a “physical community” where co-workers can meet mates.
• As employees work more and more hours, their colleagues begin to make up their social circles.
• In 1965, 65% of people socialized outside of work; that dropped to 39% by 1995.
• Unless a policy indicates otherwise, feel free to ask a co-worker on a date.
• Be discreet when dating a co-worker.
• Don’t alienate or ditch your colleagues.
• If the relationship continues for several weeks, check your company’s policy on dating and, if necessary, inform a supervisor.
• Should the relationship fail, remain professional and civil.
• If the situation turns sour, consider a transfer to another department or office.
• When interviewing for a new job, cite your career, and not an unsuccessful romance, as a reason for leaving.

Office Mate Book Summary

“The Modern-Day Village”

More than 100 years ago, people met their partners through their village communities. They knew enough about their neighbors to make good matches. Today, with many working weeks topping 50 hours, employees have little time for socializing outside the workplace, so the office has now come to represent that close-knit village.

“When it comes to finding love, there’s no place like the office.”

The office environment contains none of the pressures that accompany blind dates or speed dating. Employees can afford the time to get to know each other. So, if they date and it doesn’t work out, what do they do? The same thing that happened more than a century ago when the villagers broke it off – they moved on, but without choosing to move to other towns to avoid each other.

“It’s an absolute myth that all Human Resources professionals are uniformly opposed to office romance.”

Internet dating services work fine for many people, but they miss something by relying only on facts. Two “opposites” may never consider dating if they come across each other’s profiles on a dating site, yet one of the authors of the book remains happily married to her opposite. Besides, the Internet opens the door for fibbing about height, weight and looks.

If You Can’t Beat ’Em…

Research shows that office romance isn’t taboo. Two studies, one by book publisher The Vault and the other by Careerbuilder, report that half of the respondents had dated co-workers. The Vault’s survey also revealed that one in five people said they went out with a superior. Of those who reported dating co-workers in the Careerbuilder survey, 30% said they had married.

“Unattainability is one of the most effective aphrodisiacs there is.”

Office dating comes with its own matchmaker: the human resources (HR) department. The HR staff checks prospective employees before the company hires them. Corporate screening processes also ensure the right people make it into the company, hence making them good “marriage material.” A survey of human resources personnel reported that fewer than 5% believe in prohibiting office romance.

Nabbing a Mate in the Office

The first rule of attracting interest is to play hard to get. As Groucho Marx explained, “I refuse to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” Here are six guidelines suited to the office environment:

1. “There’s no need to attempt to manipulate men into chasing you” – Women might consciously or subconsciously play hard to get when they consider how dating a co-worker could affect their careers, promotions and relationships. This extra obstacle helps steer women clear of the wrong men and also “heightens the interest” of suitable partners.
2. “In the office, you don’t have to pretend you’re otherwise occupied to give the relationship time to develop” – Getting to know someone at the office skips unwritten rules that confound couples who don’t know whether to kiss on the first date or to take it slowly.
3. “Don’t date him if his actions in the office don’t conform to your values” – Office romances often move more slowly than other romances, giving individuals the time to learn about each other’s values and personality.
4. “No need to make any judgments based on first impressions – you can get all the impressions you want” – Don’t judge a book by its cover. Give people with opposite interests a chance.
5. “Go ahead and look for someone like yourself – now you have the chance to find him” – Since time pressure isn’t a factor in office romances, people can learn what others like by listening to conversations and asking questions. It’s perfectly fine for a woman to start the conversation.
6. “Be your everyday self” – Your intended office mate is already familiar with and a fan of the regular “Monday to Friday” you.

How to Show Interest

Asking someone on a date takes more effort in the office because it could result in embarrassment or affect the other person’s job. Follow these recommendations to do it discreetly:

• “Take it outside” – Find a way to get together away from the office, such as going for coffee.
• “When all else fails, try happy hour” – Meet the gang after work in a relaxed setting. It’s a good opportunity to talk one-on-one with your potential mate.
• “Be yourself, really” – If you’re the type to make the first move, do so. Otherwise, signal that you’re receptive to an advance.
• “Don’t ask co-workers for an assist” – Don’t do the middle school thing and ask a co-worker to find out if the person likes you.
• “Don’t indicate your interest via e-mail” – Realize that e-mails belong to the company, can be forwarded and never die even if you delete them. Write a note and deliver it by hand.
• “No games, please, we’re adults” – Skip the secret-admirer routine and be frank.
• “Keep it verbal” – Show interest through words, not through actions, unless you want to tangle with sexual harassment.
• “Take no for an answer” – Prepare yourself for possible rejection. However, even if the person says no, it doesn’t mean all is lost. In one case, a man had to apologize for making a drunken pass at a co-worker and, even so, they ended up married.
• “Don’t violate sexual harassment laws” – Two types of sexual harassment exist. One is quid pro quo, which involves a supervisor asking a subordinate for a sexual favor in exchange for something career-related. The more common type involves creating a “hostile work environment” where employees make “unwelcome” sexual advances or engage in chitchat (including jokes).

“Be afraid of the possibility that all you really have in common is your toxic workplace or your treacherous boss.”

Colleagues can serve as matchmakers since they know the two potential mates well. They notice things that the pair might not, such as one hanging around the other person’s cubicle or always asking their object of affection for help that others could provide. Since you know and trust your colleagues, you’re likely to trust their recommendations for potential partners, too.

“Office Spouses”

Office spouses aren’t actually married to each other. Rather, they work closely together without competing and could even be best friends. Even married people, such as U.S. President George Bush, have office spouses. He was “married” to communications advisor Karen Hughes. When Hughes returned home to Texas, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice took her place.

“Seriously, who said every relationship worth having has to end in marriage?”

Such office spouses share the joys and pains of work. Legal spouses might tire of hearing complaints about work or fail to understand the situation, whereas office spouses simply get it. This arrangement could blossom for two single people.

After Falling in Love

Finding the right mate at work is only half the equation. The other half is managing the relationship at work, so neither person gets fired. First, the mates need to see if they have enough in common. Do they have friends outside work? Do they talk about more than just projects and co-workers? They need to find further common ground by discussing hobbies, families and other nonwork related topics.

“Dating at the workplace does not have to set back the feminist movement.”

Office mates must take care not to neglect their co-workers by spending all of their time together. It helps to continue whatever activities they usually share with their colleagues. Being the subject of gossip creates a challenge for dating office mates. If co-workers spot the pair outside of work, then the gossip machine might start rolling.

“Just because you choose not to tell the office gang that you’re dating one of their own doesn’t mean they don’t know already.”

While the office makes a good place for meeting a mate, it’s not the place for arguing, visiting each other’s offices often or showing public displays of affection. Defying this advice means looking unprofessional and giving co-workers fodder for water-cooler banter.

Boss-Subordinate Dating

The Vault’s 2007 study reports that 19% of workers have dated the boss and 15% have dated subordinates. A boss-subordinate relationship could cause suspicions of favoritism with regard to salary increases and promotions. Regardless of what the heart thinks, those considering a boss-subordinate relationship must think hard before making the first step. Verify the company’s rules for dating, since some companies dismiss employees for that. The policy might include rules for disclosing the relationship.

“As with any other job, people on movie sets, on concert tour buses, or in the corner office find it”

So how do bosses and subordinates reach the stage of going on a date? They should disclose their feelings in a direct way, using work-related and nonwork-related terms. For example, “It always impresses me how you handle difficult situations like that. I’d love to find out more about how you approach them. Would you like to go for a drink after work sometime?”

“So whatever the office, after three workplace relationships you should either get married or give serious consideration to finding another workplace.”

If the first date is successful, continue the relationship discreetly. Do not engage in pillow talk with each other about work. Don’t share or dig for information about co-workers. Colleagues might cry foul if the boss assigns the good projects to the subordinate he or she is dating. Furthermore, if the subordinate earns a well-deserved promotion, others might believe otherwise. If they are still dating after a few weeks, and no one has gotten in trouble, the boss and subordinate should tell a supervisor about their situation. However, if the relationship ends early-on, they needn’t report it.

“Dating an equal often means dating the competition.”

No one wants to think about the end of a relationship when it has just started. In the case of office romance, the pair should discuss what should happen if they break up. This means establishing ground rules, such as telling others about the break-up, what the couple can and can’t share about their relationship, and forbidding any accusations in the office.

Dating a Co-Worker

A boss-subordinate relationship makes dating an equal look tame, but equals compete for the same projects and opportunities. If one lands a trip or an exciting project, can the other avoid jealousy? Furthermore, couples can’t save each other when under fire or in difficult situations. They must remain neutral. If a conflict of interest arises, disclose the relationship and see if a transfer is available.

“Do not leave your job so that someone who has not shown interest in a romantic relationship with you will come to his senses.”

Although almost 20% of office workers admitted to fooling around at the office, it can end very badly. Steer clear of it unless you want to risk seeing security-camera footage of yourself at the staff end-of-year party. Additionally, shun adultery. It leads to negative, life-changing consequences.

When It’s Over

When you tell your office mate that you want to break up, take the tactful approach, regardless of the person’s personality. Otherwise you risk a blow up or embarrassment. Say something like, “We’re a good team at work, but not so great as a couple.”

“You should know as many people in your profession as you can, both to learn how to make your own career move along more quickly and to create opportunities for your company.”

If you find yourself cut loose, keep your cool. Don’t cry at work, including in the bathroom. Avoid using co-workers as mediators or writing about the relationship in e-mails. Don’t date someone else from the office too soon afterward and don’t bring it to the HR staff’s attention unless the situation meets the definition of sexual harassment. Reintegrate yourself into your group of colleagues.

However, if the situation isn’t bearable, a transfer to another position, department or city might be the answer. Provide a reason that doesn’t relate to the relationship, for example the recent departure of the accountant in your desired transfer office. If you think it might help, try talking directly to your ex and explaining that uncivil behavior affects both your reputations. Unfortunately, in some cases, a break-up might lead to you leaving or losing your job.

About the Authors

Stephanie Losee has written for Fortune and San Francisco Chronicle Magazine. Helaine Olen has written for Wall Street Journal, Variety, and The Washington Post. Both authors met their spouses at work.

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